Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Clarence 13X/archive1

Addressed comments from Crisco 1492

Prose comments

• Lede is a little long, perhaps something like "His departure has been variously attributed to doctrinal disagreements, conflict with leadership, or his personal misconduct." could be changed to "for disputed reasons." or "for unclear reasons" or so on.
  • Yeah, the lead was fairly long, I cut about 100 words from it. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
• "many found entertaining and unconventional." - Any further information?
  • Now that I think about it, I was veering a bit further from Clarence's life than I should have there, so I combined that with the next sentence. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
• "the group became known as the "Five Percenters" or the "Five Percent Nation"." - You're using "Five Percenters" before this. Perhaps clarification of what they were known as before?
  • I rearranged that paragraph with the following one, hopefully it reads more clearly now. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
• "Police regularly visited the school as a precautionary measure." - Against?
  • "The white man is the devil"-type rhetoric, I believe. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
• Perhaps assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. should be assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.
  • Changed since I hadn't linked King above. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
• "In 1968, Gloria Steinem published an article about Clarence 13X in New York magazine. She blamed the NOI for the previous attempt to kill him, arguing that they were angered by his claim to be Allah and thus above Elijah Muhammad. Clarence 13X also received coverage from international media, among which was a Canadian television program." - Perhaps mention that one child here instead of above (keep it chronological)
  • I'm not sure I follow what you mean here, are you thinking about Gusavia's son? Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
    • Yeah, that's what I was thinking. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 04:33, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
      • I'm not sure it works very well there, but I'll put it there for now and let future reviewers weigh in. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:48, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
• Who is Knight?
  • He's introduced in the "Opposition" section, should I add a note anywhere else? Off topic, but he's actually a notable advocate of progressive Islam, interesting guy. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
    • Oops, yeah. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 04:33, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
• Sidney Davidoff - Any reason he's particularly quote-worthy? Good quote, I agree.
  • Explained, he was one of the mayor's right hand men. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
• I've also copyedited a bit. These are my edits.
  • No problems there. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)

Looks pretty good. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 03:19, 21 July 2012 (UTC)

• Oh yeah, did you ever get around to looking at In the Name of Allah? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 03:20, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
  • I looked into it (not literally, I haven't gotten a copy) and I don't think it would qualify as a reliable source. It's published by a leader of "The Allah Team", which is more or less a splinter group within the Five Percenter movement. They have some doctrinal differences with the mainstream Nation of Gods and Earths. So I'd be hesitant to accept the account they publish since it's more or less self-published and they may be pushing a certain slant on the origin of the movement. Mark Arsten (talk) 04:48, 21 July 2012 (UTC)
    • Okay, that's a wrap.