Talk:Princess Crown/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: TarkusAB (talk · contribs) 16:28, 22 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I will do this one soon. TarkusAB^talk 16:28, 22 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Maybe it's just me, but I can't follow the plot. I say maybe it's just me because I typically have a hard time trying to follow any of these RPG plots. I feel there's too many names and it follows a "this happened then this happened" flow which comes off more like a retelling of the story than an explanation of it, which would be more helpful. Since I am bad at reading plots, I won't require any changes to be made to it. But keep in mind if you ever want to take this article further, it should probably be entirely rewritten and shortened. I also placed a [Who] tag in there because I didn't know who "her" was.
I've slashed it. But yes, it's that messy.
So much better.
"but the project ran into difficulties the following year when the company went bankrupt" - Who went bankrupt? I presumed Atlus because you said it at the beginning of the dev section, but a few sentences after this one you say "the company" approached Atlus for funding. Who is "the company?" Was Kamitami's company independent at first? I'm having trouble following the history of when they were independent versus an Atlus or Sega subsidiary. May require some reorg in this section.
"they were in the middle of negotiations for a possible merger with Bandai and declined to fund the project." Sega was in talks to merge with Bandai? I didn't know that was ever a thought, just verifying that is correct.
The merger was being negotiated, but didn't happen.
"in addition to following the trends of the company he initially worked for. " What is meant by this? That the company he initially worked for also preferred female leads? What company was that?
"Atlus tried to have the game's title change to avoid confusion, but the team were adamant about retaining the title due to its relevance to the story." So according to this, it sounds like they fought and were successful to keep the title Book of Sorcery, but obviously the game ended up being titled Princess Crown. The abandoning of the Book of Sorcery name should be mentioned.
"In a preview of the game, 1UP.com noted that while Atlus was looking into bringing the game overseas, Sony's content approval policy might make localization efforts problematic." I don't like the future tense in the last part of the sentence. How about: Sony's content approval policy appeared like it would make localization efforts problematic.
"Financial losses were compounded by the bankruptcy of its previous developer." Replace "its previous developer" with the name of the company.
"Both Gantayat—writing for IGN—and 1UP.com" Both Gantayat and who...?
Could probably add the original official site to external links: [1]
I also made minor changes as I read through. Please review and revert if needed.

Good overall, my main concern is with the company names/dev history. Was hard to follow who Kamitani was employed by, who was the primary developer (if any company), etc. Although now as I read the lead, I see the company was unnamed. Perhaps that should be made more clear in the body, and that might clear it up. And if the company was unnamed...is it possible that maybe it wasn't a company at all? Just him and his buds? Maybe you could say it started as a hobby project, just guessing here. TarkusAB^talk 02:03, 25 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

@TarkusAB: I've completely rearranged the development section to make the narrative flow better. And yes, it was an unnamed video game development company (not an indie or doujin group), and unless someone specifically asks Kamitani for the name and he remembers it they will remain unidentified. I've looked everywhere about for a name without success. As to your other points, I've done my best to address them and also adjusted the prose for clarity on some points. --ProtoDrake (talk) 08:03, 25 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Development section and plot are so much better now. Nice job. Pass. TarkusAB^talk 01:41, 27 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]