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Hey! What are you doing here? You fool! You shouldn't be here! Go this way! Quickly, quickly! Unless you want to go somewhere better...
Colonel Wilhelm Klink performing his rendition of Beethoven's Violin Sonata No. 6, not realizing that the man standing next to him shoots first and asks questions later.
This is the user page for Colonel Wilhelm Klink, who has been an editor on Wikipedia since February 29, 2016. While this "Klink" fellow may seem like a genuinely stable editor and overall nice guy, do not be fooled! He is in reality quite slow, dim-witted, and basically incapable of complex thoughts. If (or rather, when) he makes any mistakes or creates any problems in his editing, please notify him on his talk page. If you do not wish to do so, just carry on with your business, pretending that you see nothing – nothing!!
As a young lad, Colonel Wilhelm Klink was "accidentally" dropped out of a third-story window by his mother; in case you hadn't guessed, he landed on his head. Upon recovering from this, he was, again, "accidentally" dropped out of a third-story window, this time by his father (sensing a theme here?). After an official investigation, the local police filled out a report on the incident consisting of just one word: "Justified".
Upon flunking out of sixteen successive preparatory schools (and being laughed out of five others), Klink's father took the initiative, enrolling him in a military academy ("Son, you are good for nothing else, so why don't you join the army?"). On his first day of service, a computer error (à la Catch-22) promoted him to the rank of colonel, at which he has remained to this day.
Despite his name, Colonel Wilhelm Klink does not reside in Klink, Germany, as he has been banned from that country for being, in the words of the German government, a "...what?...who let you in?...you...you...get out of here! Get out of here now!" Ahem. Today, Klink lives in a dumpster in Chicago, Nevada, with his six cats and his collection of used tissues.
"Oh, no! Not Klink!" (staples self in head)Jimbo's userspace guard chimpanzee stops Colonel Wilhelm Klink before the latter leaves yet another stupid message on his talk page.
This is Colonel Wilhelm Klink's[1] "Other" section, which serves as the proverbial landfill for this proverbial garbage dump of a user page. Be forewarned: Colonel Wilhelm Klink is not responsible for any injuries sustained by readers of this content who attempt to "do something foolish" after realizing that this is not just some horrible nightmare.
If you have read this entire page to this point, congratulations; you've just wasted five minutes of your life that you'll never get back! It's much more depressing when someone points it out to you, isn't it?
^With many thanks to the users from whose pages I found copied some of these: User:Thingg; User:Bulldog73; User:Hannahmontana and mileycyrus Fan 1; and others.
Apparently, someone (possibly the nefarious Klink himself) has made a grievous error in creating an "Accolades and Achievements" section for Colonel Wilhelm Klink. While he is rather skilled when it comes to washing vegetables by hand and picking change up from the sidewalk, it is not possible for him to have fulfilled any of the tasks or achieved any of the criteria specified below. If you do not see many userboxes or awards below, it is a sign that the forces of good are at work, and that you will most likely have a very merry Christmas. Please, folks: If you value the truth, ignore this section!
It should be noted that the "Petition Against Ignore All Rules Abuse" userbox was stolen from the user page of User:Ser Amantio di Nicolao. But seriously, we all knew that deep down, right?
The "I Lack Judgment" Award
You have a good sense of humor, and I appreciate your work thus far. GABHello! 23:35, 12 March 2016 (UTC)
The "Something For Nothing" Award
The Original Barnstar
for your perfectly splendid username. OnionRing (talk) 18:37, 30 May 2016 (UTC)
The "BLP-PROD Appreciation" Award
Thank you for your warning about my Anne Byrne page. I always appreciate guidance in creating acceptable Wikipedia articles. x
The "Something From A User With Only Three Edits Who Hasn't Made Any Contributions To The Encyclopedia Except To Give People Awards So It Really Can't Mean Much But, What The Hell, It's Free Stuff, Right?" Award
Mixed a happy beverage, grabbed a bag of Cheetos, got comfy in a cushy chair with my laptop, and started reading. I was pleasantly surprised...(to hell with PC) had to clean spewed beverage from my monitor and pick Cheetos up off the floor. After what I've been wading through today, it was a welcome distraction! Thank you for sharing!! Atsme📞📧 01:18, 30 August 2016 (UTC)
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