Wikipedia:Peer review/Shaylee Mansfield/archive1

Shaylee Mansfield

Hi all. This article is on a deaf actress who has already broken huge barriers at just the age of 12 or less. I'm gonna try to get this to FA-status. Hopefully, y'all can help me with some comments.

Thanks! Pamzeis (talk) 01:28, 6 February 2022 (UTC)

Comments from Aoba47

I have honestly never heard of this individual so hopefully that perspective will be helpful with my comments. I would be mindful that Mansfield is still in the early stages of her and the article will have to remain up-to-date and could possibly (and will very likely) look different further down her career. However, that should not be an obstacle for a FAC as people like Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga have FAs even though their careers are still quite active. I only bring this up so you can be mindful of it. My comments are below:

• I have two comments about the following phrase, former YouTube personality, from the lead. I think it should be YouTuber instead as I do not really see personality used as often in this context. Also, has she officially said that she is done with YouTube?
  •  Done
    Her official website says she starred from 2013 to 2019, implying she's done. CNET calls her a "YouTuber-turned-actor", while CinemaBlend calls her a "former YouTuber".
• I have two comments about this part, Then, she starred in a Disney "Unforgettable Story". I would use a different transition word then "then" as it is not the best. Also, more context will be needed for "Unforgettable Story" as I do not know what this is.
  •  Removed
    Attempted to expand
• The lead should mention where she was born and where she grew up.
  •  Added where she was born
• Instead of auto-captioning, I would say automatic captioning with the link. I would also link Instagram in the lead.
  •  Done
• Have you considered making a request for a copy-edit from the WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors? I am only suggesting this as I think the prose in the lead could use some further work. I also think the prose as a whole could use further work to reach the FA level.
  •  Done
• The citation placement in the first sentence of the "2009–2018: Early life and viral videos" subsection cuts the sentence in an awkward way that impairs readability.
  • Moved
• I am not really familiar with deafness at all so apologies if this is super obvious, but is this phrasing, Her younger sister, Ivy, is hearing, correct? It just reads as rather odd to me.
  • I think so. From my experience, it's the same as saying someone is deaf (grammatically, not, y'know)
• Do we have further background about how she started reading Christmas stories on ASL Nook and her parents' likely involvement with that?
  • I can't find anything from my searches... D'you have anything on your end... or something?
• I am not really sure what this part, which honors events within the Disney parks and resorts, means.
  •  Removed
• Do we have further context on what "Unforgettable Stories" is?
  • Attempted to expand
• Is there more information on Born This Way: Deaf Out Loud, even like who produced it and where it was released.
  •  Added
• I get what you mean by this part, The agent arranged to meet with her, but only on that particular day, but I find it awkwardly phrased and it would benefit from revision. The "that particular day" part in particular seems off to me.
  •  Removed
• The word "helped" does not really make sense in this context, helped In July 2019, she was announced to have.
  • Typo 🤦‍♀️
• I do not fully understand this sentence: The production hired multiple ASL interpreters and coaches to ensure accuracy. Why would these interpreters and coaches be needed? To ensure the accuracy of what?
  •  Removed
• Is there a reason for the invisible comment?
  •  Removed

I hope these comments are helpful and encourage other reviewers to participate in this peer review. My primary concern for this article is the prose. I do not think it is on the level expected for a FA/FAC so I would encourage you to request a GOCE copy-edit. If you do pursue this route, I would make sure to specify in the request that this would be a copy-edit in preparation for a FAC as this will influence how the copy-editor approaches the article. Best of luck with this! Aoba47 (talk) 04:30, 7 February 2022 (UTC)

• Pamzeis Are you planning to respond to these comments? Should the PR be closed? (t · c) buidhe 08:02, 2 March 2022 (UTC)

  I'm kinda waiting for the copy edit to go through first... I would prefer the PR not be closed, since the copy edit can't be that far away... Pamzeis (talk) 10:31, 3 March 2022 (UTC)

  • Timestamping to avoid closure. Pamzeis (talk) 02:24, 30 March 2022 (UTC)
    • @Aoba47: Hopefully, I have addressed your comments. Apologies for the delay... Lemme know if you have any other concerns or need clarification regarding the above comments. Thanks. Pamzeis (talk) 12:08, 25 April 2022 (UTC)