User talk:Happiness47/sandbox

You have a lot of info here, and I think your challenge is going to be getting it into the form required of a solid wiki page. Right now there are so many bullet points. Look for ways to summarize. Colbuendia71 (talk) 19:26, 12 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Consider your verb tenses in some of these bullet points: you're talking about the future when these are past events. This clued me in to a major issue with what you have written so far: some of it is copied almost directly from the pages you're citing. You're in danger here of violating the plagiarism policy. Colbuendia71 (talk) 19:33, 12 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Looking at your last section: what does a simple list of schools with addresses contribute to the page? What can you do to make this page more notable to the reader? Colbuendia71 (talk) 19:33, 12 November 2016 (UTC) Hi, I read over your entire entry and you wrote a lot of valuable information. I did notice some of your sentences were run-on. also there are a few sentences where they begin with lower case letters or contain too many comma's. If you close read each sentence to eliminate words that are not needed the paragraphs will flow better. I often am guilty of this. I found your page very informative.Rutgersgirl81 (talk) 23:37, 15 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Looking at your first paragraph, I think you could use citations there. I understand that information comes from a source cited later, but I think it doesn't look great to have a whole paragraph without a citation. You also need to check your verb tenses carefully: there are several instances (such as "Christie claims") that are in present tense when they should be in past; remember that the sources you're pulling from were writing about the present, but you're considering them as past now. I would also say that the page feels a bit scattered. Think of ways you can do a bit of reorganizing and pull things together in sections: look at how many single sentence paragraphs you have. How do those ideas relate to one another? Think of what your subheadings could be. The paragraph that begins "on March 9, 2015 the..." is a good model for how the entire page should look. Colbuendia71 (talk) 19:42, 22 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

There's really only one issue I can speak to here: direct, uncited quotes from a single source. You absolutely have to reword these and cite the source; if this is present in your final submission, you will be cited for plagiarism. I think the section is a great, but I can't really comment on its quality until the citation issue is solved. Colbuendia71 (talk) 19:45, 13 December 2016 (UTC)[reply]