Talk:Eric Anthony Abrahams/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 20:31, 8 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

Four para lead seems excessive in an article of this size, per MOS:LEAD.

I mean, yes it is but I'm just not sure exactly what to cut... Thoughts?

"Oxford Abrhams was" typo, and comma after Oxford...

Fixed both

There's a link for List of presidents of the Oxford Union.

Linked

The lead seems to have a lead. The first para seems to be summarising the next three paras...

I don't think it's uncommon to have the first paragraph give a brief outline of the most notable things a person did and allude to them again in the next two paragraphs.. It's what I did in my FA Fabian Ware, for instance. Is there something you'd specifically cut?

Is it "director of tourism" or "Director of Toruism"

de-capped and de-capped Minister of Tourism too.

"member of the Jamaican Senate (1977) and ... elected to the Jamaican Parliament in 1980, " the Jamaican Senate was part of the Jamaican Parliament??

house of reps

"officially for "personal reasons", though the actual reason is unclear. " why speculate here?

several newspapers have speculated similarly, speculation that has made it into secondary sources such as Bryan 2011

"against the Gleaner Company, and" overlinked.

fixed

"English at the University of the West Indies beginning in 1958. Abrahams graduated in 1961 with a Bachelor of Arts from the University of London." odd transition from UWI to UL, explain?

added explanatory footnote

"Illness rendered him unable" what illness?

Specified

"and a mediocre student. He was a Rhodes Scholar " these two sentences seem incompatible.

Yes, they do, but it's what sources such as tuck say...

Looking into this, based on the selection criteria that were being used when Abrahams was a student, his mediocre academics would likely have been more than made up for by his student leadership, athletics.

"Oxford,[5][3][6][7] where" four citations (out of order) for one fact?

Ordered, but the four citations are for the preceding five sentences -- some might still be removable

"caused him trouble in admission," what does that mean?

clarified

"St. Peter's" no full stop in St

removed

"debating society, beginning debates" repetitive, and the Oxford Union began debates a lot earlier... I get what you're saying, but rephrase.

better?

"elected president" should be explicit and note that presidents of the union served a single-term term.

added

"Around 1964 he gave a speaking tour across the Middle East" how did he do that as a student??

Unfortunately, Tuck gives no more detail, but I wonder if it was connected to the student conference he attended... Of course those dates don't line up, but I just don't know.

"got the BBC to provide funding" -> "secured funding from the BBC"

sure

"speakers[12] like Malcolm X, who" speakers including Malcolm X, who.... [12]"

done

"Ambassador of South Africa to the United Kingdom" link? And who was that?
"worked at the BBC, in " overlnked.

cut

"a coup in Ghana" link?

linked (it's just a redirect atm)

"interviewing François Duvalier in Haiti" context?

Sources don't specify

"London.[16][3][6] Abrahams" ref order.

done

"director of tourism" capitalised or not?

standardized to not

Halfway through the "Political career" section, plenty to be getting on with here. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 20:46, 9 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for comments to date, replied to some-- requested some pages to Tuck for others-- I had it but my access expired Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 13:03, 10 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks The Rambling Man, the above should be handled, with a few questions. I'm not particularly good at writing leads, so sorry for my ineptitude there... Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 12:12, 11 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]