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The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
No consensus to promote at this time. Anotherclown (talk) 10:55, 30 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Edward Soriano

[edit]
Nominator(s): RightCowLeftCoast (talk)


I am nominating this article for A-Class review because it has been peer reviewed, expanded during the course of its GA nomination (which it has passed), and has been additionally expanded and copy edited. If there are any shortcomings I am willing to work on the article until the shortcomings are dealt with, with hopes of passing this review and moving to FAR. RightCowLeftCoast (talk) 19:05, 26 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

Modified.--RightCowLeftCoast (talk) 22:37, 10 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
  • I'm glad you're thinking about FAC and I hope this passes, but it's unusual for articles to pass FAC with a single-paragraph lead; if a single paragraph really does summarize the article, then the article is significantly shorter than most FAs and might be opposed for that reason.
  • "Born in the Philippines, Soriano moved with his family to the United States during his childhood, graduating from Salinas High School, and being commissioned as an officer through Army ROTC at San Jose State University.": Unless there's a word such as "after" or "before" in there somewhere, the present participles suggest that events happened in the same time frame, and they didn't, so: "Born in the Philippines, Soriano moved with his family to the United States and graduated from Salinas High School before being commissioned as an officer through Army ROTC at San Jose State University."
  • "Serving during Operations Desert Shield, Operation Desert Shield, and Operation Joint Endeavor, he retired in March 2005.": Same problem here with the present participle. Also, Desert Shield is mentioned twice ... if you meant Desert Storm, then better would be: "After serving in operations Desert Shield, Desert Storm and Joint Endeavor, he retired in March 2005." (The lowercase on plural "operations" isn't mandatory, but most style guides prefer it.)
  • "Additionally, he was the first Filipino American promoted to be a general officer in the United States Army.": I recommend removing this here, and adding to the first sentence: ", and the first promoted to general officer."
  • " Since retiring from the Army, Soriano has worked for Northrop Grumman, and sat on various boards of directors.": No comma, and "sat" isn't wrong, but "has sat" is usually recommended.
  • There's no prohibition on citations in the lead section at FAC, but reviewers may object to so many in such a short lead. [I'll stop there.] - Dank (push to talk) 19:30, 11 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
I have implemented your changes to the lead, please see this diff.--RightCowLeftCoast (talk) 20:42, 12 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
If a second paragraph is added to the lead, what would you suggest? The lead goes into why the subject is notable (a notable first, and a notable status within an ethnic group), the subject's early life, and career. Would the lead expand upon the subject's career into more detail?--RightCowLeftCoast (talk) 20:54, 12 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
One or two sentences per section, maybe. - Dank (push to talk) 01:01, 13 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
How about this? --RightCowLeftCoast (talk) 21:56, 13 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Looks good. - Dank (push to talk) 23:13, 13 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Is that is all that needs to be improved for the lead, or the infobox? What about the body of the article? Please let me know how I can improve the article to achieve Class-A status, and make it easier when this article reached FAC.--RightCowLeftCoast (talk) 13:58, 14 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

  • I had intended to review at GA actually - an interesting individual.
  • Worth linking operations Desert Shield etc.
  • "Since retiring from the Army, Soriano has worked for Northrop Grumman" - with a fairly short lead, you could probably afford to explain what the company is, e.g. "worked for the defense contractor, Northrop Gumman", or similar.
  • " Soriano came to the United States in the early 1950s when his father, Fred Soriano, a soldier in the United States Army, was assigned to Fort Benning, Georgia;[1] he was six when he left the Philippines." - I'm guessing from this that we know exactly when he left, rather than just the decade?
  • "Soriano's mom's name was Encarnacion." - "mother's name"
  • " San Jose State University" - worth linking
  • "is married to Vivian Guillermo, whose parents come from Laoag but was born in the United States" - I wasn't sure what this was trying to tell us about his wife (i.e. is her ethnic heritage or birth place important to the article?)
  • "Army Reserve Officers' Training Corps" - worth linking
  • Military career. It was a shame that there's not more that could be said about this; I'm guessing there are no further sources that could be used?
  • "In June 2004, as the commander of Fort Lewis, Soriano ordered the court-martial of Ryan G. Anderson,[20] who was sentenced in September 2004 to life in prison with the possibility of parole after Soriano removed the death penalty as a possible sentencing option." - what was Anderson sentenced for?
  • " In September 2004, Soriano met with Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at Malacanang,[22] who had met before during Arroyo's state visit in May 2003,[23] after being invited by General Narciso Abaya, Chief of staff of the Armed Forces of the Philippines" - "who he had met before"?
  • "List of notable Filipino American servicemembers" - is "servicemembers" a real word? (NB: it may be a US Eng variant, but I've never seen it before) Hchc2009 (talk) 18:50, 14 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
NB: I don't know if this is a reliable source, but there's some interesting additional information on him here. Hchc2009 (talk) 19:03, 14 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Here are the changes that I have made in response with the above suggestions.
Now I had done implemented some of the changes. I did not provide new wikilinks to San Jose State University and Army Reserve Officers' Training Corps. Both are already provided wikilinks in the lead section, and an additional wikilink wouldn't be abiding by WP:OVERLINK.
As for other points,
  • Yes, we would know the year which he had moved away from the Philippines, but the reference does not give an exact year, which if we added it, someone could argue WP:SYNTH or WP:OR so I am not going to add that at this time.
  • I had not found other reliable sources that give additional information of the subject's military service
  • As for information about his wife, Vivian Guillermo, it could be argued that the information is trivial. However, it also verifies that she is also a Filipino American, but differs from the subject of this article as she is an American-born Fil-Am and is a second generation.
  • Servicemember is a word, which is a more recent use rather than calling someone by the service specific common designation (Soldier, Marine, Sailor, Airman, Coast Guardsman). Please see this link.
I too saw the website which is linked above, but as it has questionable status as a reliable source I didn't utilize it. It might fall under WP:ELMAYBE.--RightCowLeftCoast (talk) 20:10, 15 June 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

