Wikipedia:Peer review/Alice of Champagne/archive1
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I've listed this article for peer review because I am planning to nominate it for FAC. I would appreciate all comments and suggestions. Thank you for your time. Borsoka (talk) 03:17, 16 February 2024 (UTC)
Thebiguglyalien
[edit]The thing that stands out the most is that the article is very short. That doesn't mean it can't be an FAC, of course, but make sure you've really found every accessible source that gives significant coverage to Alice of Champagne. I do get the impression that it covers the major aspects, but with an article of this size, reviewers are going to pay close attention to whether any information is missing. The FAC will likely fail if there's a book out there that could be used to expand the article. Check The Wikipedia Library if you haven't already to be sure you're not missing anything.
- Thank you for your review. I think the article covers the major events of Alice's life based on the available literature. Borsoka (talk) 02:56, 21 February 2024 (UTC)
The other major concern is that it can be hard to follow at times. There are a lot of names, titles, and relations to keep track of. I don't have any specific suggestions here, but try to keep that in mind while writing. Make sure it's always clear who's being referred to and remind the reader who the person is if they haven't been mentioned in a while.
I made these copyedits while reading the article.
Childhood:
- The first two paragraphs of this section are especially hard to follow. A lot of names are thrown at the reader, and a lot of people are referred to indirectly. It would be helpful if the section really broke things down and took its time to explain each part of the story and how everyone connects to each other.
- Consider moving all of the info about the agreement to the next section where her marriage is covered. This makes the Childhood section cleaner and keeps all of the relevant info in one place.
Before his departure for the Holy Land
– What departure? Is this part of a crusade?who was Theobald III's widow and Theobald IV's mother
– It might be clearer to just say "who was Theobald IV's mother", since that's what's relevant here.
- I restructured the paragraph, expanded it with background information about the Crusader states, and moved the genetical chart to this section to ease the identification of individuals. Borsoka (talk) 02:56, 21 February 2024 (UTC)
Cyprus:
- Do any sources provide a reason why the investigation of Isabella's marriages wasn't completed?
- Explanation added.
bailli
isn't a common term and should be defined or linked to an article that defines it.
- Term explained.
- A few words to explan who Ernoul is would be helpful.
- Ernoul's chronicle introduced.
against which her aunt Blanche protested
– What about it was Blanche was protesting?
- Reworded. Borsoka (talk) 07:27, 21 February 2024 (UTC)
In exile:
Pope Honorius ordered Archbishop Eustorgius of Nicosia to inquire into the legality of the marriage
– Why? Was there good reason to question the marriage? Was the Pope trying to cause problems for her?
- Explained. Borsoka (talk) 07:27, 21 February 2024 (UTC)
- What High Court are we talking about? What jurisdiction does it have?
- Explained.
Alice and Bohemond's marriage was subsequently annulled.
– Could more be said about this? Did this affect Alice in any way?
- Expanded.
to account for the administration of the revenue of Cyprus during his and his brother's time
– Is it possible to simplify this?
- Simplified.
Alice returned to the Holy Land in 1233
– When did Alice previously go to the Holy Land?
- There are several references to his previous visits in the Holy Land.
- I suggest moving the genealogy chart to its own section below the body so it doesn't isolate the Jerusalem section from the rest of the article.
- I preferred to move it to the first section.
Jerusalem:
At the request of the members of the High Court, Philip of Novara, a noted jurist, stated that Frederick had forfeited his right to administer the Kingdom of Jerusalem when his son, Conrad, had reached the age of majority on 25 April 1243.
– There's a lot going on here. I suggest splitting it into two sentences and explaining it more slowly.
- Reworded.
but Acera could not land in the kingdom
– Why not? Was he stopped by people loyal to Alice?
- The source does not explain it.
I think I addressed all the problems you raised above. I am really grateful for your review and suggestions. Please let me know if any further action is needed to improve the article. Borsoka (talk) 03:27, 22 February 2024 (UTC) Borsoka, hopefully this is helpful. Thebiguglyalien (talk) 22:00, 19 February 2024 (UTC)
- STANDARD NOTE: I have added this PR to the Template:FAC peer review sidebar to get quicker and more responses. When this PR is closed, please remove it from the list. Also, consider adding the sidebar to your userpage to help others discover pre-FAC PRs, and please review other articles in that template. Thanks! Z1720 (talk) 19:48, 2 March 2024 (UTC)