User talk:BrowniePointz/sandbox

Comments

BrowniePointz - your draft has assembled a good deal of useful and relevant information, and this is great. The organization needs work, since the paragraphs are long by encyclopedic standards and the information is dense. Ideally, someone reading this section of the article should be able to get the "gist" of what you are saying from reading the first few sentences. Then if they want to get more detail, they can continue reading and learn more. You need a lead sentence, following the Epidemiology heading, that summarizes everything that is to follow. I suggest that you begin with this sentence:

"It was not until the late twentieth century that the the West reached a consensus that regarded obesity as an epidemic.[3] The issue first received attention in the mid-twentieth century.[4] Though there are many programs in place to help with battling childhood obesity, research indicates that childhood obesity rates have increased over the past three decades."

Edit if necessary, and then build off it to let readers know that various studies have been conducted in the US, Canada, and Europe, etc., and tell the reader the range of dates in which they took place. Then you can talk about the World Health Organization and the definition of obesity, etc.

I think you also need to elaborate a bit more if possible. What kind of study did Howard Pickering Bowditch do? Who was he? What did his study find? It's not clear why he's included since there's no mention of his work.

Keep up the good work here, it's still rough in places but promising. Cliomania (talk) 03:33, 31 March 2016 (UTC)