I did the GA review for this article, but I see a number of good improvements have been made since then. Some comments:

  • I didn't pick it up when doing the GA review, but strictly speaking there is no need for cites in the lead (and infobox) as everything in the lead/infobox should be in the main body of the article (and cited there).
  • The lead and infobox refers to "Operation Joint Endeavor" but there is no mention of this elsewhere in the article.

That's my two cents worth. Zawed (talk) 09:50, 1 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Sorry I didn't respond sooner, real life got in the way. I made a mention of service in Bosnia, in the body of the article, with this change here. Although citations in the lead or the infobox are not necessary, per WP:CITELEAD (and given a past Class A review that sought that everything be cited), I am cautioning towards leaving the citations in the lead.
Please let me know anything else I can do with the article to improve its quality so it can meet Class-A requirements.--RightCowLeftCoast (talk) 18:25, 14 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]


Comments:

  • the main images all seem appropriately licenced. I couldn't check all the medals etc as I have a limited download, but my advice is to make sure these are good to go before nominating at FAC;
  • his date of birth should probably be added to the Early life section;
  • not sure about this: "In the 1960s, his family moved to Salinas, California, leading to Soriano graduating from Salinas High School". (specifically "leading"). Perhaps this might work better, "In the 1960s, his family moved to Salinas, California, and Soriano later attended Salinas High School".
  • this sounds awkward: "Soriano is married to Vivian Guillermo, whose parents come from Laoag but was born in the United States, and they have raised two children, Melissa and Keith". Perhaps try, "Soriano is married to Vivian Guillermo, who was born in the United States to Laoag natives. The couple have two children, Melissa and Keith."
  • "which was followed by his leadership of an anti-tank platoon in the 508th Infantry." --> "which was followed by command of an anti-tank platoon in the 508th Infantry."
  • "the army" (in Australia we would capitalise this as "the Army" (as a defacto proper noun as it is referring to a specific army), but I'm not sure about the US). I will leave it up to you to decide what is best;
  • this seems a bit awkward: "Returning to various positions in Virginia and The Pentagon, these including..." Perhaps try, "Returning to the United States, he undertook various positions in Virginia and The Pentagon, including..."
  • "force provider" seems a little jargony. What does it actually mean ("Fort Lewis units deployed to Operation Iraqi Freedom" perhaps...)
  • "In September 2004, Soriano met with Philippine President"... (where did this take place, in the US or the Philippines?
  • the capitalisation here looks a bit irregular: "the current President of the board of directors". Perhaps try, "the current president of the board of directors";
  • I wonder if it would make sense to add some mention of why he received his decorations in the Military career section. For instance, maybe you could just mention why he got the major ones. That might help expand the article a little;
  • do we know when soriano and his wife married?
  • "Chief of staff" --> this should either be "chief of staff" or "Chief of Staff"
  • inconsistent "3d Battalion" v. "3rd and Ist Infantry Divisions"
  • inconsistent "operations Desert Shield and Desert Storm" v "Operation Desert Shield and Desert Storm". Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 23:08, 20 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
    • As there hasn't been any response to these comments, I have made most of these changes myself. There are a few I can't deal with, though. I will be happy to support once these are addressed. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 11:35, 26 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]
The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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