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Talk:Fatima Massaquoi/GA1

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Reviewer: Dr. Blofeld (talk · contribs) 15:17, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]


  • Was she born in 1904 or 1912? Box says differently from lede.
One of those blasted cases where secondary sources differ from her own account. SHE says she was born in 1904. I have corrected the lede.  Done SusunW (talk) 16:49, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "After completing her education in the United States, in 1946 she returned to Liberia, where she contributed much to the cultural and social life of the country through her active career at the national university and her establishment of related cultural institutions." -a bit long, is there a link for the national university too?
I've shortened it to say "she returned to Liberia in 1946, where she contributed much to the cultural and social life of the country." The link to the university is further down, where I think it is more important.  Done SusunW (talk) 17:00, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • IMO too much detail the circumstances of her education in the lede, and where I'd really want to know (the American universities she studied at) you don't mention them. Perhaps shorten to "In 1922 she accompanied her father to Hamburg, Germany, where she completed her studies in medicine at the University of Hamburg in 1937. She moved to the United States for further education, studying sociology and anthropology at xxx. While in the US, she collaborated on a dictionary of the Vai language and wrote her autobiography, though a legal battle ensued over the rights to her story.
 Done SusunW (talk) 17:00, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Serving as director and then dean of the Liberal Arts College, Massaquoi was committed to cultural preservation and expansion. " -do you mean at the college or in the general country? Perhaps add "national" before cultural if so.
 Done SusunW (talk) 17:00, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Serving as director and then dean of the Liberal Arts College, Massaquoi was committed to cultural preservation and expansion. She was the founding director of the Institute of African Studies, co-founded the Society of Liberian Authors, helped abolish the practice of usurping African names for Westernized versions, and worked towards standardization of the Vai script." -i would reword to: Committed to national cultural preservation and expansion, Massaquoi served as the then dean of the Liberal Arts College, and was the founding director of the Institute of African Studies. She co-founded the Society of Liberian Authors, helped abolish the practice of usurping African names for Westernized versions, and worked towards standardization of the Vai script."
Only changed to say director, later dean,  Done SusunW (talk) 17:00, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Early life
  • In the lede you say her father became Liberia's consul general in Hamburg, but in the body you say it was her grandfather.
That somehow got discombobulated when the first and second sentences were switched. It was her father. Fixed it.  Done SusunW (talk) 17:29, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • link Garwula District and Grand Cape Mount County.
 Done SusunW (talk) 17:29, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • " This caused her considerable pain, hampering her ability to play the violin, although she later became a highly competent player" -not clear if this was terminal or just temporary.
The pain was temporary, the damage was permanent. I have added to the information.  Done SusunW (talk) 17:29, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Julia C. Emery Hall, attached to the the Bromley Mission in Montserrado County.[6]" -what town was this?
Clay-Ashland found a reference and linked.  Done SusunW (talk) 17:29, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Her father", "her nephew", as I've said previously, avoid starting new paragraphs with "her"
Changed it to his name  Done SusunW (talk) 17:29, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "She went with him to Hamburg in 1922, where she lived at the consulate at 22 Johnsallee and received her primary school education at St. Anschar Höhere Mädchenschule, quickly mastering German.[6]" -new sentence before "received".
Changed it to read " She went with him to Hamburg in 1922, where she lived at the consulate at 22 Johnsallee. Receiving her primary school education at St. Anschar Höhere Mädchenschule, Massaquoi quickly mastered German."  Done SusunW (talk) 17:37, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "attending the Helen Lange Schule where " -add comma before "where"
 Done SusunW (talk) 17:37, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "and then went on to study medicine" -new sentence, "She went on to study...
 Done SusunW (talk) 17:37, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Hans J. Massaquoi who was in Hamburg during the same period " -two commas needed
Changed to read "Hans J. Massaquoi, her nephew, who was in Hamburg during the same period..."  Done SusunW (talk) 17:37, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Link Nazi in first instance, not second, delink the second.
 Done SusunW (talk) 17:37, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
US
  • In 1937 she -ditto
Not sure what you meant here, but have changed the sentence to state "Massaquoi arrived that same year in the United States and experienced the racial segregation and Jim Crow laws of the Southern States."  Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Link Vai language
 Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "She had agreed to accept the fellowship as a linguistic advisor, after her father died in 1938.[20]" -not sure why the past perfect tense is used here.
 Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Always avoid things like "In fact"
 Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Presumably this music teaching was also at Fisk?
