"The straightforward definition of international emergency medicine..." Why "straightforward"? Everything written on Wikipedia should be straightforward in its presentation. What is needed here is the most commonly accepted definition of IEM.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:10, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Included in those nations are some that are otherwise quite developed but lack a complete emergency medical system." Such as?
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 19:24, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"As the researchers Razzak and Kellermann identify" This phrase can and should be cut. The findings presented in this paragraph are obviously factual.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:12, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"These are conditions that potentially threaten the lives of those who are afflicted by them and yet adequate and/or timely treatment may not be available for much of the world's population." Clunky phrasing which can be shortened. Try this: "These are potentially life-threatening conditions, and yet effective treatment is often unavailable for much of the world's population."
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:17, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"For instance, a 2008 study of anesthesia, intensive care medicine, emergency medicine, and pain therapy in Zambia published by the International Anesthesia Research Society found that only 50 percent of hospitals had an emergency medical system that transported patients." The finding has nothing to do with most of the study items listed. As such, the list should be shortened: "For instance, a 2008 study of medical systems in Zambia published by the International Anesthesia Research Society found that only 50 percent of hospitals had an emergency medical system that transported patients."
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:20, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Of course, emergency medicine also improves public health..." Never use "of course". See MOS:OPED for details.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:21, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Simply put, the Anglo-American..." Cut "simply put". It does not improve the sentence in any way.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:22, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
I see an Anglo-American model and a Franco-German model. Does Asia not exist?
- Well, yes, Asia does exists, but as far as I can tell there is no Asia model of emergency medicine. A quick search on PubMed and Google for "asia model" or "asian model" will give you nothing pertinent. Source 1 of the International emergency medicine article says that China, Hong Kong, Japan, the Philippines, South Korea, and Taiwan use the Anglo-American model, so I guess you could say that the Anglo-American model is the Asian model.
- One method of clarifying this point would be to split the sentence in two, then highlight a few countries that use each model: The Anglo-American model (used in such countries as X, Y, and Z) relies on "bringing the patient to the hospital". The Franco-German model (used in such countries as ع, Ҩ, and פ) operates through "bringing the hospital to the patient." Another option would be to simply add a sentence later in the paragraph summarizing what you said above. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 01:33, 14 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 03:03, 14 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"The use of these descriptors for emergency medical systems has been criticized as an oversimplification and a needless source of controversy." A contentious claim such as this should be immediately followed by a citation.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 22:15, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"For instance, a cost-benefit analysis found that creating an EMS system in Kuala Lumpur that met U.S. standards for cardiac arrest response ... would cost $2.5 million and only save four neurologically intact lives." Two problems: First, the symbol "$" is not enough to unambiguously identify the currency being used. Presumably this should read "US$2.5 million". See WP:CURRENCY for details. Second, four lives per what? Per year?
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:50, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Elements of both of the major conventional models have been incorporated with the EMS system following French influences and being staffed by physicians while an American approach to emergency medical residency training is also present." Read this sentence out loud. Pause only when you see a comma or period. See the problem?
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:53, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"within many emergency medicine residences" Should this say "within many emergency medicine residencies"?
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:25, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"practiced-based learning" Presumably this should say "practice-based", which would make much more sense.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:26, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Indeed, the breadth of skills..." Cut "indeed". This is an encyclopedia article, not an essay for a college writing course.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:28, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Indeed, the breadth of skills needed in international emergency medicine make it unlikely that one standardized program could fulfill the training needs for all of the various future tasks in international emergency medicine." This can be shortened: "Indeed, the breadth of skills needed in international emergency medicine make it unlikely that one standardized program could fulfill the training needs for every scenario."
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:29, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"the primary topical areas" Do you mean "topic areas" or "topical areas"? The two have different meanings.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 20:01, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Such exchanges can work both ways, however, as the fact that 23 to 28 percent of all physicians in Australia, the United States, the United Kingdom and Canada received their training at international medical schools suggests." Yikes, this one is a doozy. How about this: "Such exchanges can be mutually beneficial; 23 to 28 percent of all physicians in Australia, the United States, the United Kingdom and Canada received their training at international medical schools."
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:32, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"They are attempting to establish effective systems" Unclear time reference. See WP:PRECISELANG.
- Is that better?
"Given the relatively young nature of emergency medicine as a specialty globally, as of the mid-2000s there were only a few advanced emergency medical systems and a far greater number of nations (50+) that were in the process of developing those systems." I'm sorry, but I really don't understand what information this sentence is trying to convey. Think about the point that you were hoping to make here, imagine how you would relate it to someone verbally, and then write that instead.
- Is that better? AmericanLemming (talk) 18:58, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- I don't see much of a difference. After rereading, I think I've isolated the problem: The sentence is of the form "Given X, Y" or more simply "X implies Y". However, X and Y appear to be equivalent, so the use of this construction just causes confusion. I suggest simply cutting out the first clause.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 02:46, 14 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"The process of development has been described as usually beginning in academia and patient care before burgeoning out to administrative and economic concerns and finally health policy and agendas." The "has been described" construction makes this sentence really awkward. Also, burgeoning? Really? The goal is to convey information in a way that anyone can understand it. SAT vocab words should only be used when not suitable alternative can be found. Try this instead: "The process of development usually begins in academia and patient care, followed by administrative and economic concerns, and finally health policy and agendas."
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:34, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Given the limited resources of many developing nations a vital part of how emergency medicine fits into the health system is how to fund it." I know you don't believe in commas, but they can really help. Also, avoid "how to", as it sounds like a how-to guide (seriously). "Given the limited resources of many developing nations, a vital part of how emergency medicine fits into the health system is how it is funded."
