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Garbled sentence?

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In "The People With AIDS Movement" appears this sentence (fragment):

When the activists stormed the stage of the closing session to present the Denver Principles, the "Fighting for our lives" banner from the San Francisco march earlier that month, with the words becoming the slogan of the PWA Movement.

What about the banner? "When the activists stormed the stage, the banner, with the words becoming the slogan"? Did they carry the banner on stage? The verb in that clause is missing. I don't know the history to correct this myself. IAmNitpicking (talk) 14:30, 1 December 2016 (UTC)[reply]

GA Review 1

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This review is transcluded from Talk:Bobbi Campbell/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: JulieMay54 (talk · contribs) 01:58, 27 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

This discussion has been closed. Please do not modify it.
The following discussion has been closed. Please do not modify it.

This is my first GA review so I am happy for someone else to also review

Well written, extensively researched article. Will begin review JulieMay54 (talk) 01:58, 27 February 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Do not be overwhelmed. Most of below are clarifications. Many of your sentences are long, with multiple sub-clauses. These could be re-written as shorter sentences for clarity. Some sentences could be re-phrased for clarity or aren't complete sentences.Your original material in italics, my suggestions follow in normal text.

Before the AIDS crisis

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Having been in the initial wave of gay liberation in Seattle,[11] Campbell moved from Seattle to San Francisco in 1975,[12] getting a job in a hospital near The Castro and immersing himself in the political and social life of the community,[12] which had become a center for the LGBT community over the previous few years. By 1981, he enrolled in a training program at University of California, San Francisco, to become an adult health nurse practitioner,[12] with a view to focusing on healthcare in the gay and lesbian community.

Campbell was in the initial wave of gay liberation in Seattle.[11] He moved from Seattle to San Francisco in 1975[12] and got a job in a hospital near The Castro which had become a center for the LGBT community over the previous few years. He immersed himself in the political and social life of this community.[12]By 1981, he enrolled in a training program at University of California, San Francisco, to become an adult health nurse practitioner,[12] with a view to focusing on healthcare in the gay and lesbian community.

Diagnosis and local activism

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he noticed on his feet lesions of Kaposi's sarcoma is awkward phrasing better "he noticed lesions of Kaposi's sarcoma on his feet"

attended what turned out to be the founding meeting of the KS/AIDS Foundation, which later became the San Francisco AIDS Foundation,[19] of which Campbell then served on the board.[6] > attended what was the founding meeting of the KS/AIDS Foundation, which later became the San Francisco AIDS Foundation.[19] Campbell then served on the board of The Foundation.[6]

The People With AIDS Movement

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In 1982, Campbell and Turner convened a meeting that spawned People With AIDS San Francisco,[4][5][6] founding the "People With AIDS Self-Empowerment Movement" or PWA Movement,[4][5] rapidly followed by Michael Callen and Richard Berkowitz, authors of How to Have Sex in an Epidemic, in New York City.[6] > this sentence is missing something in the latter part??

With other People With AIDS, Campbell organized the first candlelight march,[5] to bring attention to the plight of people with AIDS and to remember those who had died, marching on May 2, 1983, behind a banner of "Fighting for our lives" for the first time,[4][5] drawing around 10,000 people. > With other People With AIDS, Campbell organized the first candlelight march,[5] to bring attention to the plight of people with AIDS and to remember those who had died. They marched on May 2, 1983, behind a banner of "Fighting for our lives" for the first time,[4][5] and drew around 10,000 people.

The citation for the Michael Callen quote should be at the end of the quote, preferably with a page reference.

The national PWA movement came fully together when Campbell took charge of a discussion[4][20][19] where, with Callen, Turner and others,[26] he drafted the Denver Principles, the defining manifesto of the PWA Movement,[4][5][6][16][19] which, again, start with the rejection of the terms "victim" and "patient."[4][6][19] Campbell and the San Franciscans had different thoughts on the origin (etiology) of AIDS from Callen and the New Yorkers — Campbell described as "crazy" the idea that AIDS was caused by promiscuity,[14] a perspective espoused by Callen and Berkowitz (and Dr Joseph Sonnabend) at the time[27][28][29] — and the Denver Principles represent a "careful synthesis" of these two positions:[12] this is 2, complex sentences. I suggest: The national PWA movement came coalesced when Campbell took charge of a discussion[4][20][19] and, with Callen, Turner and others,[26] he drafted the Denver Principles, the defining manifesto of the PWA Movement.[4][5][6][16][19] These Principles start with the rejection of the terms "victim" and "patient."[4][6][19] Campbell and the San Franciscans had different thoughts on the origin (etiology) of AIDS from Callen and the New Yorkers — Campbell described as "crazy" the idea that AIDS was caused by promiscuity,[14] a perspective espoused by Callen and Berkowitz (and Dr Joseph Sonnabend) at the time[27][28][29] — and the Denver Principles represent a "careful synthesis" of these two positions:[12]

Citation for quote from Joe Wright(2013) again should be at end of quote and include page reference if possible

When the activists stormed the stage of the closing session to present the Denver Principles, the "Fighting for our lives" banner from the San Francisco march earlier that month, with the words becoming the slogan of the PWA Movement.[4][20] > something missing from this sentence?

