Wikipedia:WikiProject Video games/Peer review/Crush 40

Crush 40

This is the first article I've ever worked on, and I think I've done a great deal with a topic that once was considered doomed mostly due to fancruft and notability issues. It's a GA right now, and although I seriously doubt this article will ever get to anything past it, I would like to see myself proven wrong in this case. I know there's a pretty heavy reliance on self-published sources and that three of my links have 404'd due to site maintenance of the sites (edit: site links were fixed for the links that 404'd and I didn't even have to touch the links). I am also aware that there's not a free image for the infobox, which is why I've got a WP:RB request since I would rather not deal with it myself. So what I want is absolutely anything and everything you think will improve the article. Multiple reviewers are welcome, all comments are welcome. Thank you all in advance for your time, Red Phoenix ^{flame of life...protector of all...} 04:10, 4 August 2008 (UTC)

Just a small comment, I'd really like it if someone could review this. I've assessed the article too much in the past so I can hardly comment on it now. User:Krator (t c) 20:37, 8 August 2008 (UTC)

I know you have, Krator, and I really appreciate all you've done to help this article along. Red Phoenix ^{flame of life...protector of all...} 21:57, 8 August 2008 (UTC)

Review by Guyinblack25

Ask and ye shall receive Krator. I'm really not familiar with music or biography articles, so I'm afraid most of my comments will focus mainly on grammar and organization. Here's what stood out to me.

Much appreciated! User:Krator (t c) 22:41, 11 August 2008 (UTC)

The lead

• The lead seemed a bit out of order. The second paragraph referenced info that was introduced in the third paragraph. I would split up the sentences in the second paragraph—two is too short for a paragraph anyway—and add them to the other paragraphs.
  • I would trim/tweak this sentence and move it to the end of the first paragraph:
    "Due to tThe reunion of the Norwegian band Sons of Angels,prompted the band tochanged its name to Crush 40, and released its second album under this name."
  • I would trim/tweak this sentence and move it to the end of the third paragraph. See next item for rewrite: "Crush 40 has also contributed music to game soundtracks for Wave Master Entertainment."
• This part of the last sentence is redundant since the whole rest of the lead and article convey this:
  "Most of the band's contributions are songs for the various games in this series, making Crush 40 a recognizable part of the video gamesand include games by Sega's research and development team Wave Master Entertainment."

Formation and Thrill of the Feel

• Trimming and minor rewording:
  "Once he had After graduateding from college in 1993, Jun Senoue was employed bybegan work at Sega to beas a music composer for video games."
• Minor trimming:
  "His first project was creating two songs for the game..."
• Minor trimming:
  "Later, he would end up workinged on other games such as..."
• I think these two short sentences would work well together to improve flow:
  "In 1998, Senoue contacted the singer from Hardline, Johnny Gioeli. Together, and they recorded their first song as a group, "Open Your Heart"."
• I believe it should be "the track", instead of "that track".
  "After making thate track..."
• Trimming wordiness:
  "The band was formed under the name "Sons of Angels", with the band name being the exact same as a song that Senoue performed..."
• This just sounds better to me:
  "The original band wasincluded Senoue as the guitarist..."
• The next sentence seems to pop out of nowhere. I'd give a little bit more to give the reader more context:
  "In 2000, the band released their album Thrill of the Feel was released bythrough Victor Entertainment."

Several changes and Crush 40

• Is there a better heading title for this? Maybe "Band changes and Crush 40"
• I noticed that there are a few long quotes from Senoue. It may be better to summarize those. Instead of starting with "When asked...", you could just say "Senoue did this because..." or "Senoue did this to..."
• I would rewrite/restructure this sentence. I would get rid of the 10th anniversary content unless it directly relates to the bands resurface:
  "The band resurfaced during the development ofWhen Sonic Adventure 2 was being made in time for Sonic's 10th anniversary, the band resurfaced."
• I would remove this sentence, as it borderlines WP:WEASEL: "However, Sons of Angels would not get to keep their name."
• Is there a date when the Norwegian band reunited?
• Tweak
  "BecauseIn XXXX, the Norwegian band "Sons of Angels" reunited under this aliasname that they had before,. As a result, the band members decided to change the band's name to Crush 40."
• "Two years later" from when? The note above should address this: "Two years later, the album Crush 40..."
• Trimmed album description; no need for some details as the reader just read about it three paragraphs ago. Also, "essentially" is kind of ambiguous. If they were most of the same tracks go ahead and say this so the reader understands how the two albums differ:
  "The album contained essentially the same music as their previous album with the same racing theme of the songs written for NASCAR Arcade, but this time, there were no without instrumental tracks."

Continued work with Sega

• I notice some short paragraphs here. I would see if some can be joined together to balance things out more.
• Minor trimming/tweaking: Some is redundant because of the first sentence:
  "However, the band has performed original musicsongs for several video games. The songs the band performed for these games were released on theeach game's soundtracks of each game, under Sega's Wave Master Entertainment label."
• More trimming:
  "The music itself was also released on the Triple Threat: Sonic Heroes Vocal Trax soundtrack."
• The info about the drummers seems out of place there. I would move it to before the info about the soundtrack release. Also, there's no need to say "the booklet credits..." Unless this is disputed by another source, just say "the drummer for X was Y".
• Reword for clarity, I sure they did not return right when the game was announced:
  "When Sega announced Shadow the Hedgehog iIn 2005, Crush 40 returned to perform the game's theme song to Shadow the Hedgehog, "I Am (All of Me)"."
• Trim/reword:
  "There game include is a second song by Crush 40 in the game, the ending theme namedtitled "Never Turn Back""
• Minor trimming:
  "Both of these songs also appear on the..."
• Tweak to reduce use of "also" and minor rewording:
  "Crush 40 also made contributions to the 2006 Sonic the Hedgehog 2006game."
• Minor tweak:
  "...but both of these songs are on thise game's soundtrack..."
• Orphan sentence. I would add this to the paragraph right before it: "The band also contributed several of its songs, including "Live and Learn", to the video game Super Smash Bros. Brawl."

Musical Style

• Minor trim. The "however" seems inappropriate here because the following sentence doesn't convey info that is drastically different from the previous info.
  "However, Crush 40 has also experimented..."
• Same with Senoue's quotes above, I would paraphrase and summarize them more.

Other tracks and Gameography

• The tables seem a bit over linked, but that's just me.

This is very cool that such a video game article has made it to GA. I'm not sure what would really get this to FA, but I hope my comments help some. Keep up the good work. (Guyinblack25 ^talk 17:00, 11 August 2008 (UTC))

Thanks, I'm working on implementing the changes. I knew this article needed a decent copyedit beyond what I could give it having read it so many times as I rewrite it. I hope I can get more content-based stuff or some source comments (since unfortunately about half of the article is cited through a self-published source, though none of it has to do with the band's notability). Red Phoenix ^{flame of life...protector of all...} 00:04, 13 August 2008 (UTC)