Wikipedia:Peer review/Sheriff Hill/archive4

Sheriff Hill

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article was recently nominated at WP:FAC but was not listed as it received only two substantive responses– one supporting and the other recommending a final WP:PR. In light of the latter, I am requesting a fourth PR, prior to re-nominating for feature article. Any comments or suggestions which would help see this article finally make FA status would be extremely welcome. Thanks, Meetthefeebles (talk) 09:24, 12 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

I'd consider taking "formerly a village" out of the first sentence, since that strikes me as not absolutely crucial to Sheriff Hill's definition.
"The Industrial Revolution brought heavy industry, so it was once the centre of pottery making and site of a coal mine." "and" instead of "so"
"was bi-annually visited" -> "was visited bi-annually"
"provides the settlement's name" -> "provided"
"economically disadvantaged, compared to other areas" comma not needed.
"Sheriff's Highway, its major road attains a height" needs a comma after "road"
"Gateshead Fell; in the ancient county of Durham" semicolon not needed.
"consisted of some 1,300 acres of land consisting of" redundant "consisting of" - rephrase. Perhaps: "including" or "and included"
I think you should more quickly describe Sheriff Hill's precise association with Gateshead Fell, which we only learn in the second sentence of that section. Viz: "Before 1809, Sheriff Hill was a heath within Gateshead Fell in the ancient county of Durham"
"By the middle of the 18th century, Gateshead Fell was a place of notoriety, for its bleakness and the criminality undertaken upon it" -> "By the middle of the 18th century, Gateshead Fell was known for its bleakness and criminality." You're already describing why it's notorious, so "notoriety" is redundant. Also recommend a full stop after this bit, with next sentence starting "When theologian..."
"New roads were built on Blue Quarries Road, Church Road and Windy Nook Road" doesn't make sense to me. You can't build a road on a road, no? Are we trying to say these roads were improved or refurbished in some way? More to come.--Batard0 (talk) 06:11, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"The "Sheriff's March" described the bi-annual procession of the Sheriff of Northumberland to meet the traveling Crown judges" -> "was a bi-annual"
Would be good to describe when the Sheriff's March took place and what its significance was to Sheriff Hill in the first sentence of the section or as a short second sentence. "The procession took place between the 13th and 19th centuries and passed through Gateshead Fell."
"It is as a direct result of the "Sheriff's March" that the area around Ye Olde Cannon and the old turnpike road became known as Sheriff Hill" -> "As a result of the "Sheriff's March", the area around Ye Olde Cannon and the old turnpike road became known as Sheriff Hill" (conciseness)
It's now unclear to me if Sheriff Hill actually existed formally as part of Gateshead Fell before 1809; should the Gateshead Fell section say "the area now known as Sheriff Hill was part of Gateshead Fell..."?
"The major road is Sheriff's Highway, the B1296 or old Great North Road which was made into a turnpike road" Is it the major road through Sheriff Hill? If so, that should be in there.
"itself flourishing as the Industrial Revolution began to take hold" when? In the 19th century?
"Sodhouse Bank remains is now Sheriff's Highway" Is it "remains" or "is now"? Can't be both.
"incumbent Ian Mearns MP, represents the Labour party" -> "incumbent, Ian Mearns MP, is a member of the Labour party"
"newly-formed" -> "newly formed" (adverbs aren't hyphenated when modifying adjectives)
"Joyce Quin was returned with a majority of 53.3%" Where's the full stop?
"Mearns was elected with a majority of 12,549 votes over Frank Hindle" How can 12,548 votes be cast in an area with a population of 8,952? Are these different areas?
Suggest spelling out numbers nine and under: "two square kilometres", "two miles".
"the centre of Gateshead town centre" -> "Gateshead town centre"
"an "historic route from Durham to the north". which lies 255 miles (410 km) from London" Errant full stop.
"two or more A-Level's" -> A-Levels
The article could use a thorough copyedit. It's not bad, but there are some clear mistakes. You might try WP:GOCE.
The History section to me isn't comprehensive enough for FA. As an exercise, I would suggest trying to rewrite it following a strict chronology, including dates wherever we have them. This will sound dry, but it will form the backbone of a solid history section. At that point, add necessary details. The way it's organized now strikes me as a bit awkward and unclear.--Batard0 (talk) 06:53, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
You might consider moving material from the Economy section into the History section. The Economy section should ideally discuss Sheriff Hill's present economy, not its historical economy (although this should be discussed briefly, of course). The heavy industry stuff to me is more appropriate as part of its history.--Batard0 (talk) 06:55, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

This is excellent– thanks! I've spent this morning trying to reorder things to make the history section more substantive and I agree with your suggestion re: the history/economy sections and have made changes accordingly. I have to head out for the rest of the day but will go through your other suggestions tomorrow. Again, thanks for taking the time to look at this :) Meetthefeebles (talk) 12:16, 17 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]