Wikipedia:Peer review/Sozin's Comet: The Final Battle/archive2

Sozin's Comet: The Final Battle

Previous peer review

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for January 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article recently failed an FAC because the prose was not up to standard. I hope that at Peer Review, I can find someone who can make a detailed analysis of the page for prose issues.

Thank you, NuclearWarfare _(Talk) 21:33, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

The prose wasn't really the main problem - although it could easily do some work. What is needed here is someone who is not familiar with the subject, who can provide places where the article makes no sense to people unfamiliar with the subject.--haha169 (talk) 00:56, 30 January 2009 (UTC)

I'm going to give this a once over shortly. First I have to read the FAC issues, then I'll do a full review. Sillyfolkboy (talk) 22:13, 1 February 2009 (UTC)

• Comments by Sillyfolkboy:

(Just for reference: I'm using Through the Looking Glass (Lost) as a way of looking for what this article is missing.)

• • First off you'll want to italicise Avatar: The Last Airbender in the middle and at the bottom of the infobox.
• Lead
  • You need to clarify what these "new episodes" were. I assume they were the final episodes of the third season? Firstly, I would put a full stop after "television series Avatar..." and move the airing info after the writers etc. This presents the finale's "chronology" in a way — that it was made by these people before it was aired. Also it prevents any ambiguity as to whether the Avatar series aired on that date or just the finale.
  • To fill out the first paragraph you could perhaps say something to the effect of "Though it was originally intended as a three-part story, the series finale was first aired in four (hour long?) episodes/parts on July 19, 2008. This represented a climax to a week of new episodes (concluding Avatar Series 3?) that was broadcast on (Nick in the US?) between (first and last dates of Avatar-a-thon)."
  • "The title is a reference to a comet, mentioned multiple times throughout the show, which has the capability of aiding the antagonist nation in its quest to gain complete control of the world." I think this sentence feels a rather awkward way of expressing that info. I think this should be put in the second "plot" part of the lead anyway.
  • Say that the finale focuses on "protagonist Aang's...".
  • Would "his moral dilemma over killing the Firelord Ozai" be better than "refusal to kill the firelord"?
  • You're switching between "Firelord", "Fire lord" and "Fire Lord" throughout this and other articles. Can you nail this down to a common term and stick to that nomenclature?
  • Fit in the title info after this, something like: "The Firelord intends to use the power of Sozin's Comet to destroy the (rival?) Earth Kingdom and gain control of the world"
  • "The two side stories show Zuko fighting an Agni Kai with his sister, Azula in order to usurp her throne and prevent any future wars being started as a result of his family and Sokka leading an attack on an armada". This sentence is a little confusing— split the stories up more clearly and be more concise: say "The two finale also contains two side stories, one of which shows Zuko challenging his sister Azula, the ruling queen, to a "[[Agna Kai|fire-duel]]" in order to prevent further wars in/between (Kingdom[s]?). The other sub-plot follows Sokka's and Toph's plan to destroy an airship armada."
  • "Increase in ratings over the previous year's like-time period". What is a like-time period? I've never come across this phrase before. I presume it means the ratings that the network got on that date the previous year? Also the use of "over" doesn't feel right. Perhaps use "in comparison to"?
  • Maybe after a character's name you should add the voice actor in brackets. This is done for drama but I'm not sure if it's right here, especially given the fact that the series may be voiced by a different person in foreign versions.
  • It needs to be stated that the finale is the conclusion of the third season, not just the series. Not sure where this can be worked in just yet though.

Most of the above should be done so far.[1] I had issues on some of them, so I figured I'd discuss it first. I am unsure if protagonist Aang should be written as "[[protagonist]] [[Aang]]" or "protagonist [[Aang]]". I have seen it done both ways before, but I am unsure what the Manual of Style says. I too am unsure about the voice actor part, so I will leave it. If someone asks at FAC, I shall add it though, but I feel that it is unnecessary. NuclearWarfare _(Talk) 03:28, 2 February 2009 (UTC)

• Plot
  • I'll give this a copyedit myself shortly. I'll raise any concerns about any possible ambiguity/missed info/in-universe problems once I've finished.

