Wikipedia:Peer review/Phil Hartman/archive1

Phil Hartman

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for November 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
Having recently got this article to GA status, I would like to garner some comments to improve it further, with a view to getting it to FA at some point in the future. Anything you think is important which isn't mentioned, any grammatical issues and anything else at all are most welcomed. Additonally, any copy-edits would be great, and most importantly, if anyone has or can find a free-use of Hartman from anywhere, that would be brilliant. If anyone is good at securing permissions from Flickr users, could you perhaps try and get permission for either of these images [1], [2]? Thanks very much, Gran² 13:12, 15 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

How do you turn this on

Try not to repeat stuff in the lead. For example, you give his date of birth in the lead, and repeat it later; same with where he was born. Lead is supposed to be a summary, not a copy of the prose below.
Second sentence of the second paragraph of the Early life section is pretty long. The last sentence is oddly constructed as well.
"Working alone as a designer" A designer of what? I thought he was an actor.

I'll add some more later, have to go now. – How do you turn this on (talk) 19:33, 15 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the comments. I'll address each bullet point below:

I don't understand what you mean. The lead is supposed to be a summary of everything else to come, so naturally will repeat things.

Yes and no. You don't need to give his date of birth twice really, though his place of birth may be different. – How do you turn this on (talk) 22:13, 15 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Well I don't see why, I think it's fine including it in the article. Gran² 22:22, 15 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I'll split it.
His work as a designer is clearly mentioned in the previous section, I'll specify that he was a graphic designer for people who don't read whole articles.

Well no. You say he studied art at school and created some album covers. Nowhere does it say designer. – How do you turn this on (talk) 22:13, 15 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Oh I see, I'll change it to graphic artist. Gran² 22:22, 15 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks. Gran² 19:51, 15 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]