Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Demosthenes
Demosthenes has already been peer-reviewed by fellow-Wikipedians. But I would like to have the opinions and the contributions of the project. I think this article I've rewritten has a good potential.--Yannismarou 11:02, 8 August 2006 (UTC)
Enjoyed this! I think my only critique is that it seemed to assume the reader already knows that period of history really well. Here's the things that stood out to me:
- This sentence "Athough Aeschines maintained that his Crimean mother Kleoboule was a Scythian by blood,[6] she was probably of Greek descent.[7]" seems out of context since there's no tie-in on who Aeschines is in relation to Demosthenes at this point? We later find out he was a great rival, but we don't know that at this point so I was confused when I first read this part....
- "Another time ecclesia had refused to hear him and he was going home dejected, an actor named Satyrus followed him and entered into a familiar conversation with him."[29] - there's a close quote, but no opening quote?
- "This is the reason Aeschinus taunted him and referred the nickname "Batalus", ostensibly invented by his own pedagogues[31] or by the little boys with whom he was playing" this assumes we already knew either from prior knowledge or a previous mention in this article that Aeschinus teased him. How about "This caused Aeschinus to taunt him and refer to him with the nickname "Batalus"..." I'm still confused on who Aeschinus was? Did this teasing take place when they were boys, or did he happen to know that little boys called him that when Demosthenes was a child?
- "In 348 another peculiar event " what was the first peculiar event?
- "Demosthenes is said to have collapsed" do we know why? Exhaustion? sickness?
- probably should reconstruct this sentence so you're not using the pronoun "we": "before the Theban people is not extant and, therefore, we ignore his convincing argumentation"
- "Philip drew his opponents in Chaeronea" seems confusing - he drew them into this city? or he engaged the people of this city who were his opponents?
- "Demosthenes played a leading part in his city's uprising" when was this uprising? Was it right then when you're referring to it? If so, might need a little explanation/introduction. Was it the celebration of the death? If so, it's not clear the celebration was an uprising...
- "Alexander whizzed to Boeotia" I'd used a different verb here than whizzed, since it has a slang connotation that could make this sentence kind of humorous :-) How about "rushed"?
- Also, right about here you go seamlessly from Philip's death into referring to Alexander. Might want to introduce him just a tad here, saying that he succeeded Philip as King of Macedon....Might be interesting also, in introducing him, to mention how his accession affected the Athenians, like (and I'm just making this up as I don't know anything about this time period) "In Alexander, the Athenians found a strengthened opponent" or something like that, some kind of indicator or cue for the reader in how to put Alexander in context in relation to the departed Philip's policies/personality.
- "main objections to the crowning" what's a crowning in this context? Hmm, discovered what it meant by going to the On the Crown article, so perhaps pulling just a little from there to give us ignorants some help by saying: "Ctesiphon proposed that Athens honor Demosthenes for his services to the city by presenting him, according to custom, with a golden crown"
- Harpalus: what's the implication here - was Demosthenes accused of mishandling the money? Did he take some? Reading the Harpalus article I see that he was, so you might want to say that here...
- Oratorical skill - "Demosthenes' "affects no learning; he aims at no elegance; he seeks no glaring ornaments; he rarely touches the heart with a soft or melting appeal, and when he does, it is only with an effect in which a third-rate speaker would have surpassed him. He had no wit, no humour, no vivacity, in our acceptance of these terms. The secret of his power is simple, for it lies essentially in this, that his political principles were interwoven with his very spirit."[5]" who said this? A contemporary of his or of us?
plange 01:01, 12 August 2006 (UTC)
- Thanks for the suggestions. I tried to take care of all the issues you mentioned.--Yannismarou 15:24, 17 August 2006 (UTC)