Talk:Na Lani ʻEhā/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: No Great Shaker (talk · contribs) 05:57, 13 October 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Starting review. Hope to have some feedback soon. No Great Shaker (talk) 05:57, 13 October 2020 (UTC)[reply]

@Maile66: Pinging to be on the lookout as well. KAVEBEAR (talk) 06:16, 13 October 2020 (UTC)[reply]

GACR#1a. Well written: the prose is clear, concise and understandable.
GACR#1a. Well written: the spelling and grammar are correct.
GACR#1b. Complies with the MOS guidelines for lead sections.
GACR#1b. Complies with the MOS guidelines for article structure and layout.
GACR#1b. Complies with the MOS guidelines for words to watch.
GACR#1b. Complies with the MOS guidelines for writing about fiction – not applicable.
GACR#1b. Complies with the MOS guidelines for list incorporation.
GACR#2a. Contains a list of all references in accordance with the layout style guideline.
GACR#2b. All statements are verifiable with inline citations provided.
GACR#2b. All inline citations are from reliable sources, etc.
GACR#2b. All quotations are cited and their usage complies with MOS guidelines.
GACR#2c. No original research.
GACR#2d. No copyright violations or plagiarism.
GACR#3. Broad in its coverage but within scope and in summary style.
GACR#4. Neutral (NPOV).
GACR#5. Stable.
GACR#6a. Images are at least fair use and do not breach copyright.
GACR#6b. Images are relevant to the topic with appropriate captions.

I'll be using the checklist above to register progress. No Great Shaker (talk) 06:08, 13 October 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Comments and questions

There is nothing in the lead to indicate the period when the four were active so I would include their dates after each name in the first sentence.

Done by reviewer.

Likelike is overlinked in the lead.

Changed.

Terms like glee club and hula should be linked in the lead and on first use in the narrative.

Changed.

He was believed to have been one of the most talented of the family. As there were only four, "one of" looks out of place. Unless he was widely recognised as THE most talented, I would remove the entire sentence.

Changed.

Use of religious conservatives in the lead may not be the correct terminology because the Presbyterians and whatnot only arrived half a century earlier. A "conservative" is something long-standing so maybe a word like "bigots", "zealots", "reactionaries" or similar would be better.

Changed.

After her ascension to the throne upon her brother's death. Again, the year (1891) would be useful here for the sense of period.

Changed.

In the terminology section (which is very useful, btw), link "lani" to Lani (heaven) and "akua" to Atua.

Changed.

The two entries in the table with links to lists were confusing at first sight without sentence breaks and something like a "see also" is useful.

Is this just a comment?

No need for commas in "one newspaper to call him, Honolulu's Beau Brummell" or in "celebrated Hawaiian culture, was at".

Changed.

Is "luau" the same as lūʻau? If so, it should be written Hawaiian style and linked.

Changed.

His actions inspired the reawakening of Hawaiian pride and nationalism for the kingdom. "For the kingdom" is unnecessary because of "Hawaiian" so best to end the sentence after "nationalism".

Changed.

Italicised aka.

Changed.

Link "meles" to Mele (Hawaiian term).

Changed.

Link Joseph Dwight Strong.

Changed.

As you have linked ukulele, same needed for all instruments (e.g., guitar).

Seem others are more common terms.

In the Kaohuokalani Singing Club section, merge the two paragraphs as the second is a single sentence.

Changed.

"His star performer" should be: "The star performer".

Changed.

"Upon the king's 1891 death" should be: "Upon the king's death in 1891".

Changed.

Add (1844–1929) after Berger's name in the mentorship section.

Changed.

Add (Hawaii's Own) after "The song later became Hawaii's anthem "Hawaiʻi Ponoʻī".

Changed.

Berger became a historian for traditional Hawaiian music of its day. Should that be "his day"? If not, end the sentence after "music".

Changed.

"Their aggregate body". Change to "The siblings' aggregate body".

Changed.

Need a citation, probably the Troutman one again, after "numerous groups throughout the kingdom".

Changed.

On hold

I think this is nearly there as the comments above are generally about tying up loose ends, especially things like linkage. I'm placing the review on hold for seven days. Please let me know when you have finished updating and I'll be happy to read it again. It's a very interesting article and heartening to know that Hawaiian culture overcame religious dogma and prejudice. No Great Shaker (talk) 04:23, 17 October 2020 (UTC)[reply]

@No Great Shaker and Maile66: Addressed everything. KAVEBEAR (talk) 06:52, 19 October 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Passed

I just needed to add the dates in the lead. This is good to go now so I'm promoting it. No Great Shaker (talk) 09:45, 19 October 2020 (UTC)[reply]