Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Lady Saigō/archive1

Addressed comments from Crisco 1492

Any reason why her birth name is not in the lede? You give Tozuka Masako as her birth name.
- Her birth name is rarely used, and by all evidence was rarely used in life. The more commonly used names, then & now, have been Lady Saigo and Oai. Her posthumous name is used more than her birth name. Boneyard90 (talk) 13:38, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  - Fair enough, but I'm going to create Tozuka Masako as a redirect just in case. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 13:47, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    - Sounds good. Boneyard90 (talk) 21:21, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Lady Saigō (西郷の局 or 西郷局, Saigō-no-Tsubone) (1552 – 1 July 1589), also known as Oai, was the first consort and trusted confidant of Tokugawa Ieyasu, who would eventually unify and rule Japan as Shogun. and she was the mother of the second shogun, Tokugawa Hidetada. - Too long, should be split.
- Done. Boneyard90 (talk) 13:38, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  - Problem now is that it goes from Ieyasu to Hidetada to Ieyasu. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 13:51, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    - Split into separate paragraphs. Boneyard90 (talk) 21:21, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
has been called a "Cinderella story" of feudal Japan. - by whom
- Changed "called" to "compared", and added an on-line reference. If you don't know Japanese, use your Find feature to search for the word シンデレラ (Cinderella); compare it to the heading on the J-Wikipedia page on Cinderella. Boneyard90 (talk) 14:02, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Hōjō clans - Article here doesn't mention clans.
- Changed. Boneyard90 (talk) 18:15, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

This view contradicts a common impression which maintains that Ieyasu was a ruthless leader who treated all the women in his life, and all of his offspring, as commodities to be used as needed to serve the clan or his own ambitions, but it is also known that he valued personal merit over bloodlines. - This sentence is likewise too long
- Split the sentence. Boneyard90 (talk) 22:40, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Ieyasu's wife's name? You give it later on, but she's mentioned much higher up
- Included Ieyasu's wife's name at the first mention.Boneyard90 (talk) 18:41, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Tokugawa Nobuyasu, Ieyasu's first son by Lady Tsukiyama, was held in confinement until Ieyasu ordered him to commit seppuku. - And a second son? You note that Hidetada was Ieyasu's third son
- Explained in Footnote b, at the end of "Hidetada became Ieyasu's heir apparent". Boneyard90 (talk) 18:41, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
a disconcerting coincidence - According to?
- Removed that sentence. I'll look through my printed sources in more detail, but it doesn't seem too necessary now that I read through the paragraph without the one sentence. Boneyard90 (talk) 18:43, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Because she suffered a high degree of myopia, - In the lede you say it's unconfirmed.
- Removed ambiguity in Lead. Boneyard90 (talk) 19:32, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
branch family - What's this? Link, perhaps?
- There were (still are) many branches of the Matsudaira clan. It happens in Japan. Brothers split, make up new surnames, or go to different region. I will look around for the appropriate article to link. Boneyard90 (talk) 18:48, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Linked and explained. Boneyard90 (talk) 19:19, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Charity" section is really short and should be merged somewhere
- I agree it's short, but I decided to separate it because it was a distinct role from that of concubine and mother, and I have found out, it's the section that intrigues many readers. Suggestions? Boneyard90 (talk) 19:32, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- I added some detail to the section. Let me know what you think. Boneyard90 (talk) 20:42, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
It was later suggested - By whom?
- Changed to "rumors". Boneyard90 (talk) 20:46, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Buddha status - Should this be linked to Buddhahood?
- Done. Boneyard90 (talk) 20:48, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
(all children of Go-Mizunoo) - Were they also her children?
- Clarified. Boneyard90 (talk) 21:02, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

As an adult she was adopted into the Saigō clan and as the first consort of Tokugawa Ieyasu, the title "tsubone" (pronounced tsu-BO-neh) was appended to the surname. - This seems to imply that she received both the name Saigo and title tsubone at the same time. Also, the pronounciation should use the IPA (if its necessary at all... this whole paragraph is interesting, but should be at an article on the title tsubone)
- Clarified time laps between gaining name of Saigo, and later title of "tsubone".
- Changed pronunciation to IPA, but not sure if it's helpful or not. Should it be removed?
- Glad you think the section is interesting, and if there was an article on "tsubone", I would link to it. What with all the names presented in the lead and infobox, I thought it important to inform the reader at the beginning, and as best as concisely as possible, why there were various names, and what their significance was. Otherwise, if the topic is of any interest, the reader has to carefully scroll through the article looking for the events that led to each name change. I am of course, open to suggestions. Boneyard90 (talk) 15:21, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  - If you think so. Wikipedia:Pronunciation respelling key and {{Respell}} both write that the way you originally did it is for English words only, so it's either IPA or nothing. Good point about the events and name changes... perhaps you could create the tsubone article (not required for FA though) — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:16, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    - I'll leave it for now, unless another editor recommends I remove it. I was concerned that a reader would think "tsubone" ended with a "silent e" (so it would rhyme with words like bone, tone, etc.), when it's more of an "eh" sound. Boneyard90 (talk) 00:51, 20 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

The defeat at Yamanaka... was that during a particular war? Or should there be a link to the Sengoku period?
- It occurred early in the Matsudaira Kiyoyasu's conquest of the Mikawa region. I didn't want to digress much, but I can mention that detail. Also, it's linked to the wrong "Yamanaka Castle", so I'm removing the link. Boneyard90 (talk) 15:31, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  - Okay. I'm not entirely familiar with Japanese history, so I'm still a little confused on this point. A bit of contextual information may be useful. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:16, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    - Ok, I added that Kiyoyasu was Tokugawa Ieyasu's grandfather, and a couple of other details about clan/clan relationships. That might give it some more context. I've never heard of that campaign described as a "war", because after all, it was the Age of Warring States in Japan. Everybody was at war. Mainly I wanted to provide the explanation of the ties between the Saigo clan and Tokugawa Ieyasu, so yeah, if you don't know that Matsudaira Kiyoyasu was the grandfather, then the significance of the Yamanaka battle might be lost. Boneyard90 (talk) 00:51, 20 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Yuunoki - Is this spelled right?
- Corrected and linked. Boneyard90 (talk) 20:46, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  - A train station? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:16, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    - Well, the Yunoki section doesn't have its own page, and its not mentioned in the article on the next highest administrative division (Aoi Ward), so I thought the train station, which is named after the town it's in (Yunoki), was the next most relevant article. Should I link to the ward, the city, or de-link altogether? Boneyard90 (talk) 01:09, 20 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
      - Hmm, perhaps write Yunoki, Shizuoka, to ... (and delink) — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:22, 20 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
        Both are explained in a footnote. Boneyard90 (talk) 03:24, 20 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

"adulthood" - Scare quotes don't really get your point across. Sexual maturity?
- Quotation marks are used because that was the term in the source, and because it is unclear what age is precisely meant by "adulthood". Nowadays, of course, we usually mean "age 18"; in the past it probably was "sexual maturity", but it might also have been after some ceremony was performed after the attainment of "sexual maturity". I didn't want to presume the author's meaning. I think if I used "sexual maturity", I would need another source stating that in Sengoku Japan, "adulthood" = "sexual maturity", therefore I used quotes. Should I move the citation from the end of the sentence to the point following the quoted term? Or should I add a redundant citation, at "adulthood" and at the end of the sentence? Boneyard90 (talk) 18:32, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  - Perhaps a footnote about how adulthood was defined in feudal Japan, then? Allow readers to decide for themselves. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:16, 19 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    - I will begin digging through the sources I have on hand. Boneyard90 (talk) 01:09, 20 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]