Wikipedia:Peer review/What'd I Say (song)/archive1

What'd I Say (song)

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for May 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
The article passed GA. This song in very influential in rock and roll, cited by all the stuff within. I would like to take it to FA. I have requested some materials from ILL, but I'm worried that no material will be available that gave musical critiques of the song at the time. There are three entries for Charles in the Music Index for 1959, and a few more for 1960. Everything I found on EBSCO and JSTOR is in the article already. Anything you suggest is welcome. Thanks, Moni3 (talk) 16:39, 28 May 2009 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Hi. I'm not sure I can help much on the specifics you mention above (I don't know what ILL is, even), but I have gone through the article carefully and have picked up numerous prose and general points for you to consider. Overall I found the article interesting and engaging, a definite FA in the making.

• Lead
  • Is "What I Say" a recognised alternative title? The only reference in the article to this form is in the Charles quote.
  • Punctuation: suggest a comma after "two parts" in the opening sentence
  • Second para, first sentence:
    • Suggest a link on "pop" to pop music
    • Could the close repetiton of "Charles" in the opening phrase be avoided by rewording?
    • The sentence is probably too long, could be split.
  • Could you add a date for the recording of "I Got a Woman"?
  • Again, the date of its Rolling Stones ranking would be helpful
• Background
  • nbsp: 27 years old, 300 days
  • "...where his style was similar to that of..." As this phrase presumably refers to the ten years recording for both record labels, it would read better as "...in a style similar to that of..."
  • Comma after 1954?
  • How does the Wexler quote "We didn't know shit..." etc illustrate his remembrance of the success of so many Atlantic artists? It seems too general a remark for that.
  • This phrasing: "Ertegun and Wexler found encouraging Charles was accomplished with a hands-off approach" is a bit telegraphic and reads awkwardly. Suggest a slight expansion: "Ertegun and Wexler found that a hands-off approach was the best way of encouraging Charles."
  • Suggest a flip: "Charles toured 300 days a year from 1954 into the 1960s with a seven-piece orchestra." to "From 1954 into the 1960s Charles toured for 300 days a year with a seven-piece orchestra." I think the latter version reads more smoothly and flows better into the rest of the paragraph.
  • "Charles began merging..." I would make this "In 1954, Charles began merging...", and start the next sentence "His first attempt was in the song..."
  • I'm a bit confused by the "either" in: "...based either on the melodies of Gospel standards "My Jesus Is All the World to Me" or an uptempo "I Got a Savior (Way Across Jordan)". "Either" means one and not the other; is it not possible to say which of these was the basis of "I Got a Woman"? Or is it actually both, in which case "either" should be deleted?
  • "It was the first Ray Charles record that began to get attention from white audiences..." "Began to get", or simply "got"?

• Composition and recording
  • Tense change with "Charles uses..." and later back to "Charles indicated..." I think that a consistent past tense for this paragraph is advisable, since it is an account of an historic event.
  • Additional citation necessary for the audience reaction, the feeling the room shaking etc.
  • The phrase "although it had not yet been recorded" is redundant, since you have just described the improvisation of the song
  • Comma required after "8-track recorder"
  • Punctuation suggestions: replace the semicolon after "Dowd and the producers" with a full stop. Then make the following a sentence: "A previous recording called "Money Honey" by Clyde McPhatter had been banned in Georgia; Ahmet Ertegun and Wexler released the song despite the ban, risking arrest."
• Reception: Delete first comma (after "radio stations")
• Legacy
  • "While The Beatles were developing their sound in Hamburg, they played "What'd I Say" at every show, trying to see how long they could make the song last and using the audience in the call and response, with which they found immense popularity." Needs a citation
  • Likewise: "When Mick Jagger sang for the first time with the band that would become The Rolling Stones, he performed a duet of "What'd I Say"."
  • The paragraph beginning "In the late 1950s..." has no citations at all.
  • "...used the song to the B side..." I would have thought "as the B side"
  • MOS: no spaces around mdashes
  • Penultimate para: spelling of "Raeletts" seems to have changed.

That's it. Please contact my talk page if you have any problem with my comments, and good luck with the article. Brianboulton (talk) 13:07, 8 June 2009 (UTC)