User talk:Kelly0327/sandbox

Feedback

Hi Kelly0327. I like the variety of countries you used in the examples. This gives the article a global approach and understanding. I think a picture would compliment your information well. I think you could find a good picture for three of the countries you mention. There are some small grammatical errors that can be improved. The information is good and improved grammar will let the reader fully understand what you are trying to say.

Wikipedia Draft Rubric-Global Youth Studies & Other Suggestions

Writing Style: Good

Your tone is mostly neutral and informal. There are hyperlinks. Writing conforms to WP expectations with a few exceptions that need resolution. Sometimes I felt it was a little wordy or the sentences were long, such as saying “several different approaches.” The word several or different could be eliminated because they mean the same thing. Relook over words that might be duplicates. Perhaps, try rereading sentences one at a time and think, “Is this the most concise I can be? Am I repeating myself?” Also, remember to look over parts of the article you did not write. You may still be able to improve that grammar. I see in the second paragraph “most effective.” The tone needs to be neutral.

Structure: Fair

I only write Fair because there is no image on your sandbox page or when I view the article online. Just remember to add one. I’m sure there are plenty out there! The sections, paragraphs, and what you added on to in the lead I thought was great. You added on a better description to what youth mentoring is in the lead and its goal. I thought the structure was great, easy to read, and made sense. The paragraphs were in logical order. It made the reader want to know more.

Content: Good

You accomplished your goals of adding a global aspect and more information about specific mentoring programs. I liked the information about the different countries and their programs. However, I was confused about the “Roma” population under Hungary. Is their some way you can word that so readers know what Roma is? Also, perhaps have a United States section for mentoring programs or delete comparing India to the US. I would focus on India. In the Hungary and South Africa sections, you do not compare their programs to the US. Besides that, I thought the information was great!

WP Community Standards: Excellent

The article is a notable topic. It looks like your resources came mostly from Academic Search Complete, which is great! I don’t see any original research. Citations look good to me.

Other suggestions:

Are there any more positive outcomes for mentoring youth you could add? I think this article I found in EBSCO contains great information on how the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program is impacting kids. Herrera, Carla, et al. "Mentoring In Schools: An Impact Study Of Big Brothers Big Sisters School-Based Mentoring." Child Development 82.1 (2011): 346-361. Academic Search Complete. Web. 2 Nov. 2013.http://ehis.ebscohost.com.cowles-proxy.drake.edu/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=339d9587-2b62-4620-a65d-1c9e08a5dbfb%40sessionmgr15&vid=4&hid=17

Under "Methods", I would cut the first sentence because “Methods” to me is already saying there are several approaches/methods. Then, I’d divide "School Based" and "Community Based" into their own paragraphs. I think it’d make that section look a little neater.

Describe Big, Brothers, Big Sisters a little more….perhaps put them under a United States section? I would like to know more about what they do specifically. What kind of activities do they do with kids? What are the benefits of the organization for youth?

Write more about Mentor Me India under India. When you mentioned Mentor Me, I was curious to what they do specifically. But, I never read specifically about them. I understand they must incorporate some group settings or group activities with their program.

Other positives: I never saw a bias. Good variety of countries described. Great Sources. Good addition to Lead-In paragraph.

Good Luck! Hope this helps improve your article. I also made a few adjustments to your article, but all the edits won't say Lhegtvedt under the History Tab. I realized I was not logged in under my username when I made some of the edits. Some of the edits show a 7 number as making the edits, and that was me. Lhegtvedt (talk) 04:30, 2 November 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Prof. V Feedback Pre-first Draft

Hi Kelly0327 - You have a solid start to your work here. I encourage you to continue to locate sources to support your ideas. The distinction between types of mentoring need a reference. I wonder if you could also find information on the following topics:

Estimate of how many kids have or need mentoring?
More on cultural differences and mentoring programs. Is there anyone starting to theorize mentoring from a global perspective? I recommend working with a reference librarian for help in this area.
Biggest mentoring programs in the world, including but also beyond BB/BS

The section on Hungary does not need so much information on the Roma, in my opinion.

I did a bit of copy editing.

Keep up the good start! Prof.Vandegrift (talk) 22:28, 5 November 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Draft feedback

I've left some feedback for the current draft on your talk page. Gobōnobō ⁺ ^c 14:36, 19 November 2013 (UTC)[reply]