After the conference, Campbell flew to New York with Callen, Berkowitz and Artie Felson, plotting on the plane. > "plotting" is perhaps too emotive. Perhaps use planning, discussing or preparing.

On arrival organized a PWA organization in the city despite initial opposition from the Gay Men's Health Crisis.[4] > who organized?

Wider activism

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On October 7, 1983, Campbell presented a poster session of the first Nursing Clinical Conference on AIDS in Washington, D.C., dressed in white pants and a lab coat, to "dress for the part,"[32][33] in order to help clinicians and nurses understand the Denver Principles' message about respect for People With AIDS, rather than considering them as "victims."[32][33] > sidebar about the lab coat distracts from what the purpose of the poster was> On October 7, 1983, Campbell presented a poster session of the first Nursing Clinical Conference on AIDS in Washington, D.C. in order to help clinicians and nurses understand the Denver Principles' message about respect for People With AIDS, rather than considering them as "victims."[32][33]. He dressed in white pants and a lab coat, to "dress for the part,"[32][33]

While at the conference, he attended a talk by an infection control nurse at the National Institutes of Health where he discovered the agency's "maximum awareness" policy recommended the use of electric-green "AIDS Precaution" tags on AIDS patients' rooms, blood tubes and laundry.[33] With Artie Felson, he heckled from the back and arranged an impromptu meeting of the National Association of People With AIDS, where they decided to pay visit to Heckler at her Bethesda office and spoke with Shelley Lengel, a spokesperson for the new National AIDS Helpline. Lengel, however, did not call them back with further information about the policy.[33] > this section is confusing. Are some names mixed up here? was Heckler the infection control nurse? who is Lengel?

..introduced as a feminist, a registered Democrat and a Person With AIDS; he had served as a board director of the National AIDS Foundation... > break up into 2 sentences for clarity> ..introduced as a feminist, a registered Democrat and a Person With AIDS. It was noted he had served as a board director of the National AIDS Foundation...

Campbell told the crowd that he had hugged his boyfriend on the cover of Newsweek, and then kissed Hilliard on stage, "to show Middle America that gay love is beautiful," criticising the Christian right for using scripture to justify their homophobia.[38] After criticising the lack of progress being made by the Reagan administration, he held 15 seconds of silence for the 2,000 who had died of AIDS at that point "and [for] those who will die before this is over," before laying out a series of concerns for politicians to address — including increased funding for both research and support services and a warning of the potential for discrimination with the advent of a test for HTLV-3 (now known as HIV) — and appealing to all candidates in the upcoming elections to meet with People With AIDS.[38] > Campbell told the crowd that he had hugged his boyfriend on the cover of Newsweek, and then kissed Hilliard on stage, "to show Middle America that gay love is beautiful." He criticised the Christian right for using scripture to justify their homophobia and the Reagan administration for lack of progress.[38] He then held 15 seconds of silence for the 2,000 who had died of AIDS at that point "and [for] those who will die before this is over," before laying out a series of concerns for politicians to address — including increased funding for both research and support services and a warning of the potential for discrimination with the advent of a test for HTLV-3 (now known as HIV) — and appealing to all candidates in the upcoming elections to meet with People With AIDS.[38]

GA Review 2

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This review is transcluded from Talk:Bobbi Campbell/GA2. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Vanamonde93 (talk · contribs) 09:29, 11 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]

This discussion has been closed. Please do not modify it.
The following discussion has been closed. Please do not modify it.


Checklist

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GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

  1. Is it well written?
    A. The prose is clear and concise, and the spelling and grammar are correct:
    All issues addressed
    B. It complies with the manual of style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation:
  2. Is it verifiable with no original research?
    A. It contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline:
    B. All in-line citations are from reliable sources, including those for direct quotations, statistics, published opinion, counter-intuitive or controversial statements that are challenged or likely to be challenged, and contentious material relating to living persons—science-based articles should follow the scientific citation guidelines:
    C. It contains no original research:
    D. It contains no copyright violations nor plagiarism:
    Earwig's tool only highlights quotations, spotchecks clear.
  3. Is it broad in its coverage?
    A. It addresses the main aspects of the topic:
    B. It stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style):
  4. Is it neutral?
    It represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each:
  5. Is it stable?
    It does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute:
    Article is stable.
  6. Is it illustrated, if possible, by images?
    A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
    Licensing issues have been resolved
    B. Images are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
  7. Overall:
    Pass or Fail:
    All concerns have been resolved.

