Wikipedia:Peer review/Cherry Poppin' Daddies/archive2

Cherry Poppin' Daddies

Previous peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because...it actually reached GA status! Thus, I'd like to see if it might actually be eligible for Featured *consideration*. Basically, what would be holding this article back from being nominated for Featured? I feel kind of uneasy about some of the references and the overall length, ergo I'd like an experienced editor to give it a once over and give it the "yay" or the "nay", dig?

Thanks! Skibz777 (talk) 06:15, 17 September 2009 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: OK, here are some points on the lead and first three sections. As I am not particularly a pop music aficianado, my comments are chiefly related to the prose. I have done a few non-controversial tweaks myself, but mainly I've left it to you. Others will have to judge whether the article is comprehensive, though it looks pretty detailed to me.

• Skibz777: Great! Thanks for taking the time to do this. Prose is one of the things I was most concerned about.

• Lead
  • The first paragraph of the lead should encapsulate in a few words why the group is particularly notable, i.e. its most significant achievements. It doesn't do this at present.
  • The band's performances did not "instigate" bans and protests. They may have "brought about" or "provoked" them.
  • "The Daddies experienced international commercial success..." I think "achieved" would be a better verb. Also, in the same sentence, "namely" is redundant.
  • "neo-swing" - term needs link or explanation
    • Neo-swing itself links to a page; provided, it links to "swing revival", but it defines "neo-swing" in its intro. I think "swing revival" is more a descriptor of the musical movement itself rather than the sound. It would seem awkward to define the genre in an article for a band...
    • I was going to put "swing revival" in the infobox instead, but it seems kind of contradictory..."revival" would imply a recreation of the original sound (a la Brian Setzer), but it's mentioned in the "Musical Style" section that CPD's swing is mixed more with punk/ska. What to do?
  • "Following a short hiatus, the band regrouped..." Clarify: did they disband and reform? Or were they merely inactive for a short while?

• Formation
  • "Genesis" means "beginning", so "genesis began" is wrong. Suggest reword first sentence; "The genesis of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies' was a meeting of singer/songwriter Steve Perry and Dan Schmid at the University of Oregon in the late 1980s."
  • "Despite neither having" is rather awkward wording. Suggest "Although neither had..."
  • The sentence should end after "on playing msic". Then: "They formed the jangle pop band..."
  • "and, recruiting..." → "and, after recruiting..."
  • ""Cherrypoppin' Daddies"" - at what stage did this morph into Cherry Poppin' Daddies"? A word of explanation necessary.
  • "...yet also reflected the band's jazz side as a campy homage to the cartoonish risqué of the Dixieland recordings that had inspired them." The meaning of this needs clarifying. Whose phrases are "campy homage" and "cartoonish risqué"? They need to be attributed.

• Early years and controversies
  • Prose style comment. There is a tendency to start too many sentences with the -ing verb form. Here we have, in successive sentences, "Sporting" and "Donning". Sporting is probably OK, but Donning, which doesn't match the half-nude phrasing later on, should go. A possible rewording: "In an array of flashy Funkadelic-inspired costumes or drag get-ups, and on occasions simply half-nude, the Daddies became notorious for their over-the-top performance art-like stage shows."
  • The sentence should end at this point. What follows in the rest of the paragraph needs to be reorganised into proper sentences. At the moment it is a muddle of images without a proper grammatical structure.
  • Not surprisingly" - is this a POV aside?
  • "based towards" is not idiomatic - "based on" or "based mainly on"
  • "found themselves receiving hate mail" → "received hate mail"
  • "On one occasion, Perry claimed to have had..." → "On on occassion, Perry claimed, a cup of hot coffee was thrown..." etc
  • ...and the group extensively played and often sold out shows in the Eugene and Portland area throughout the early 1990s." Some slight rearrangement advised. Suggest: "and the group played extensively throughout the early 1990s, often selling out shows in the Eugene and Portland area."
  • "following their mainstream break." Is this the "hiatus" earlier mentioned? Clarification needed.
  • "After selling reasonably well, winning the approval of..." → "After this sold reasonably well and won the approval of..." (it's the record, not the band, that sold)
  • Does "Compact Disc need to be spelled out and linked? "CD" is universal usage

I'll be back with comments on the rest, but meanwhile it would be interesting to see your responses to the above. Brianboulton (talk) 13:03, 2 October 2009 (UTC)

Final instalment: I have taken the liberty of making non-controversial fixes myself. It certainly makes the list shorter.

• National touring
  • "...presumably because of their use of a horn section, they became a staple of the Bay Area's burgeoning third wave ska scene". Whose presumption is this?
  • What is a sophomore album? The term isn't understood in the UK.
  • Link for "indie"? (Indie rock, presumably)
• Zoot suit riot etc
  • "recurrently"? Not sure, perhaps "regularly" or "frequently"
  • "they started catering their sets more towards their swing fans" Don't know what this means. They began tailoring their act towards their swing fans? Needs to be clear.
  • "vintage suits" – doesn't convey anything unless you indicate what vintage (Edwardian, Twenties, Forties etc) And "suit" hardly requires the link
  • Contractions like "they'd" are informal, and not encyclopedic
  • Penultimate paragraph: The first sentence was horrendously overlong - I've split it into three. There is a general tendency in the articles for sentences to be over-complicated, and it may well be worth checking whether other sentences need to be split. In the sentence I've just dealt with, the word "distinguish" might be better changed to "recognise"
• Soul caddy etc:"The album was ultimately met with mixed reviews" Suggest delete "was ultimately" - redundant. Suggest look at a few sentence lengths in this section too.
• Return etc: No specific prose issues in this section
• Musical style and influence: This section is a little dense for me (my lack of knowledge exposed). One thing did strike me, though: although various influences on the Daddies are mentioned, there is no information given about the influence that the group itself had. It would be interesting to have an assessment of the group's overall impact on the music scene. Perhaps it had none.
• Lyrical: no specific comment
• General
  • If this is to go to FAC you will need to add alt text to the images
    • Could you clarify this, please?
  • Most of the online references lack access dates, and many are not formatted correctly.

I hope that you have found this review useful. As I don't watchlist peer reviews, if you want to raise any issue with me, please leave a message on my talkpage. Brianboulton (talk) 23:08, 3 October 2009 (UTC)