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Talk:The Suicide of Rachel Foster/GA1

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Reviewer: IceWelder (talk · contribs) 21:50, 14 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Will review within the next week. IceWelder [✉] 21:50, 14 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

General
  • Per recent consensus, "Microsoft Windows" should be simplified to "Windows".
  • Is "ONE-O-ONE" an acronym? If not, it should be normalized to "One-O-One".
    •  Done
  • To a non-American reader, it is unclear what "FEMA" is. Upon its first usage in both the lead and the body, the full name should be used first and the acronym attached only if it is used further in the respective part.
    •  Done
Infobox
  • "Cover art of the game" can be simplified to "Cover art".
    •  Done.
  • Sort platforms chronologically (Windows -> PS4 -> Xbox -> Switch).
    •  Done.
  • Add the primary genre.
  • The publisher, composer, and engine are all missing from the body. They should be mentioned and sourced somewhere – best in the Development section.
    •  Done
    It seems you removed the composer (perhaps due to lack of a source)? He is indeed mentioned in the Vigamus Magazine source if that helps.
  • Add Graziano Pimpolari as artist, as mentioned in the Development section.
    •  Done.
Lead
  • The initial year of release should be in the first sentence like "The Suicide of Rachel Foster is a 2020 adventure video game ..." (per WP:VG/LEAD).
    •  Done
  • Now that the release year is in the first sentence, I suggest moving the subsequent sentence about the release down to after the development summary to replicate the order of the body.
    •  Done
  • Mention the name "Timberline Hotel" when the hotel is first mentioned and avoid repeating that the game is set there in the development summary.
    •  Done
  • "Nicole and Irving relationship" -> "Nicole and Irving's relationship".
  • The proper name for the award event seems to be "DStars", not "DStar Awards".
    •  Done
Gameplay
  • The section has a significant overlap with the succeeding Plot section.
    When elements (e.g. the wider setting, the time frame, ...) do not have an impact on the gameplay, they should not be mentioned here. Instead, the section should focus only on how the game is played, so how the player interacts with the world (exploration, picking up objects, questioning Irving on new elements, puzzles, ...).
    If you feel like this would make the section far too short, consider merging it with the Plot section ("Gameplay and plot").
  • Simplify the image caption: "Rachel interacting with a radiotelephone she uses to communicate with Irving." -> "Rachel interacting with a radiotelephone to communicate with Irving" (no period per MOS:CAPTION).
Plot
  • The plot currently exceeds the 700-word limit, so it needs to be trimmed down a bit.
Development
  • As the release is also covered, consider renaming the section "Development and release".
  • From the introduction, Bellincampi's statement could be moved to "Setting" and the voice cast to "Story and themes", leaving only the studio, director, development time, and release dates.
    •  Done
  • Simplify "first revealed" -> "revealed".
  • Swap the sources after the Gamescom sentence to maintain numerical ordering.
  • Jump scares are seemingly not mentioned in the source provided.
    •  Done
  • The source on Azara mentions him as Head of Games of 101%, not One-O-One Games. How are these two companies related?
    The same source also mentions that Reddoll and Alphaomega Group collaborated on this game. How do they fit into the picture?
  • Remove the fictional time and location in "Setting" as they are already mentioned in the Plot section.
    •  Done
  • Split the first sentence of "Story and themes" into two at "... without becoming overly morbid and depressing and to achieve this ..." to improve flow.
  • "interesting game mechanic" is a misquote; the source as "intriguing game mechanic".
Reception
  • Add the used reviews' scores to the score table.
  • Remove redundant "generally" from "mixed or average reviews".
  • When mentioning a review outlet, also mention the author(s) of the review, as the opinions presented are the reviewers', not necessarily the outlets'.
    Once introduced, the reviewers can just be mentioned by their last names when they occur again. Use this to remove repeated constructs like "X said Z, as did Y" by simplifying some of them to "X and Y said Z".
  • The section features "praised" and "criticized" 14 times each. Try to find some variations to avoid repetition.
    •  Done
  • Many of the outlets are linked multiple times. Duplicate links should be removed. I recommend using User:Evad37/duplinks-alt to validate there are no more duplicate links.
  • "... called the environment "engaging"[19] and capable of creating tension,[19] ..." features the same ref twice in the same sentence. The first occurrence should be removed.
  • "The game's plot and ending received a mixed response from critics" – "a mixed response" -> "mixed responses".
  • Instead of awkwardly quoting "go[...] off the rails", use "go "off the rails"" or paraphrase.
    •  Done
  • Italicize "IGN" and specify that it is IGN Hungary.
    •  Done
  • "ProSieben" is a TV channel; the review is from "ProSieben Games", the games division.
    •  Done
  • Fix ambiguity: "as well as their voice actors' portrayal" -> "as well as their voice actors' performances".
  • Try to avoid repeating "Nicole and Irving"; it appears four times within five sentences.
    •  Done
Awards
  • When a game is nominated but does not win, it is rather obvious that it lost. Suggested rewrite:
    "The Suicide of Rachel Foster was nominated for "Best Italian Game" at the Italian Video Game Awards in 2020,[27][28] and at the TGM Awards 2020 in the categories "Dynamic Adventure" and "Tell Me a Story".[29][30] At the 2021 DStars awards, the game won "Game of the Year".[31]
  •  Done.
References
Other

@PanagiotisZois: Above is my initial review. I will hold off on reviewing the Plot section for now as the required reduction will already incur some copyediting. Feel free to strike through completed points and to reply to individual comments if required. Regards, IceWelder [✉] 10:36, 15 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

@PanagiotisZois: Sorry for the ping, but the article hasn't seen any changes in a week. Ludoyo has seemingly handled some of the points on your behalf, though quite a few remain. I'm not in a rush to close this but would like to know whether it is still being worked on. IceWelder [✉] 10:58, 25 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]
This period is a bit hectic. I'll see if I can do any further changes in the next few days, but I probably won't be able to until after 5 September. PanagiotisZois (talk) 12:24, 25 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

@IceWelder: All right, I think I'm done with everything. --PanagiotisZois (talk) 21:43, 7 September 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for all your work. The only thing I didn't see addressed was the official title of Azara ("Head of Games of 101%", where 101% appears to be a separate company), One-O-One's connection to 101%, and the involvement of Reddoll and Alphaomega Group. However, this is very far from being a stumbling block, which is why I am  passing the article. Regards, IceWelder [✉] 12:40, 8 September 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Thank you for your patience! Regarding the studios, from my understanding based on this source, One-O-One Games is the gaming division of 101% and Reddoll. I think. Not quite sure where Alphaomega Group fits. --PanagiotisZois (talk) 12:55, 8 September 2022 (UTC)[reply]
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