Wikipedia:Peer review/Pavel Bure/archive1

Pavel Bure

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because any feedback would be greatly appreciated before I submit it for FAC. A few things I've been wondering about the article are the citation style (two different styles are used: the citeweb template for internet sources and footnotes for a single book that is referenced throughout), whether the personal life section should be further divided into subsections and general grammar. Thanks, Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 02:46, 21 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Lengthy, Detailed Comments Nice to see someone working on this article. I've been wanting to do it myself for as long as I can remember, but have neglected it. Anyways heres my review of the article:
I added EV Landshut to the infobox, seeing how he did play 1 game for them during the first lockout; HC Spartak Moscow was already listed, and he only played 1 game for them as well, and I would consider the DEL to be as professional as the RSL, so Landshut might as well be included.
Seeing how you are confused about how to include the book, I tried something for that: in the first citation to Banks' book, I included the full information about it (see [5]). The only problem is that there was no publication city listed, so I put Vancouver in as default. Obviously, change that if needed.
Images are going to need alt-text if submitted for FAC.

I've done this for both images, but am unsure if I've done it correctly for the templates of the infobox and medal box. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:50, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Nevermind, I think I've fixed it after looking at the Howie Morenz article. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:57, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

After some discussion, the consensus for ordering sections on hockey biography articles was to put records and awards after the career statistics.
"By age twelve, his parents separated and Bure remained with his mother." Change 'By' into 'At'
There is no citation included in the second paragraph of the "early life" section.
"In December 1986, he embarked on a tour of Canada with the Soviet national midget team that spanned from Ottawa to Vancouver." That sentence seems odd to me; it sounds as if the Soviet national team spanned from Ottawa to Vancouver. I would suggest something along the lines of "embarked on a tour of Canada, going from Ottawa to Vancouver," or something of that like.
It might be better to include the first two paragraphs of the "personal life" section into the "early life" section, as it gives more background into the early life of Bure.
"Playing on the fourth line in his senior club debut, he scored his first goal while on a 2-on-1." That is going to need some clearer wording for the non-hockey following readers. Explain what the fourth line is, and what a 2-on-1 is. I might even go far enough to omit the 2-on-1 reference, as it's not that notable, and frankly, a situation he should have scored in.

I've omitted the 2-on-1 reference, but am not able to come up with a sufficient explanation of the fourth line without disrupting the article.. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:50, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

He set a goal scoring record, but there needs to be more depth about it. It should mention it was the rookie scoring record, and what was the old record.

Elaborated, but am not sure if I'll be able to find a reference for the old record (or what it even was). Will try, though.. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:50, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I don't think Bure helped CSKA win the 1999 European Championship.

Ha. Oops. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:50, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

The term "countless future NHLers" sounds like a weasel word. Change to "several" or something similar.
Reference to Mogilny and Fedorov defections should be included.
I was under the impression that the Bure draft controversy stemmed over his lack of playing with the national team, not CSKA. However, this could just be a misunderstaning on my part.

I, too, was initially under that impression. I'm still not 100% sure of all the details as the whole situation seems extremely complex. From what I gathered from the book and sources on the internet, however, the extra games in question seemed more of a reference to CSKA. What I came across was that league policy was that a player had to have played in at least 2 seasons with a top-tier European club, with at least 11 games required to qualify as a season.

Are the dollars mentioned in US or Canadian dollars? Clarification required for that.
"Trevor Linden, who had just recently signed a four-year, $3.7 million contract himself." The "himself" seems redundant, as it is already stated that Linden had signed the contract.
"His first practice with the club on November 3, 1991, was attended by an approximate two thousand fans." Again for non-hockey folk: is it notable that 2000 fans attended a practise? Should be explained that indeed, it is.
Reference for first game?
More hockey jargon: "end-to-end rushes."
The second reference to him scoring 60 points (when tying Hlinka's rookie scoring record) seems redundant, as the previous sentence says how many points he scored.
While McLean was nominated for the Vezina, it doesn't say what the Vezina is an award for.
In reference to Quinn winning the Jack Adams Award, it needs to be explained what its for.
"Bure was curiously left off the NHL All-Rookie Team, making him the only Calder recipient to not be named to the lineup." I would say that the word "curiously" is another case of WP:WEASEL.
"Shortly following the All-Star break, Bure surpassed Tony Tanti's 44-goal franchise single-season mark on February 9, 1993, in a 5–1 win over the Quebec Nordiques." An awkward sentence. I suggest changing it to "Bure established a new franchise record for goals in a season, surpassing Tanti's 44 goals in a win over Quebec," though better sounding.
In note to Bure scoring his 50th goal, it seems unnecessary to say it was the first of 5 times. Leave that for later in the article.
Seems a little trivial to include him having a goal waved off. But this is more opinion, so can be disregarded. However, if left in, should clear up the wording in reference to hockey-related phrases.
"Bure eventually finished the season with 110 points in 82 games to become the first Canuck named to the NHL First All-Star Team." The word "to" should be "and."
Probably should link "groin" in the next paragraph.
I would drop reference to Cinderella run, as it sounds POV.
First reference of Dallas Stars should use full name.
"Just Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux." Remove "just."
The Province is called that, not the Vancouver Province. To show that it is a Vancouver-based paper, perhaps write "The Province of Vancouver."
The group of players Fetisov organised wouldn't be Soviet in 1995. Use either "Russian" or "former Soviet."
"being centred by Trevor Linden, rookie Michael Peca and Cliff Ronning." I would switch Ronning and Peca's name, just because it gives me the impression that Ronning and Peca are both rookies.
"He finished with a career total of 34 playoff goals with the Canucks, which remained the highest club total until Linden tied the mark in 2007,[52] to go with 66 points." The part "to go with 66 points" seems out of place after the mention of Linden.
I recall that he wanted to change his jersey to 96 because of the day he landed in North America (September 6, or 9/6). If that is indeed true, perhaps a mention.

