Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Rhabdomyolysis/archive1

Lead comments by Cryptic C62 · Talk 01:34, 5 June 2011 (UTC)[reply]

How is this word pronounced?
"are harmful to the kidney and may lead to kidney failure." I'm just going on my instinct here—shouldn't this say "harmful to the kidneys"?
"The severity of the symptoms, which may include ... confusion" I'm sorry, but this just seems silly to me. I picture a patient sitting there saying "Well, the other day my back started hurting real bad... and it's very confusing!" Is confusion really one of the main symptoms of such an excruciating condition? Surely there must be a more scientific term!
"The muscle damage may be caused by ... biological factors." I'm not sure what the intended meaning of "biological" is. Perhaps "hereditary"?
"The diagnosis is usually made with blood tests and urinalysis." This wrongly implies that diagnoses are always made. Suggested rephrasing: "The condition can be diagnosed using blood tests and urinalysis" or something similar.
"The mainstay of treatment is generous intravenous fluids, but could include dialysis or hemofiltration in more severe cases" The use of "could" implies that these are theoretical treatments. I suggest replacing with "may".
"The disease and its mechanisms were first fully elucidated during the Blitz of London in 1941." I have no idea what this means. Did a spine doctor just happen to notice someone getting crushed under a building and then make a brilliant deduction? Also, I am generally opposed to the use of the highly ironic word "elucidation". If you want to say "make clear", use a word whose obscurity doesn't make the sentence less clear.
As far as I can tell, the lead does not mention any information from Epidemiology or In animals. The lead should summarize every top-level section.

- Response
  - IPA added
  - Agree plural is more suitable
  - The term "mental confusion" is in widespread use, and denotes a nonspecific disturbance of cerebral function that could include anything from muddled thinking and disorientation to agitation, hallucinations, and frank delirium. The article mental confusion has been linked to assist with this; I cannot think of a better way of describing this because the mental disturbance can be highly variable
  - Referring to the table of causes, a number of biological processes can cause rhabdomyolysis, such as infections, autoimmunity, and indeed genetic causes. I may rephrase this when I have addressed Axl's and Casliber's request to restructure the table of causes. At the same time, I think "biological" captures a number of the causes.
  - I agree "may" is more appropriate than "could" here.
  - I have rephrased the reference to the historical aspects - I'm not sure if I understand what was so bad about the previous version, and a quick look at the actual history section will show how Bywaters and Beall examined victims of crush injury and experimentally confirmed how muscle injury leads to the described complications.
  - The "epidemiology" section is represented by the mention of earthquakes and the recent efforts to improve the response. I have added a sentence of rhabdomyolysis in horses in full recognition that we are probably not looking at other animals hard enough to say for certain that horses are particularly affected.
  - Thanks for your review, and I hope the changes are OK. JFW | T@lk 09:42, 5 June 2011 (UTC)[reply]