Wikipedia:Peer review/Prison education/archive2

Prison education

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This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because it did not pass its nomination for FAC, yet there was no clear consensus at FAC on what needs to be improved; different editors had different ideas on the matter. In exchange for your comments here I will gladly review any PR, GAN, FAC or FLC of your choice.

Thanks, Freikorp (talk) 03:29, 9 July 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Aoba47

I will add some comments about the prose in the near future. Please ping me at the end of next week if I have not posted my remarks; it will take me some time as it is a long article. Aoba47 (talk) 01:28, 4 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]

First, I want to say that you have done excellent work with this article; it is a difficult topic to work on as it is rather expansive. Issues of coverage/scope with regards to different areas of the world were the primary reasons for the FAC being closed, but my comments are primarily focused on the prose itself. I feel that is the best way for me to help, as I am not entirely sure how to best provide useful commentary for the other stuff. Just wanted to clarify that before my comments below:

For this part (Courses can include basic literacy programs, high-school equivalency programs) of the lead, do you think there should be a wikilink for “high-school”, especially if the subsequent items in the list are linked too? I have also seen primarily written as “high school” without the hyphen. *I have two comments for this part (and in the US the rate is four to five dollars saved for every dollar spent.) from the lead. There should be a comma after “the US” ad I would wikilink dollars, especially since you linked pound in the previous sentence.
For this sentence (Sweden is considered to be a pioneer in prison education. It became mandatory for inmates in 1842, and vocational education), I would link “vocational education” as it is the first time that you mention it in the lead. From my understanding, the lead and the body of the article are treated separately so items would need to be linked in both on their first use. Unlink “vocational education” later in the article.
I am confused by the citation placement in this part (Iceland, which as of 2011 averaged only 137 prisoners in the country,[6] began implementing education programs in 1971.). If the last part is cited through reference 7 at the end of the paragraph, I would add it to the end of the sentence to make it clear.
For this part (By 1900 the states of Massachusetts) and this part (and by the 1930s educational programs could be found in most prisons) make sure to use commas after the years. I would look through the entire article to make sure that the use of commas is consistent one way or the other.
This source (Prisons in Latin America: A journey into hell) may be helpful.
For this sentence (Each state and territory, however, maintains control over its own prison education systems; there is no national system[20][23] leading to differences in the way education is offered.), I would clarify which references are used to support the second half.
For this part (For many years the only prison education offered in Morocco was farming), add a comma after “For many years”.
For the (Anonymous prisoner on the difficulties of studying in jail) quote box, do you think that it would be beneficial to specify the nationality of the prisoner or jail in the prose?

Again, great job with this article. I wish that I could be more help with the other comments toward the article. I think that prose-wise that it is on an FA-level. If you have the time, I would greatly appreciate any help with my current FAC (it is a super short article). Either way, good luck with this and have a great start to your week! Aoba47 (talk) 18:34, 6 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks so much for your comments. I've made the suggested prose changes, and will look into the Latin American source shortly. I'll be happy to review your FAC in return. :) Freikorp (talk) 04:34, 7 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you! I hope that I helped out a little. Aoba47 (talk) 05:06, 7 August 2018 (UTC)[reply]