Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Temple Israel (Memphis, Tennessee)/archive1

SV comments that have been addressed

Some other issues:

I wonder if you need to say what "rapidly reformed services" means in the lead.
- I'm trying to indicate there that he moved them from Orthodox to Reform; is it not worth mentioning? Or is there a better way of saying it, perhaps? Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"held services in member's homes in 1853" should be members' homes.

Fixed, thanks. Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Christopher Philip Winkler, the "Dean of Memphis Musicians": who is being quoted?

Tim Sharp, Dean of Fine Arts at Rhodes College in Memphis. It's now attributed to him. Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Funds for the renovation were raised by two committees; one solicited donations from "all the Israelites in this city", while the other's task was "to receive subscriptions from Gentiles": again, who is being quoted, and is it necessary to quote?
- Those were the actual mandates of the committees, as they described them. Is there a better way of wording it? I thought it provided some insight into the mindsets of the day. Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"attendance at the at least quarterly meetings": should be "at-least-quarterly," but that would be awkward. I would tweak it so it was written differently. Or maybe "(at least) quarterly".
- Done. Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"A member could also be suspended or expelled it he acted ..." (if he acted)
- Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"they consulted with Philadelphia's Rabbi Isaac Leeser ... but also were in contact with Rabbi Isaac Mayer Wise ..." I would say consulted, not consulted with, and were also in contact with, rather than also were in contact with.
- Yes, that's better. Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
"earlier that same year --> earlier that year
- Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I'm wondering whether this is a bit long (nearly 9,000 words), but I don't know what the norm is for these articles. SlimVirgin ^{talk|contribs} 04:54, 30 November 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I'm the only one who writes synagogue FAs, which is probably a good thing. :-| It's a bit longer than my other ones, but I thought (hoped?) it would be o.k., as it's still well within the 6,000 to 10,000 word guideline. Jayjg ^(talk) 04:55, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Personally I would try to tighten it a little; it's just easier to read if it's a bit shorter. Also, I was wondering about the wisdom of repeating how much certain amounts of money would be worth today, partly because it's distracting, partly because these calculations aren't always worth much. Maybe just do it the first time to give people an idea? SlimVirgin ^{talk|contribs} 10:00, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Regarding comparative prices today, I obviously like them, but I've removed 19 of them. Regarding making it shorter, I'd be happy to, if you can suggest other things to prune, or prune it a bit yourself. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Some more comments:

(By comparison, the kosher butcher's salary was $300 per year, "independent of poultry killing".): who is being quoted?
- I was quoting the original advertisement for the butcher, but I've paraphrased it. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
An example of tightening. Instead of (83 words):

B'nai Israel hired Peres in December 1858 at an annual salary of $600 (today $15,000), with additional perquisites of $400. (By comparison, the kosher butcher's salary was $300 per year, "independent of poultry killing".) Peres's role was to lecture, lead, and teach, in both English and German, and to run the choir. Though specifically hired as a "Chazzan [cantor] and Teacher", in practical terms he was the congregation's rabbi. In addition to his other duties at B'nai Israel, Peres ran the Hebrew school." (83 words)
Try something like (48 words): "B'nai Israel hired Peres in December 1858 as cantor and teacher, in English and German, at an annual salary of $600 with perquisites of $400; by comparison, the kosher butcher's salary was $300. He also ran the Hebrew school and the choir, and was in effect the rabbi."
- Thank you, I'll use that! Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

At a congregational meeting in January 1860, the membership heard "an account of the suffering of the Jews of Morocco": who is being quoted?
- These are typically quotes from the original meeting minutes, reproduced in secondary sources, but I've paraphrased. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
creating a committee "to receive donations about the city" on their behalf: ditto
- Same, fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
I wouldn't link ordinary words not connected to the topic, such as precedent.
- Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
they consulted with Wise: consulted is better.
- Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
The position, which was advertised as paying $1,000 (today $24,000) per year, was advertised for in Wise's newspaper as a "Teacher, Preacher, and Reader": needs a tweak
- Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
they formed the Orthodox Beth El Emeth congregation in 1861[30] or 1862.[32]: I wouldn't cite each year separately; it's a very minor issue and the footnotes add clutter.
- Consolidated. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Would it be better to have the last paragraph of each section as the first para of the next, for flow? So you'd have the end of Peres at the beginning of Tuska to ease the reader into the new era. Just a suggestion.
- I looked at it, but found it a bit confusing, and sometimes difficult to separate some of the material in that way. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
rabbi for a ten year term: ten-year term.
- Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
his salary subsequently rapidly rose: either subsequently or rapidly
- Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]
late night services in mid-summer, and late afternoon services in mid-winter: late-night services and late-afternoon services
- Fixed. Jayjg ^(talk) 00:45, 3 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]

SlimVirgin ^{talk|contribs} 10:28, 2 December 2010 (UTC)[reply]