• Production
  • Maybe that director's Annie Award nomination should somehow be worked into the third paragraph of the lead.
  • Ensure that Sozin's Comet is italicised whenever it refers to the finale.
  • The linked Season 3 looks a little odd. Either change it to "season three" or "the third season"
  • "book 3" is ambiguous to someone who doesn't know what you're on about. Try season three again or perhaps put "...Book 3:Fire, the third season..."
  • Similarly, the use of "books" here is a little strange. Try sticking to talking about episodes in a season.
  • Link pacing issues with Dramatic structure
  • "the Lion Turtle was created by co-creator Bryan Konietzko". No need to restate that he's the co-creator. Wikilink Jae Woo Kim if he is notable enough to warrant his own article.
  • Move the music information into the first paragraph, along with the rest of the crew.
  • "an all-orchestrated music track": Does this mean that the music in the finale was performed by a live orchestra? Clarify this.
  • The two final paragraphs of the production section generally refer to the entire series and not the finale specifically, though the background info is useful here.
  • This section is particularly lacking in any in-depth analysis of the production schedule and process. Perhaps there are some commentaries and/or special "making of..." features on the DVDs that could help expand this section?

This aspect is most revealing in terms of the failed FAC. Indeed, the nomination was very premature. Notwithstanding a great expansion of these details, this article can't (or shouldn't) reach FA at the moment and may currently test the limits of a GA review.

Edits[2]. Most issues should be fixed. Except for the last point. I saw this problem as well, but if you see on the talk page, I didn't really know what to do about it. I do not personally own a DVD of the movie, and actually had to watch it online. But another editor who does own the DVD said the commentary had very little information that would be useful for the topic. There were perhaps three minor points that we could find at all. I shall see if I can get access to the DVD at some point and watch the commentary for myself, but I am not hopeful. Also, I wanted to ask you what you meant by "Link pacing issues with Dramatic structure"NuclearWarfare _(Talk) 03:53, 2 February 2009 (UTC)

• Reception
  • I agree with comments that further analysis and comment from the reviews can be fleshed out in this section. Though I'd be somewhat dubious over using any ("# of paragraphs = # of reviews x 3") style formula. Use whatever amount is appropriate.
  • Don't italicise the website Toon Zone.
  • The [bracketing] in the final quote of paragraph 1 is a little distracting. Try: She thought that Sozin's Comet lacked plot holes, as well as unnecessary plot devices, stating that the "story moved and kept us moving right along with it from beginning to end."
  • Is it "Lion Turtle", "The Lion Turtle" or "lion-turtle"? Is that his name or is it just a description of the character? Like the Firelord, nail this one down.
  • "a triple-digit increase". What does this mean? Just off the top of my head this could be construed as (numbers are only examples): 100,000 to 100,000,000; 100 x the previous figures; or an 100% increase on previous figures. Above all, be clear about what this means, use specifics and go into detail if possible.
  • "During the week of July 14". I would say "the week beginning July 14" or similar.
  • State what the first and last of these six new episodes were. E.g. (from "example episode 1" through to "example episode 6")
  • "the top rank for telecast on broadcast". What is a telecast on broadcast? This may be American terminology or jargon. If so, please find a clearer way of stating what exactly "telecast on broadcast" is.
  • You say that it was one of the best-selling episodes on iTunes that week but you failed to mention that it was released in this format in the "Production" section. The release details should be mentioned, along with the broadcaster and schedule etc, at the final paragraph of the production section (can't believe I didn't notice that that material was missing from there!)
  • The online game info is poorly incorporated. Think of a better way to do this through expansion etc (maybe link it in by saying that "the finale's popularity spilled over from the broadcast into online media" or similar).
  • No more awards than the director one? Ensure that you've fully looked for any awards the finale may have won.
• References
  • As usual, italicise books, journals and newspapers. (e.g. The New York Times)
  • Don't italicise things like Apple Inc.
  • I would expect that there are a few more sources to be tapped here. Though quantity is never a measure of quality (an FA sometimes may only require 5 quality refs) the type of article this is will naturally draw upon a wide variety of sources. Keep an eye out.
• General
  • Perhaps a couple more screen caps of the most crucial/parts of the story could be used? E.g. Aang facing off against the Fire Lord and seeing one of them using "firebending". Plus another image which is particularly useful in helping the reader understand what is happening in the episodes (showing the comet perhaps?). Check out Wikipedia:Non-free content if you're unfamiliar with usage.
  • You could read GA The Last One (Friends) for any ideas that may be missing from this article.
  • No mention of Avatar: The Last Airbender - Into the Inferno? Give a brief summary of: which parts of the series it's based on (or parts that break from the series, if any), release and sales. Unsure whether this would fall under Production or Reception. Give it a think.

I'll get back to you once you've responded to my suggestions/issues. The copyedit on the plot may take a little longer so be patient. Sillyfolkboy (talk) 01:40, 2 February 2009 (UTC)