Talk:Adrift (Lost)/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: Matthew RD 11:41, 9 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Hello, I shall conduct the review today. -- Matthew RD 11:41, 9 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

So far, I noticed all the comments from the first GA review regarding the writing were corrected, but I will go over it again myself just to make sure. Also, against the GA criteria, this is how the article fairs:

Well written: Mistakes from previous review corrected, went through it myself and there does not seem to be a problem with the production and references sections. The plot I'll deal with on notes below, so pending
Sources: All releable, sources used enough through production and reception sections. Passed
Broad in coverage: See notes below
Neutral: Pending
Stable: No edit wars over the past 30 days. Passed
Images: Both look fine, non-free image has the correct tags, free image also fine. Passed

Broadness

The main problem is that the production and reception sections together are rather short, taking up barely a screen size, not a big problem if you can't find additional information to expand on them further, but the article seems taken over by the plot section. I would like it shortened. It is already 583 words in length, 83 over the recommended 500 word-summary, and the episode does not appear to have a very complicated plot; all that happens is Michael and Sawyer are trapped in raft, argue, fight off a shark, then return to the island to see Jin running from what is assumed to be the Others. If you want tips on shortening the plot, I would be happy to provide them, and hope we should shave at least 100 words off, and tighten it to make less short paragraphs and more longer ones, maybe to three, one for flashbacks, one for raft plot, and another for hatch plot. I do apoligise if I appear to be going on and on about the plot section. I'll leave it on hold. -- Matthew RD 12:46, 9 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Reduced to 511 (though without the actor names is 493). Do you think it needs to expand the other sections? igordebraga ≠ 17:18, 9 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

If you can find more information on the other sections, then go for it, but if you can't then it's no big deal; I as a reviewer can't force more information if there isn't any. Back to the plot, here are my suggestions to trim it a little more

Let's see what happens if you merge the first three paragraphs together. Doing so would make the plot appear as if it was shorter.
Remove the statement "On their makeshift raft,"
"Shortly after, they sense a pounding under the raft, and soon a shark fin is seen. Michael blames Sawyer's bleeding wound for attracting the shark, and the two have continuous arguments." Howabout change to "Shortly after, the two notice a shark is encircling them; Michael believes the shark was attracted to Sawyer's bleeding wound."
"As they continue to float along with the current, one of the raft's pontoons appears, and they decide to board it." I feel it would be a little better if it went like "After they see one of the raft's pontoons, they decide to board it."
"finding an unconscious Kate in the computer room." to "finding her unconscious in the computer room." Kate was already mentioned earlier in the sentence.
"but fails to correctly answer the riddle that Desmond poses to him." to "but fails to correctly answer his riddle." Again, Desmond already mentioned earlier in sentence.
"Desmond orders Kate to tie Locke up, but Locke convinces Desmond that she should be tied up. When Desmond concurs, Kate is tied up instead; Locke slides her one of his knives, and locks her in a dark room." Seems quite bloatey, let's try "Desmond orders Kate to tie uo Locke, however, Locke convinces Desmond that Kate be tied up instead. Desmond agrees, and Locke slides her a knife before locking her in a dark room."
"After much struggle Kate frees herself, and turns on a light, finding herself in a large pantry filled with foodstuffs," Howabout "Kate frees herself and finds she is in a large pantry fill with foodstuffs,"
In other Lost GA/FA articles, the flashbacks are in the beginning, is there a reason tou moved it back to the end?

Because of the inverse - flashforwards finishing. And the paragraph is really short. But I'll put it at the beginning.

Sorry to burden you with yet another handful of things to do, but hopefully we can shave a few extra words off those notes. If they are done, then I hope we can pass this. -- Matthew RD 20:22, 9 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Can't find any more data for those sections, but did the Plot rewrites. igordebraga ≠ 00:04, 10 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]

That is fine, all checks out now, the article is better. Pass. Good job! -- Matthew RD 01:20, 10 March 2011 (UTC)[reply]