Talk:Douglas Albert Munro/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Eddie891 (talk · contribs) 15:13, 2 March 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Sourcing

General

If you use {{Rp}} for some citations to a book or journal entry, all citations to the book need to use it, and that citation that you use {{rp}} to needs to not use the page= param as far as I know (let me know if I'm wrong on that count)
seems like a lot of citations are unnecessarily re-used. See this section, where cite #36 is re used twice with no other sources in between

Spotcheck

2g: Y
- 2j: good, see general note about page
- 2p: good, ditto above
27: Y
6a: Y (agf that the book covers some of the sentence not in this source)
- 6b: not in this source -- maybe in the other two?
33: Y
32: Y
13: Y agf that info not in #13 or #9 is in the offline source
34a:Y
- 34b: not exactly right. Only advanced one rank until they reach a certain one -- add to sentence
11: Y
18a:not ok. very close, but it doesn't say his niece was the ships sponsor, and only describes two of the three ships named after him, so I have no way to verify the other one.
- 18b: Y

Prose

military service on the eve of World War II avoid things such as 'eve' in favor of specific dates or ranges like "shortly before".
He died of gunshot at the age of 22 while using the boat he was piloting to shield from Japanese fire a landing craft filled with marines. suggest "He died of a gunshot wound during the battle while using the boat he was piloting to shield a landing craft filled with marines from Japanese fire." If you want to introduce his age here, perhaps do it when mentioning that he was tasked with the extraction because it wasn't clear to me that it was during the battle.
perhaps mention his date of death in the lede.
mention what the douglas munro march is or link it to Douglas_Albert_Munro#"Douglas_Munro_March"
If you ask me, the sections on "Father, James Munro" and "Mother, Edith Thrower Munro" are completely unnecessary, and I'd recommended removing them. The article is, after all, about Douglass Munro, not his father or mother. In place, a sentence about each would be appropriate. See WP:Summary style
Why is it necessary to mention that he was an "exceptional dancer"? It's not. Suggest removing.
Explain what a "yell king" is, as it's not explicitly mentioned in the piped article.
During this period, Munro became increasingly interested in international politics while also expressing a growing sense of isolation living in rural central Washington and a desire for a more cosmopolitan lifestyle Is this sentence necessary? maybe remove
Fondly recalling trips his family had taken to Washington's Pacific coast as a child, he decided to join a sea-going service, again, I'd say this's very unnecessary detail
By summer 1942, per MOS:SEASONS, avoid using seasons.
Munro was placed in charge of two LCTs and eight LCPLs maybe clarify what LCTs and LCPLs are.
On September 27, United States Marine Corps Lt. Colonel Chesty Puller ordered three companies of Marines to attack the flank of Japanese positions on the west side of the Matanikau River. does this action have a name? if so, add it.
A portion of the Marine landing force was spotted on a hillside, clarify who did the spotting, exactly.
who had occupied a ridge abandoned by the Marines. were they occupying it as they fired or not?
recovered the beleaguered American forces perhaps just "recovered the American forces"? Naturally they would be beleaguered, but that's unnecessary
News of the engagement at Matanikau so the first news in all the united states about the engagement was released in the Seattle Times? If not, clarify
Meanwhile, Colonel Puller had nominated Munro for the Medal of Honor. perhaps just "Colonel Puller nominated Munro for the Medal of Honor"
James Munro died in 1962 and was buried with state military honors to the right of his son at Laurel Hill Memorial Park. Edith Munro died in 1982 and was buried with federal military honors to her son's left again, the article isn't about them; perhaps shorten to a briefer sentence.
The act to designate the Coast Guard headquarters in tribute to Munro was introduced by Eleanor Holmes Norton the Delegate of the District of Columbia to the United States maybe "The act to designate the Coast Guard headquarters in tribute to Munro was introduced by the Delegate of the District of Columbia to the United States, Eleanor Holmes Norton"
an annual ceremony has been held at the gravesite: what exactly does the ceremony entail?
Once or twice it was recommended that I remove the dates of rank and incorporate them into the articles text, so I do the same to you.
thats is Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 13:46, 17 March 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Eddie891 - thanks very much for this thorough review. I'm going to be out of town for the next week, would it be okay if I addressed it the following week if you don't mind holding it for a bit longer? Chetsford (talk) 21:02, 17 March 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Chetsford, of course! I have a policy of waiting a two-three weeks after concluding comments (if the user is an established contributor) and one-two if the user is newer and may have left. Take your time in responding and remember that everything I say is a suggestion, not a necessity. I'll be around until July so if you have any questions feel free to ask here, on my talk, or via e-mail. An interesting article -- Good work and happy editing! Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 00:30, 18 March 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Eddie891 - I think I've got this entirely updated per your recommendations now, but please let me know if I missed something. Chetsford (talk) 18:58, 24 March 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Chetsford, Perhaps I can get around to it this weekend? I'm terribly busy right now... Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 01:49, 28 March 2019 (UTC)[reply]