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TFA blurb review

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William Hardham (31 July 1876 – 13 April 1928) was a New Zealand soldier and recipient of the Victoria Cross, the highest award for gallantry "in the face of the enemy" that could be awarded at the time to personnel of the British and Commonwealth forces. Hardham volunteered to serve with the New Zealand Military Forces in the Boer War in 1900. He was on a patrol in the South African Transvaal when it was ambushed. He rode to the rescue of a wounded soldier while under heavy fire and for this he was awarded the Victoria Cross. He re-enlisted in 1901, and was sent to England for the coronation of King Edward VII and Queen Alexandra. When the First World War began, he volunteered for the New Zealand Expeditionary Force, serving during the Gallipoli Campaign, where he was wounded. After the war, he worked for a newspaper and later the Public Works Department, as well being involved in veterans' affairs and rugby administration with the Wellington Rugby Football Union. (Full article...)


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Hi Zawed and congratulations. A draft blurb for this article is above. Thoughts, comments and edits from you or from anyone else interested are welcome. Gog the Mild (talk) 11:44, 29 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Hi Gog, the blurb looks good to me. Thanks, Zawed (talk) 09:37, 1 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Dumelow

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Comments below moved from main review page, there is apparently an issue with length and number of templates transcluded on the main FAC page - Dumelow (talk) 07:47, 26 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I only looked at the prose, comments below but looking pretty good to me. All the best - Dumelow (talk) 11:38, 5 March 2021 (UTC) Lead[reply]

  • The fact that the VC is the highest award for gallantry is mentioned in the lead but not the main text and is uncited. It would also help to clarify a point in the "South Africa" section where we mention the DCM ("Major-General Ian Hamilton, believed the Distinguished Conduct Medal was a more appropriate form of recognition"). With no background knowledge the reader might think the DCM a higher level award than the VC
Good catch, I have this covered off in other articles for VC recipients but missed it here. Have added discussion to main body on this point. Zawed (talk) 04:53, 6 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • that could be awarded at the time to personnel of the British and Commonwealth forces. - would it be more usual to refer to "Imperial forces" pre Balfour Declaration?
Rejigged this to refer to British Empire. Zawed (talk) 04:53, 6 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • The lead says: he rejoined for another period of service in the Second Boer War but did not return to South Africa and instead was sent to England for the coronation of King Edward VII and Queen Alexandra. while the main text says Soon after the Ninth Contingent's arrival in South Africa in late April, Hardham, along with over 50 other New Zealand mounted riflemen serving in South Africa, was sent to England
Sorted the inconsistency. Zawed (talk) 04:53, 6 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • He soon rejoined the WMR - was it soon if he was injured in Feb 1916 and posted back in "late 1917"?
Rephrased. Zawed (talk) 04:53, 6 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • he was soon discharged from the NZEF - the main text just says After the war, Hardham was discharged from the NZEF. Do we know a date or other means of determining how quick he was discharged?
This got raised by another reviewer as well. I have deleted reference to "soon" since I don't have an explicit source as when the discharge actually took place.
  • he worked for a newspaper and later the Public Works Department as well being involved in veterans' affairs - missing "as" between "well" and "being" or does this work in NZ English?
No, that sounds just as bad in NZ English...added the missing as! Zawed (talk) 04:53, 6 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Main text

  • He volunteered to serve again in South Africa, this time with the Ninth Contingent and was commissioned as a lieutenant in February 1902 - do we know what unit he served with/was commissioned into? Presumably it was a temporary commission as he reverts to the other ranks after the war.
Only that it was the Ninth Contingent, nothing more than that I'm afraid. Zawed (talk) 04:53, 6 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • The area over which the party was to advance was swept with machine-gun fire and the orders to attack were countermanded - perhaps needs clarifying that this was Turkish machine-gun fire?
Done. Zawed (talk) 04:53, 6 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • Soon afterwards, he participated in the Battle for No.3 Post and during this engagement Hardham received serious wounds - I feel we should say something about what this battle was
I have added some explanation/context for this. Zawed (talk) 04:53, 6 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • Unable to return to his work as a blacksmith because of his poor physical condition, he found work at a newspaper and later with the Public Works Department. - repetition of "work", perhaps "found employment at a newspaper" works better?
Hmm, I like to think I'm good at avoiding repetition but that one slipped through. I have gone with your suggestion
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