Talk:Bobbi Campbell/GA1
GA Review 1
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Reviewer: JulieMay54 (talk · contribs) 01:58, 27 February 2017 (UTC)
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This is my first GA review so I am happy for someone else to also review Well written, extensively researched article. Will begin review JulieMay54 (talk) 01:58, 27 February 2017 (UTC) Do not be overwhelmed. Most of below are clarifications. Many of your sentences are long, with multiple sub-clauses. These could be re-written as shorter sentences for clarity. Some sentences could be re-phrased for clarity or aren't complete sentences.Your original material in italics, my suggestions follow in normal text. Before the AIDS crisis[edit]Having been in the initial wave of gay liberation in Seattle,[11] Campbell moved from Seattle to San Francisco in 1975,[12] getting a job in a hospital near The Castro and immersing himself in the political and social life of the community,[12] which had become a center for the LGBT community over the previous few years. By 1981, he enrolled in a training program at University of California, San Francisco, to become an adult health nurse practitioner,[12] with a view to focusing on healthcare in the gay and lesbian community. Campbell was in the initial wave of gay liberation in Seattle.[11] He moved from Seattle to San Francisco in 1975[12] and got a job in a hospital near The Castro which had become a center for the LGBT community over the previous few years. He immersed himself in the political and social life of this community.[12]By 1981, he enrolled in a training program at University of California, San Francisco, to become an adult health nurse practitioner,[12] with a view to focusing on healthcare in the gay and lesbian community. Diagnosis and local activism[edit]he noticed on his feet lesions of Kaposi's sarcoma is awkward phrasing better "he noticed lesions of Kaposi's sarcoma on his feet" attended what turned out to be the founding meeting of the KS/AIDS Foundation, which later became the San Francisco AIDS Foundation,[19] of which Campbell then served on the board.[6] > attended what was the founding meeting of the KS/AIDS Foundation, which later became the San Francisco AIDS Foundation.[19] Campbell then served on the board of The Foundation.[6] The People With AIDS Movement[edit]In 1982, Campbell and Turner convened a meeting that spawned People With AIDS San Francisco,[4][5][6] founding the "People With AIDS Self-Empowerment Movement" or PWA Movement,[4][5] rapidly followed by Michael Callen and Richard Berkowitz, authors of How to Have Sex in an Epidemic, in New York City.[6] > this sentence is missing something in the latter part?? With other People With AIDS, Campbell organized the first candlelight march,[5] to bring attention to the plight of people with AIDS and to remember those who had died, marching on May 2, 1983, behind a banner of "Fighting for our lives" for the first time,[4][5] drawing around 10,000 people. > With other People With AIDS, Campbell organized the first candlelight march,[5] to bring attention to the plight of people with AIDS and to remember those who had died. They marched on May 2, 1983, behind a banner of "Fighting for our lives" for the first time,[4][5] and drew around 10,000 people. The citation for the Michael Callen quote should be at the end of the quote, preferably with a page reference. The national PWA movement came fully together when Campbell took charge of a discussion[4][20][19] where, with Callen, Turner and others,[26] he drafted the Denver Principles, the defining manifesto of the PWA Movement,[4][5][6][16][19] which, again, start with the rejection of the terms "victim" and "patient."[4][6][19] Campbell and the San Franciscans had different thoughts on the origin (etiology) of AIDS from Callen and the New Yorkers — Campbell described as "crazy" the idea that AIDS was caused by promiscuity,[14] a perspective espoused by Callen and Berkowitz (and Dr Joseph Sonnabend) at the time[27][28][29] — and the Denver Principles represent a "careful synthesis" of these two positions:[12] this is 2, complex sentences. I suggest: The national PWA movement came coalesced when Campbell took charge of a discussion[4][20][19] and, with Callen, Turner and others,[26] he drafted the Denver Principles, the defining manifesto of the PWA Movement.[4][5][6][16][19] These Principles start with the rejection of the terms "victim" and "patient."