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Talk:James Oglethorpe Monument/GA1

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GA Review

[edit]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Eddie891 (talk · contribs) 18:57, 4 December 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Will review shortly. Eddie891 Talk Work 18:57, 4 December 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Prose
  • The lede could be expanded
    • Expanded lede with additional background on Oglethorpe and the monument, drawn from the body of the article.
  • Liking to soldier and, to a lesser extent, philanthropist, is probably overlinking
    • Delinked both those words.
  • The charter was technically granted to the Georgia trustees, not Othelthorpe
  • n November of that year, Oglethorpe and a group of over a hundred people set sail from England to colonize the new province, and on February 12 of the next year to eliminate "that year[. . . ] of the next year", you should probably go with February 12, 1733
    • Done.
  • "and in 1742, he lead the colony's defenses during the Spanish invasion of Georgia during the War of Jenkins' Ear. O" -> "he led"
    • Done.
  • If you take a look at James_Oglethorpe#War_of_Jenkins'_Ear (written by me), it becomes clearly that Oglethorpe did not just lead the colony during the spanish invasion, but hroughout the war. It'd also be great if you could specify the year that oglethorpe returned to the UK
    • Did a fairly extensive edit to this section as a whole, which I believe addresses your concerns and adds information on Oglethorpe's military actions.
  • section titled 'Efforts towards the monument's erection' could probably be 'erection', even if it's less accurate it's more concise.
    • Done.
    • the two paragraphs in that section should probably be split into shorter paragraphs
      • Split the two paragraphs into three paragraphs.
  • The association held its first meeting on November 28 of the following year, with the purpose of the association being to raise funds and coordinate efforts between the four groups for the creation of a monument honoring Oglethorpe in Savannah. I think the purpose of the organization should come earlier in the paragaph, particularly because it isn't limited to the first meeting
    • Reorganized first paragraph, putting the purpose closer to the beginning.
  • the resolution passed through the appropriations committee that recommended "the resolution [...] that recommended" clash, I think maybe "a resolution [...] that recommended" or "the resolution [...] recommending"
    • Changed, went with your "recommending" option.
  • The resolution experienced a rough passage through the General Assembly, being voted down and reconsidered several times into the next year Why not simply The resolution was voted down and reconsidered several times into the next year in the General Assembly?
    • Changed.
  • was subsequently approved by the Georgia State Senate two days later. you can and probably should nix subsequently
    • Done.
  • The amendment added to the resolution -> "an amendment to the resolution on DATE" or something similar?
    • Added date, slight rephrasing.
  • The state government stipulated in the law or somewhere else?
    • Slight rephrasing here, but the source provided does not specify.
  • no need to capitalize "Fall 1906", afaik. Ideally you would be more specific than that because seasons vary based on where the reader lives
    • Decapitalized.
  • "who at the time was associated " what does 'associated' mean here?
    • Not sure the best way to rephrase this, as the source says, "... Mr. Daniel Chester French, who associated with him Mr. Henry Bacon ...".
  • "French would design" -> "designed"?
    • Done.
  • extensively researched portraits of Oglethorpe to ensure an accurate portrayal can you change that to "drew on many portraits of Oglethorpe..." or does that change the meaning too much, do you think?
    • Yeah, I can change it to what you're saying here.
  • "n the form of a marble bench." How is it relevant to this article?
    • if you keep it, In the meantime, in 1906, the Colonial Dames erected another monument to Oglethorpe in the form of a marble bench. The location of the bench is approximately where Oglethorpe pitched his tent after first arriving at Yamacraw Bluff. -> In 1906, the Colonial Dames erected a marble bench honoring Oglethorpe approximately on the site where Oglethorpe pitched his tent after first arriving at Yamacraw Bluff.?
    • If you keep it, it needs to be clarified what monument "in additional funding for the monument," refers to
    • Decided to remove that whole section from this article.
  • "by the combined flags of Georgia and England" What does this mean?
    • Removed "combined" from that sentence to clarify.
  • Can you specify how many people attended the ceremony?
    • Unfortunately, the source provided only goes as far as to say "thousands of citizens", nothing really more precise.
  • "f the commission lead Brown " I think 'led'?
    • Done.
  • "president of the Society of Colonial Dames of America " does she have a name?
    • Added name.
  • "contemporary military uniform of the time period," of what time period?
    • Specified with actual time period.
  • "complete with a cuirass, waistcoat, boots, and a tricorn hat." -> "including a" ?
    • Done.
  • "symbolizing the threat of Spain’s imperial ambitions to the young colony." who is being quoted here?
    • Specified the quoted.
  • Be cognizant of MOS:SANDWICHING, I think some of the images could be be moved around or put in a gallery
    • Moved the images slightly and removed one from the article.
  • "respectively, Oglethorpe's personal coat of arms and the seals of the state of Georgia, the colony of Georgia, and the city of Savannah" what does respectively refer to? Does each lion hold all four symbols?
    • Removed "respectively".
Images
Sources
  • are well formatted, reliable, etc. for the most part
    • it was opined at this RSN discussion that "he quality of books published through Arcadia is essentially the same as if they were self-published" and here that ""Arcadia Publishing" and "academic source" have a very tenuous relationship. Some of their stuff is excellent; some complete crap." What makes Triplett's book a RS. I'd like to see it replaced.
    • Replaced Triplett source with Komanecky source.
Spotcheck
  • Is mostly good, reveals no major concerns with close paraphrasing
    • 1d, the text "At his feet is a palmetto frond" is a direct life from the source. While I am well aware of WP:LIMITED, could you mix up the phrasing?
      • Rephrased the sentence slightly.

Overall

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very nice work, most of my comments are minor suggestions that you shouldn't feel obligated to enact. Placing on hold. Eddie891 Talk Work 00:06, 5 December 2020 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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