Wikipedia:Peer review/Super Mario 64 DS/archive1

Super Mario 64 DS

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for December 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've been meaning to clean this article up for GAN, but it's been a while since I've played the game. Any comments and suggestions to improve the article's grammar and accessibility would be appreciated. Thanks, (Guyinblack25 ^talk 05:07, 10 December 2008 (UTC))[reply]

Comment. I'm afraid I won't have the time to look through the entire article. But I scanned through the lead and saw this sentence: "The game sold well territories and, as of March 2008, sold 6.12 million copies worldwide." What does the fist part of that sentence mean? Is there perhaps an "in" missing? The Prince (talk) 21:40, 10 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks for the catch and the clean up to the infobox. (Guyinblack25 ^talk 22:02, 10 December 2008 (UTC))[reply]

Comments by Monowi: I've have a few suggestions that may help you out:

The first sentence in the second paragraph of the lead section begins, "Development was again handled..." That wording doesn't make much sense, because it hasn't been previously established in this article that Nintendo Entertainment Analysis and Development produced the original Super Mario 64. I suggested rewording the sentence to something like, "Nintendo Entertainment Analysis and Development, who produced the original version of the game, first displayed the game as a multiplayer demonstration at the 2004 E3 titled Super Mario 64 x4."
I'd also suggest re-wording the sentence that currently reads, "Super Mario 64 DS centers around the same plot as the original, rescue Princess Peach from Bowser, with slight changes to accommodate the additional characters." My suggestion for a better sentence would be to have it read, "As with the original title, the plot of Super Mario 64 DS centers on rescue of Princess Peach from Bowser, with slight changes to accommodate the additional characters."
Just as in the Wikipedia article for Super Mario 64, this article could benefit from a citation at the end of sentence to back up the claim that it was "critically and commercially successful." Just re-citing one of the sources used later in the article should be fine for now. If you haven't before, I'd also suggest taking an in-depth look at Wikipedia:Neutral point of view for a few pointers before the GAN nomination, particularly as it concerns this part of the lead. Try to integrate concrete facts and figures more. For example, if it was the one of the top ten selling DS games of 2004 or 2005, info like that would be a great thing to mention in the lead to back up its claims of success.

Kudos on having the article fairly well referenced too. If I see anything else in the way of copyediting or general suggestions I'll be sure to add it here later. Cheers, Monowi (talk)

Thanks for the comments. Any other suggestions would be appreciated as well. (Guyinblack25 ^talk 21:28, 15 December 2008 (UTC))[reply]