Talk:Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Cognissonance (talk · contribs) 10:14, 19 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]

One – Two – Three – Four – Five – Hello again :) Cognissonance (talk) 10:14, 19 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Infobox

Ref. 2 (IGN) is dead.
No citation for the Australian release, nor is it mentioned in Release. Either way, it must be established in the latter.

Lead

shrine maiden – Link to Miko.
"when he saw the Wii U and the possibilities of the gamepad becoming the Camera Obscura" – Simplify: "when he saw that the Wii U GamePad could be used as the Camera Obscura". Link to Wii U GamePad.
"As with previous games in the series" and "As with previous games" are too similar. Differentiate.

Gameplay

third-person perspective – Link to [[Virtual camera system#Third-person view|third-person perspective]].
"navigate" – Avoid repetition: "traverse".
"that attack them and damage them" – Avoid repetition: "that attack and damage them".
Ref. 7 (Dengeki Online) does not have a language= parameter.
first-person perspective – Link to First-person (video games).
"varying closeness" – Improve prose: "varying proximity".
"In addition to the three main characters' story arcs, a special episode featuring Dead or Alive protagonist Ayane" – Fix grammar: "In addition to the three main characters' story arcs, a special episode features Dead or Alive protagonist Ayane".
"to make herself temporary invisible" – Fix grammar: "to make herself temporarily invisible".

Synopsis

"shrine maidens would help guide people to a peaceful death, using a mind-reading ability to bring them peace" – Avoid repetition: "shrine maidens would use a mind-reading ability to help guide people to a peaceful death". Preferably link shrine maidens to Miko.

Development

"He was the first to propose the game's concept to Nintendo" – Drop game's, as it is used in the preceding sentence.
Ref. 12 (4Gamer.net) does not have a language= parameter.
"Shibata's memories of visits to parts of America" – Flow: "Shibata's memories of visiting parts of America".
"and his feeling that the dampness in the air paralleled his experiences with supposed supernatural events" – Siliconera says "I think it was around 2008, but I was in Los Angeles in the summer, and the experience made me really feel like “I doubt I’d run into any ghosts around here”. Then, when I went back to Japan and immersed myself in the kind of summer humidity you only see in Japan, it made me realize once again how much of a necessary element it was". It wasn't America's dampness, but the juxtaposition between the "ghostless climate" of the U.S. and Japan's "ghostly dampness". Make the correction. I'd also suggest establishing the year ('08) and place (LA).
"As with previous games" and "As with previous titles" are too similar to be used so close to each other. Differentiate.
"the flashback videos and the core concepts" – Flow: "the flashback videos and core concepts".
"The theme of suicide on the mountain was inspired by Aokigahara, a forest located on Mount Fuji notorious as a suicide site." – Siliconera does not support this. It was mentioned by the interviewer, but never confirmed.
"such as how much of breasts jiggled" – Flow: "such as how much of her breasts would jiggle".

Release

"The game's title" – Avoid repetition: "Its title".
"Tomonobu Itagaki, who stated through his Twitter account" – It was his Facebook account.
"A European release has been announced and is set for October 30, 2015" – Past tense: "A European release was announced for October 30, 2015".
"the game was announced to be released in North America on October 22, 2015" – Avoid repetition: "the game was released in North America on October 22, 2015".
Add Australian release date.
"standalone copy in Australia" – Nintendo Life does not mention Australia.
"only the digital version will be available on the Nintendo eShop" – Past tense: "only the digital version was made available on the Nintendo eShop".

Reception

"and bringing total sales to that point to 34,610" – Fix grammar: "and, at that point, bringing total sales to 34,610".
Ref. 33 (Geimin.net) is dead, and also needs a language= parameter.
Outlets should be italicised. See: Discussion.

Overall

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism):
This makes the copyvio look like this. To put it to rest, could you give evidence that the plot was like that before 30 October 2015?
This proves the YouTube video description was copied from the article, and not the other way around. Cognissonance (talk) 12:52, 20 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):

Pass/Fail: Cognissonance (talk) 08:23, 20 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]
@Cognissonance: Thank you for pointing out all those problems. It's been a long time since I did the major rewrites for this article in 2015. I've done my best to fix everything you raised, and I've corrected both the info surrounding the Australian physical release (that wasn't added by me) and cited its release date. --ProtoDrake (talk) 11:44, 20 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]
@ProtoDrake: I made some edits of my own. If you read the interview with Siliconera, you'll see that the answer to the question mentioning the famous suicide forest on Mount Fuji does not specify that exact forest. I had to remove it entirely. Anyway, you make the best articles about Japanese video game subjects, and have done so once again. Promoted. Cognissonance (talk) 12:52, 20 January 2018 (UTC)[reply]