User talk:Samkhundmiri

your Humanities Reference Desk question

since you say "i want complete information that what are the effects of divorce on children" you will find my clarification below helpful (it is being removed from the Reference Desk by one person who is really bothered by it.):

Q. What if the marriage is falling apart because of an abusive spouse? Do you really believe that the children would prefer an abusive parent to a divorced one? What if in their minds, sticking around in an abusive marriage makes them lose all respect for the suffering parent? Worse yet, what if, following the IP's logic, it turns the children into abusive parents eventually? It could be the case, as could the IP's scenario.

A. Your scenario makes perfect sense when considering marriage to a stranger, for example one arranged by your Indian parents. You could definitely end up with one of the few people in the country who is a psychotic killer, and in that case, getting away with your life (which can't be said of the 34 people nationwide he's murdered during your marriage, while telling you he was going on business trips) is the happiest, luckiest outcome. But wait, what's that? Your marriage was neither with someone you hadn't met before your engagement, nor, in fact arranged at all? You knew this person personally? Well: if your relationship is now sour, it means you (two) haven't played your cards right. The reason you haven't is because your parents didn't show you how to. To hear these people talking about abusive relationships, you'd think it was a lottery like a government assignment, and some people get to work in Paris while some get sent to a Balkan warzone. Um, no. It's like all these guys complaining about how this wasn't the woman they married, she's gained 45 pounds and turned into a lazy couch potatoe. "how do I get my wife to lose weight", they say. Fucking amateurs. the reason their wife is the way she is is because the whole couple didn't play their cards right. that's true of abusive spouses, of fat couch potatoes, of men who don't do anything but watch sports, of callousness, of emotional blackmail, and the list goes on and on. These people are just amateurs, but hey, if you don't want to learn to be a pro, go ahead and pass that example on to your children. It's no different from taking your six year old to McDonalds and ordering yourself a supersized big mac meal and a couple of cheeseburgers to go with it. Maybe you're getting your child a happy meal, but thirty years from now, you'll have no one to blame but yourself that your child is a fat pig who routinely eats a supersized big mac meal with two extra cheeseburgers and a Sundae. Did you teach them how to cook for themselves or others like a fucking civilized member of the human race? No: you were busy teaching them how to be otherwise. Go ahea and teach them how to be a sorry excuse for a member of a marriage and don't be surprised when they end up in the same position. Or, with the analogy, learn how to cook. Learn how a marriage is supposed to work - your parents might not have showed or taught you in a way that is applicable to your situation, but it's 2010 and you can sure as fuck learn. (For starters: the answer to "how do I get my wife to lose weight" is to do something togeter that she enjoys as a hobby, whether tennis, hiking, dancing, rollerblading, whatever. maybe if you tookthe time to sugest it, you would find your particular spouse would love to go to the gym with you, or go swimming with you, or whatever. Don't mention her weight or answer questions about it.)

Q. I'm not entirely sure what the "money problems" that the IP talks about could be. If the family has little money, wouldn't a divorce (and the consequent split of one household into two) make matters even worse, money-wise? What am I missing here? TomorrowTime (talk) 13:59, 15 August 2010 (UTC)

A. One example of "money problems" would be the opinion of one spouse that the other is irresponsible with money. Here's an article called "Why money is the leading cause of divorce" which states "Fifty-seven percent of divorced couples in the United States cited financial problems as the primary reason for the demise of their marriage" (emphasis added). A Google search for the top reasons for divorce has most sources listing finances around three or four. 92.230.67.85 (talk) 15:50, 15 August 2010 (UTC) —Preceding unsigned comment added by 92.230.67.12 (talk)

