Talk:Pilot (Hawaii Five-0)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Glimmer721 (talk · contribs) 02:08, 2 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments:

"Kurtzman and Orci were approached, but were originally hesitant to participate in the project, but were impressed with Lenkov's pitch." Reword: "Kurtzman and Orci were approached; while originally hesitant to participate in the project, they were impressed with Lenkov's pitch."
Maybe elaborate on "Live+7"...I would suggest "Live+7 day" or something similar.
Is Victor Hesse's brother or McGarrett's? The current wording suggests the latter.
"At the end of the episode, the new team settle into their new office space, and argue about what to call their new unit." Do they decide on "Five-O" by the end of the episode?
"...when CBS commissioned a sequel starring Gary Busey and Russell Wong as the main characters..." Considering there are four main characters (though I assume it's McGarrett and Danno), it would be best to specifiy who.

But the sources don't specify who they play. Also it is mentioned that the guy who played Danno in the original series has since turned to a governer in the proposed sequel. -- Matthew RD 18:30, 3 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"re-imagined" → "reimagined"
"The pilot episode of the original series already established the Five-0 task force..." Question: is it supposed to be "Five-O" or "Five-0"? I knew the old one was "O" and this is "0", or at least for the show's title. I'd go with the former as the setence refers to the original series.
"Lenkov also included the return of an iconic catch phrase from the original series; "Book 'em, Danno," and wanted to make the line work the first time." What does "make the line work the first time" mean?

I don't think the source elaborated. -- Matthew RD 18:30, 3 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Link read-through.
Maybe mention Park's character on Battlestar Galactica and link apropriately.
Link "the eleventh hour" as it is a figure of speech.
"...viewers could still make out the top of her head in the final episode." Original I thought "final episode" meant the final episode of the season, so maybe it should be changed to "finished episode".
"though the scenes in which Kono does surf" → "though the scenes in which Kono surfs"
Explain who Jack Lord is. ("The car was in fact used on the original show and was on loan to the production staff by its owner, who was the stand-in for Jack Lord, the original McGarrett.")
The cut scenes with Manning should probably be awknowledged in the "Post-production" section, though this should be done without being redundant. Maybe say in the casting section, "In February 2010, Taryn Manning was cast as McGarrett's sister, Mary Ann, who was originally intended to appear at her father's funeral. However, her scenes were cut." Then in the "Post-production" mention that they were cut, but you can still see the top of her head.
Not sure the figures for Castle and Chase are important; just mention Five-0 beat those premieres.
"eighth season premiere of CSI: Miami" → "eighth season premiere of CSI: Miami"
Again, explain that the 7 in Live+7 is referring to 7 days after broadcast

Excellent article about a series I enjoy. Putting on hold for 7 days while the issues are addressed. Glimmer721 ^talk 03:18, 3 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review, I believed I fixed things. -- Matthew RD 18:30, 3 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Looks great. I just removed the "but wanted to make it work the first time" as that really does not make much sense. Glimmer721 ^talk 22:45, 3 March 2012 (UTC)[reply]