[4][6][19] Campbell and the San Franciscans had different thoughts on the origin (etiology) of AIDS from Callen and the New Yorkers — Campbell described as "crazy" the idea that AIDS was caused by promiscuity,[14] a perspective espoused by Callen and Berkowitz (and Dr Joseph Sonnabend) at the time[27][28][29] — and the Denver Principles represent a "careful synthesis" of these two positions:[12] Citation for quote from Joe Wright(2013) again should be at end of quote and include page reference if possible When the activists stormed the stage of the closing session to present the Denver Principles, the "Fighting for our lives" banner from the San Francisco march earlier that month, with the words becoming the slogan of the PWA Movement.[4][20] > something missing from this sentence? After the conference, Campbell flew to New York with Callen, Berkowitz and Artie Felson, plotting on the plane. > "plotting" is perhaps too emotive. Perhaps use planning, discussing or preparing. On arrival organized a PWA organization in the city despite initial opposition from the Gay Men's Health Crisis.[4] > who organized? Wider activism[edit]On October 7, 1983, Campbell presented a poster session of the first Nursing Clinical Conference on AIDS in Washington, D.C., dressed in white pants and a lab coat, to "dress for the part,"[32][33] in order to help clinicians and nurses understand the Denver Principles' message about respect for People With AIDS, rather than considering them as "victims."[32][33] > sidebar about the lab coat distracts from what the purpose of the poster was> On October 7, 1983, Campbell presented a poster session of the first Nursing Clinical Conference on AIDS in Washington, D.C. in order to help clinicians and nurses understand the Denver Principles' message about respect for People With AIDS, rather than considering them as "victims."[32][33]. He dressed in white pants and a lab coat, to "dress for the part,"[32][33] While at the conference, he attended a talk by an infection control nurse at the National Institutes of Health where he discovered the agency's "maximum awareness" policy recommended the use of electric-green "AIDS Precaution" tags on AIDS patients' rooms, blood tubes and laundry.[33] With Artie Felson, he heckled from the back and arranged an impromptu meeting of the National Association of People With AIDS, where they decided to pay visit to Heckler at her Bethesda office and spoke with Shelley Lengel, a spokesperson for the new National AIDS Helpline. Lengel, however, did not call them back with further information about the policy.[33] > this section is confusing. Are some names mixed up here? was Heckler the infection control nurse? who is Lengel? ..introduced as a feminist, a registered Democrat and a Person With AIDS; he had served as a board director of the National AIDS Foundation... > break up into 2 sentences for clarity> ..introduced as a feminist, a registered Democrat and a Person With AIDS. It was noted he had served as a board director of the National AIDS Foundation... Campbell told the crowd that he had hugged his boyfriend on the cover of Newsweek, and then kissed Hilliard on stage, "to show Middle America that gay love is beautiful," criticising the Christian right for using scripture to justify their homophobia.[38] After criticising the lack of progress being made by the Reagan administration, he held 15 seconds of silence for the 2,000 who had died of AIDS at that point "and [for] those who will die before this is over," before laying out a series of concerns for politicians to address — including increased funding for both research and support services and a warning of the potential for discrimination with the advent of a test for HTLV-3 (now known as HIV) — and appealing to all candidates in the upcoming elections to meet with People With AIDS.[38] > Campbell told the crowd that he had hugged his boyfriend on the cover of Newsweek, and then kissed Hilliard on stage, "to show Middle America that gay love is beautiful." He criticised the Christian right for using scripture to justify their homophobia and the Reagan administration for lack of progress.[38] He then held 15 seconds of silence for the 2,000 who had died of AIDS at that point "and [for] those who will die before this is over," before laying out a series of concerns for politicians to address — including increased funding for both research and support services and a warning of the potential for discrimination with the advent of a test for HTLV-3 (now known as HIV) — and appealing to all candidates in the upcoming elections to meet with People With AIDS.[38]
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