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:35, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"This is a particular problem for a nation like Zambia" The problem with the phrase "a nation like Zambia" is that is does not explicitly clarify which characteristic of the nation is relevant. Better: "This is a particular problem for poorer nations such as Zambia," Notice the comma. Believe in the commas.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:37, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"Despite the myriad differences in the contexts of counties" This whole paragraph is in need of help, but before I try to dissect it, it is important for me to know this: is "counties" a typo for "countries"?
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 18:40, 12 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- I tweaked the phrasing a bit. You dig it? --Cryptic C62 · Talk 01:33, 14 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- I think that your phrasing is much clearer and more accessible than mine. The only thing I might change is removing the "may." I think it weakens the effect of the sentence. AmericanLemming (talk) 02:43, 14 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- A fair point, done. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 12:52, 18 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
(History) "Emergency medicine is a relatively young specialty that was first developed in the United States in the 1960s." Stating that it is "relatively young" is bad for two reasons: First, it's redundant, as the sentence gives a more precise timeframe later. Second, it does not employ precise language.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 06:53, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"it was the high number of traffic and other accident fatalities in the 1960s that spurred a white paper" Avoid the passive voice. Try this: "the high number of traffic and other accident fatalities in the 1960s spurred a white paper" see the difference?
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 06:56, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"[various countries] followed suit shortly thereafter" Avoid colloquialisms, as they are unlikely to be understood by non-native readers.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 07:04, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"International emergency medicine conferences had been launched in the previous decade" It is entirely unclear what "the previous decade" refers to. 60s, 70s, or 80s? No idea.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 07:05, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Err, I don't see any change. Perhaps an edit was dreamed? --Cryptic C62 · Talk 02:20, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Look at the last sentence of the paragraph. I believe it reads "International emergency medicine conferences had been launched in the 1980s, and national emergency medicine organizations began increasing their support for the development of the speciality in other countries." I think you might have missed it. If that's not what it says, though, do let me know. AmericanLemming (talk) 03:39, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Ah, butts, my mistake. I was looking at a similar sentence a bit later on: "Moreover, several international emergency medicine conferences had been launched in the past decade". I'm not sure how I missed this earlier, but this sentence seems very redundant with the sentence highlighted above. I think the first instance of this sentence cloning could be removed, as it seems somewhat misplaced the (non-international) Emergency medicine section. --Cryptic C62 · Talk 03:53, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Done Is that better? AmericanLemming (talk) 04:11, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"By the early 1990s, the emergency medicine systems in these six countries were largely mature" The meaning of "these six countries" is clear if it is used in the same paragraph in which the countries were introduced. The meaning becomes less obvious if it is used in a different paragraph, and even less obvious if it is used in a different section. In particular, the first sentence of a section should give the reader enough context without forcing them to hunt upwards for missing information.
- Done AmericanLemming (talk) 07:08, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"leading some of the practitioners of emergency medicine in those countries "to turn their attention to developing the specialty in other countries." " Why does this sentence end with a direct quote? This is a pet peeve of mine. I am of the belief that direct quotes should only be used when there is a compelling reason to do so, and I can think of no reason that applies here.
- Done I have attempted to paraphrase the quote. AmericanLemming (talk) 07:11, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"international emergency medicine as a subspecialty was born" It wasn't born. It's not a mammal.
- Done Hopefully I'll eventually learn to avoid using idioms and the like on Wikipedia. AmericanLemming (talk) 07:13, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- "There were several reasons for the heightened interest in developing emergency medicine in other countries. One was the example given by countries with mature emergency medical systems, particularly the United States and the United Kingdom." I don't follow this at all. How is the second sentence one of the several reasons referred to in the first sentence?
- I think that I understand the reason for your confusion. The first sentence of that paragraph (if that's what your talking about, which I think you are) refers to the fact that since emergency medical systems were mature by the 1990s, the practitioners of emergency medicine in those countries were able to turn their attention from developing emergency medicine as a speciality in their respective countries to other countries. The second sentence, while still referring to the mature emergency medical systems in those countries, focuses on the fact that the demonstrated success of these emergency medical systems led health policy leaders, as well as the general public, in countries without these developed emergency medical systems to think that attempting to develop such systems would be worthwhile.
- In short, while both sentences are about mature emergency medical systems,
- the first sentence is about the impact those systems had on health policy makers and health professionals in the countries with mature emergency medical systems
- the second sentence is about the impact those systems had on health policy makers and health professionals in the countries without mature emergency medical systems
- Of course, it's entirely possible that I don't understand your question, either. AmericanLemming (talk) 07:33, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"the collapse of communism in Eastern Europe, which paved the way for new ideas" The collapse of communism was not a construction worker or a steamroller. As such, there was no paving. (Avoid colloquialisms)
- Done Yep. Here's another one. AmericanLemming (talk) 07:18, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"And the aging population in many countries has" Sentences should not begin with "and".
- Done Again, one day I'll train myself to think literally... AmericanLemming (talk) 07:15, 21 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Development organizations ... "help other countries establish and develop emergency care systems." They provide "ongoing educational and organizational assistance." The first quote can easily be paraphrased. The second quote seems like such a wishy-washy yes-man phrase that it should be kept as a quote, but why is it a separate sentence? Development organizations ... help establish and develop emergency care systems in other countries by providing "ongoing educational and organizational assistance."
- Done I think you're better at writing articles than I am. AmericanLemming (talk) 03:43, 31 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Nonsense. It takes two sets of eyeballs to get write the most goodly. --Cryptic C62 · Talk
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