First run

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  • Thanks, Nikkimaria: in that case, two images will have to be removed, though if the OTRS gets resolved, that could possibly be readded.
  • I don't see why 3 non-Free, fair-use images are a problem here. The article is over 2000 words long and all 3 images have FURs. WP:GACR №6 refers to "images", plural, and WP:NFCCP №3a refers to "minimal number of items"; I think a single image for each of 2 of the 4 main article sections is pretty minimal. They illustrate key concepts in the article and I think the article would be diminished by their removal, particularly given there are no relevant Free images available. — OwenBlacker (talk) 21:55, 21 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • 3a states that "Multiple items of non-free content are not used if one item can convey equivalent significant information". The identical and generic purpose of use statements for the latter two images don't support an argument of additional significant information being conveyed. Nikkimaria (talk) 02:35, 22 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Also a little concerned by the heavy use of quotes. I'd suggest limiting the use of quotes to particularly impactful, catchy, or pithy phrases: anything difficult to paraphrase. Most of the quotes here can be turned into prose without difficulty.
    • It's a long time since I've read MOS:QUOTE and you're right, I'm clearly overusing quotes here. I've converted the two-paragraph quote from Callen into prose and moved the "careful synthesis" part into a footnote. The other 2 feel more appropriate as they are, I think. — OwenBlacker (talk) 21:55, 21 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • I'm uncertain about the justification for capitalizing "People with Aids".
  • Currently, the article seems to be claiming that Campbell organized the first even candlelight march, which seems a fairly exceptional claim; is it really justified?
    • I've removed the comma and moved the reference, to make it clearer that the article is stating that he helped organise the first candlelit march about the AIDS Crisis, which is what the citation supports, rather than the implication that it was the first candlelit march on any subject. — OwenBlacker (talk) 21:55, 21 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • "remember those who had died" died of AIDS, presumably, but you need to say so.
  • "When the activists stormed the stage of the closing session to present the Denver Principles" More context is needed: why did they storm the stage? Which stage is this? Also, that sentence is missing something, grammatically.
  • "plotting on the plane." bit melodramatic: and what were they plotting?
  • "introducing AIDS to the heterosexual community" again, rather exceptional claim here. Are we really justified in saying that Heterosexual people were unaware of AIDS until that Newsweek article?
  • "With Artie Felson, he heckled from the back" again, confusing to outsiders: slightly more detail needed.
  • "and had lived for over 3½ years with what was, by then, called AIDS." Cite needed here.
  • "Dr Conant" credentials need to be removed.
  • I'd combine all the disparate small paragraphs in the legacy section into a single one, or two at most.
    • I've grouped them thematically, so there's the 2 paragraphs about his death and funerary celebrations, then 1 paragraph with all the memorial stuff and 1 with the film, TV and mock-trials. That feels more coherent, I think. — OwenBlacker (talk) 21:55, 21 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Optional at the GA level, but to take this article further I really think you need some analysis of Campbell's impact on the LGBT rights/AIDS awareness movement.
  • That's all I have for now: ping me when you have dealt with these. Vanamonde (talk) 06:45, 13 September 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Second run

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  • Okay, it's time for a relook, I think, though a couple of issues from above are still outstanding: the images, in particular.
  • I think the lead could stand to be a little longer: I'd suggest it be two paragraphs, at least.
  • The last line of the lead uses an editorial voice that is too heavy for Wikipedia. I'd suggest using in-text attribution: "described by X as..."
    • I was summarising a very different tone of voice that doesn't work well as a quote, so I've removed "optimistic", which I think is the word that pushes the editorial voice a bit too far. — OwenBlacker (talk) 19:59, 8 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Having been in the initial wave of gay liberation in Seattle" this is still assuming some inside knowledge on the part of the reader. We either need a link here, or need to rephrase this as "Campbell lived in Seattle when that city saw..." or something like that.
  • "By 1981, he enrolled" this reads funny to me...shouldn't it be "By 1981 he had enrolled", or "In 1981 he enrolled"?
  • I think the second paragraph of "diagnosis" needs a date mentioned in there somewhere to anchor it.
  • "gay newspapers" is this an accepted term? Do we mean publication targeted at the LGBT community(ies)?
  • " invitation of Drs Conant and Volberding" the "Drs" isn't needed. There's also another "Dr." later on.
  • Second section, third paragraph, first sentence is far too long and complicated.
    • I'm not sure which paragraph you mean, though it might have been the sentence about the candlelit march, so I've reworded that and split it in twain. The sentence about the Clinical Nursing Conference in DC in October 1983 had similar problems, so I've reworded that one too, which should also help with the proseline. — OwenBlacker (talk) 19:59, 8 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • The "wider activism" section has issues with WP:PROSELINE. A little rewording should take care of it.
  • You could link homophobia, I think.
  • "Two days later, Castro Street was closed as 1,000 people turned out to mourn Campbell and celebrate his life." To me, this reads like journalese from his obituary...can me turn this into drier prose, perhaps?
  • Very last sentence is missing a citation.
  • @OwenBlacker: I've finished a second read-through, just so you know. Since this has been open for a while, let's try to finish this as soon as possible. Vanamonde (talk) 05:43, 5 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Wrapping up

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  • Thank you, Nikkimaria. @OwenBlacker: I think there's two ways to do this: you could go ask at MCQ, and try to get consensus for the image; the review would have to remain on hold in the interim. Or (and this is what I'd prefer) you remove the image for now, I pass the review, and you look into the image licensing at your leisure, with the understanding that you will not put it back in the article without a discussion/approval at some relevant venue. What would you like to do? Regards, Vanamonde (talk) 15:37, 9 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]
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