Yes, fixed.  Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "In a letter dated 22 February 1944, Watkins writes that he encouraged her to write the "story of her life as a tribal child, in contact with and reaction to European culture as represented in Monrovia and the mission school, life and education in Germany and Switzerland; life in America".[17] Massaquoi finished writing the work in 1940, but was told that the English needed editing." -strange quote and context to use it. I wouldn't quote this personally and find a way to reword/paraphrase the whole thing, especially as the chronology is off. I would say something like, In 1940, Massaqoi finished writing an autobiogrpahical account of her early life as a tribal child, and life experiences with Europeans and education in Germany and Switzerland. Watkins later claimed in a 1944 letter that she had written the account upon his insistence."
I've reworked the section for better chronology and incorporated your suggestions.  Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "attempted to get the manuscript returned," -get and returned don't work here, needs rewording
Well maybe not in British English, but in Southernese... I've amended to "When Massaquoi attempted to retrieve her manuscript"  Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Thanks to her extensive travels and education, she spoke several languages—at least eight and four tribal dialects." I think the tense isn't quite right here following on from the other sentence, perhaps add "by this time" before "she spoke"
 Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Why link Vai now, and not first instance much further up? Delink.
 Done SusunW (talk) 18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Return
  • "In 1946, the Liberian president William Tubman invited Massaquoi to return to the country to help him establish a university. She returned on 13 October 1946 and, in March 1947, became Professor of French and Science at Liberia College, later the University of Liberia. Her university career extended until 1972. She was also director (1956), then dean (1960), of the Liberal Arts College, founding director of the Institute of African Studies and cofounder of the Society of Liberian Authors.[1]" -needs a reword all this, Try "Upon the invitiation of president William Tubman, Massaquoi returned to Liberia on 13 October 1946 to help him establish a university. She became Professor of French and Science at Liberia College, later the University of Liberia, in March 1947. Her university career extended until 1972. She was also director (1956), then dean (1960), of the Liberal Arts College, founding director of the Institute of African Studies and cofounder of the Society of Liberian Authors.[1]"
I reworked it incorporating and modifying information from the next paragraph.  Done SusunW (talk) 19:01, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "During her term at the university, she" -ditto
 Done SusunW (talk) 19:01, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "She actively contributed to the cultural and social development of Liberia, not least by promoting the standardization of the Vai script at a seminar she organized in 1962.[10][25] She also founded and headed the Institute of African studies.[1]" -this doesn't flow in the second paragraph, part of it seems repeated from the above paragraph. I would find a way to reword and merge to improve flow and concision.
Moved that section to the above and reworded.  Done SusunW (talk) 19:01, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "With a view to enhancing educational developments in Liberia, in late 1963 and early 1964, she spent " -ditto
 Done SusunW (talk) 19:01, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • Isn't Monrovia already linked? If not I would probably add "in Monrovia" after Liberia College in the first paragraph
 Done SusunW (talk) 19:01, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Virginia State University" -link?
 Done SusunW (talk) 19:01, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
added "Tamba M’bayo of West Virginia University, stated: “The strengths of this autobiography could be gauged at two or more different levels. First, its down-to-heart and honest account of even the most disturbing personal experiences…Second the larger canvas of Sierra Leonean and Liberian cultural and ethno-linguistic history in which Fatima’s story is told. Rich in content and well orchestrated…” "  Done SusunW (talk) 19:48, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Awards

Always dislike bullet points for this sort of thing. I think you should probably create a Death, honors/legacy section and mention accolades and the book publishing in prose in one section.

Converted to text, added dates added quote from her final tribute.  Done SusunW (talk) 19:48, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Looks very well researched and brings to light one of those really notable unsung African heroes. Excellent job.♦ Dr. Blofeld 16:18, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Dr. Blofeld Thank you, as always for the thorough review. I believe I have addressed all of your points, though some I took some license with. Should anything further be needed, please ping me. SusunW (talk) 19:48, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]


GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

  1. Is it reasonably well written?
    A. Prose quality:
    B. MoS compliance:
  2. Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
    A. References to sources:
    B. Citation of reliable sources where necessary:
    C. No original research:
  3. Is it broad in its coverage?
    A. Major aspects:
    B. Focused:
  4. Is it neutral?
    Fair representation without bias:
  5. Is it stable?
    No edit wars, etc:
  6. Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
    A. Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales:
    B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
  7. Overall:
    Pass or Fail:

Thanks for the prompt response, excellent job everybody, another fruitful collaboration!♦ Dr. Blofeld 19:57, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks Dr. B! You are a wonder! SusunW (talk) 20:31, 13 February 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  1. ^ a b Olukoju 2006, p. 105.
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