Wikipedia:Peer review/Paper Dolls (film)/archive1
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want to submit this article for GA, and possibly FA.
Thanks, Starczamora (talk) 09:09, 28 February 2008 (UTC)
- No responses yet, eh? Well, a couple quick suggestions... first, you'll want to expand the lead as per WP:LEAD to around three paragraphs. I'd also suggest renaming the "Plot" section. It makes me question whether this is really a documentary or not. Also, look at your in-line citations. There are a couple sentences that are followed with two cites (I call it "cite-cruft") where it's not needed. Doubling citations really should only be for potentially controversial information - a DVD release date doesn't seem controversial to me. I'd also recommend you ask for a specific peer review from Wikipedia:WikiProject LGBT studies. Best of luck! --Midnightdreary (talk) 14:39, 14 March 2008 (UTC)
Ruhrfisch comments: (after edit conflict) Overall interesting and well done - I think it is pretty close to GA status. Some suggestions:
- Expand the lead per WP:LEAD, for example the Reception section is not mentioned here at all, but the lead should summarize the article.
- A copyedit is needed.
- One example He urges her to learn Hebrew by reciting a poem written by Yehuda Amichai, while he basks in Sally's warmth and wit.[7] Since he (Chaim) has lost his voice, he can not be reciting it, but the sentence as written is unlcear as to who is reciting (Sally).
- There are other places that need some polish / grammar corrections. In contrast, when the Paper Dolls were arranged for an audition at TLV—the largest nightclub in Tel Aviv—the booker instead relegated them as geishas who bow by the entrance and were described as "unprofessional" and "fit only for a bus stop".[9][10] This is a run-on sentence and not grammatical. Perhaps In contrast, after the Paper Dolls were hired at TLV—the largest nightclub in Tel Aviv—instead of performing on stage, the booker relegated them to a role as geishas. They would bow by the entrance and were described as "unprofessional" and "fit only for a bus stop".[9][10]
- I have not seen the film so I do not know if the "plot" is complete, but it seems as if the description of waht happens in the film could be expanded.
- Participants section - I would identify each of these people and explain their role in the film. Also explain why some died during filming.
- Production - can more said on the 6 hour tv production this was made from? Was it also called Paper Dolls?
- Relesases and Reception seem well done - perhaps identify the three Paper Dolls in the image (wearing newspaper dresses)
- references 2 and 5 do not have complete information (all internet refs should have date accessed, publisher, author if known and title).
Hope this helps, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 15:32, 14 March 2008 (UTC)