With regards to your first reply, your comment is just stupid. Even if someone made a bad decision, perhaps when they were young and a bit naïve and entered into a marriage and had kids with someone who is abusive (ignoring for a minute that it's not obvious as first what sort of person they are), it still doesn't benefit their kids to allow themselves to get beaten up, and perhaps even them and/or their kids murdered depending on how bad the person is simply because they made a mistake. Even if the kids aren't murdered, it's not clear to me how you believe it's of any benefit to the kids to see their parent beaten up (or whatever) every so often. What the kids are going to learn from that are one or a combination of 1) It's okay to be in a relationship where your partner beats you up. 2) It's okay to be up your partner when your in a relationship 3) Relationships are just not worth the trouble (I think 3 is the most common one nowadays.) The right thing to do in some cases is to acknowledge you made a mistake, and yes end the marriage, you don't have to suffer being beaten up every day just because you made a mistake of having kids with someone like that as you seem to think people should. Of course, seeing their parents do that can often help kids to realise that yes, there are some things they shouldn't tolerate in a relationship and make them more likely to make that decision sooner rather then end up with kids as your advice is likely to do.

Of course you response is even more silly since there's no indication that the OP is even married. Perhaps they were told by their parent A that the reason why they stayed with the other parent B even though parent B beat them up everyday was for the OP and they're confused and seeking answers. And you've just told them that if it wasn't an arranged marriage then because the parent A who was beaten up made a mistake, perhaps when they were young, and married and had kids with parent B, they were right to stay with parent B and get beaten up. In such a case, if I were the OP and thought your comments had any merit, there is little chance in hell I would want to enter into a relationship since I would know if I made a mistake and married someone who I later found out was psychotic and likely to kill me, I should stay together because it was my fault. No matter how well the psychotic hid it, or perhaps the psychotic was okay at first, but then had problems which I tried my best to help them with but to no avail but hey the fact I don't have a crystal ball and despite the fact I tried my very best to help them I should still stay with the person who's now psychotic according to your simplistic notions.

You also seem to be suggesting that there's always some magic way one parent can solve all the problems of the other parent. While it's true most marriage breakups probably involve some blame on both parties, clearly it is possible that one parent has done basically all they can to help and support and whatever the other one, and really has little blame for the problems the relationship has. In the real word, since people don't have a magic way of changing someone else, people do of course sometimes have to make a choice between staying with that person and ending it. Given your rant about responsibility, it seems strange that you've ignored that the other parent should have primarily responsibility for themselves and their problems. Whether the parent without the problems should have know of the person's flaws beforehand or whether things happened which lead to them (obvious things would be gambling, alcohol, drug or some other addition, while sometimes people may have these before and perhaps a trained psychiatrist could recognise the signs, for most of us we have no way of knowing whether something, say the loss of a child, or a job or whatever is going to trigger a downward spiral which try as we may we can't get our spouse out of) is again largely moot. Unless of course you're suggesting that even in the real, non magic world, it's always the right decision to stay with someone with whatever problems which you can't get them out of. If so, again it's not clear how you think having their parent gamble their money away, or be drunk or on drugs all the time is helpful to the kids, who may even pick up on their problems, and could easily be indirectly exposed to various risks (loan sharks, drug dealers, drugs, fire) is good for the kids. Nor is it clear why you think it's of any help to the OP who as I've said could easily be a child wondering why their parent A stayed with parent B to know that you think parent A did the right thing as they should stay with parent B even with the problems they had which parent B should take primary responsibility for and parent A did their very best to get them to get help. And again the OP isn't particularly likely to want to enter a relationship based on your advice. Ironically of course in a small number of circumstances, a divorce can actually be a trigger for the person with the problems to get themselves sorted but no according to you they should stay together.

Of course your comments also do little to address the effects of divorce on children, other then to allege that if you married someone you knew before the marriage and it wasn't arranged, it's better for the kids to stay with the person even if they are psychotic who beats you up every day and is probably one day going to kill you all, so do very little to address the OPs question. Instead they appear to be simply a random rant and berating anyone who divorces, even those people who wanted to save the lives of themselves and their kids by ending their relationship with the psyschotic.

Nil Einne (talk) 11:08, 19 August 2010 (UTC)

Note

Just to let you know, you are free to remove any comments on your talk page. If you have any problems, do contact me. Nil Einne (talk) 11:32, 19 August 2010 (UTC)