You're right. Included. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:50, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"after having missed 62 games the previous season because of his knee injury." Don't need to mention the knee injury again; just write "after having missed 62 games the previous season."
"notching his third 50-goal campaign, as well as his first since 1993–94." Having "as well as his first" sounds like he scored another time. Removed the "as well as."
"behind just Peter Forsberg and Jaromír Jágr." Another use of "just" that is unnecessary.
Including that Linden and Naslund passed Smyl's goal record seems a little redundant in talking about Bure. Though they passed Smyl, its not relevant in an article about Bure. Also unlink Smyl's name; he's linked earlier in the article.

I originally had left that out myself, but it was later added by another editor. I personally kind of like having Bure's stats stack up to all the Canuck greats in that one sentence. Summarizes the timeline of significant Vancouver players in a way. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:50, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"the following month in August." After saying he had a meeting in July, its apparant that the following month is going to be August, so just say "the following month."
A little bit trivial, but Lukashenko's offer probably wouldn't have been tax-free; Eastern Europe tends to give salaries in terms after taxes, which this almost certainly was. But again, this is largely trivial.
"he was finally traded on January 17, 1999." Finally seems unnecessay, and the comma after 1999 seems out of place. It should probably be moved to after Florida Panthers.

Commas after years are a habit of mine dating back to grade eight grammar lol. I'm not completely sure if it's correct, but I'm almost certain it's proper grammar. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:50, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"Bure returned to appear in 5 more games. Before long, he was sidelined once more for the rest of the campaign with another knee injury, suffered on March 3, after a collision with defenceman Adam Foote in a game against the Colorado Avalanche." Could probably be combined into one sentence, removing the term "before long," seeing how it's already stated he only played 5 games.
"furthering his franchise single-season goal-scoring record." I would change "furthering" to "bettering" or something of that type.
"Panthers traded with the Calgary Flames." I don't think I've ever heard of a trade in the NHL referred to in this manner. Perhaps change to "aquired his brother Valeri from the Calgary Flames in a trade."
"Bure reached the 700-point mark, the final 100-point plateau of his career." Drop reference to final 100-point plateau, as it sounds like he scored 100 points in a season or something similar.
Reference to leading the Panthers in scoring in 2000–01.
"along with Florida's 2nd round pick in the 2002 draft (Lee Falardeau)." There should be a comma after "(Lee Falardeau)."
In the international play infobox, I would maybe consider removing the "then-" from the title "President of Russia," though I could be wrong in this regard.
"giving way to the republic's dissolution later that year." Another politcal note about the Soviet Union. It wasn't a republic; rather, the Soviet Union was a union of 15 seperate republics. Instead of republic, use union.
"Still prior to the dissolution." Drop "still."
In the "playing style" section, "breakaway" doesn't need to be linked, as it is previously in the article.
Another unnecessary use of "just," this time "behind just Mike Bossy and Mario Lemieux."
"whose lineage can be traced back to German descent" is an awkward phrase. Perhaps change to "Vladimir, who's lineage is of German ancestry." Also there is no reference to that claim.
"he narrowly lost the gold medal by half a second." The word "narrowly" is redundant; as he lost by 0.5 seconds, it was obviously a close lose.
"as such, they were granted noble status." Maybe change to "they were granted noble status as a reward;" the current structure sounds bad.

I don't want to say reward, because the way the book explained it, noble status was automatically granted given their position. I've changed the wording a little, but the sentence structure is actually still the same. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 22:50, 26 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Another trivial issue: the Bure's didn't make watches for the Russian "royal" family, but the Russian "imperial" family (Tsar/Czar=Emperor=Imperial). Also, another use of "then-President" which I would say is unnecessary.
A note on political accuracy: I would be compelled to refer to Fedorov as a former Russian teammate, as they did play on the Russian team as well, and were both Russians. But just another trivial issue from me.
"Despite making headlines in Russia, where they were both heavily followed in the media as celebrities, Bure and Kournikova both denied the story." This sentence doesn't make sense. Because they were followed in the Russian media, Bure and Kournikova denied the story? I don't quite understand.
If the article is going to include reference to Kournikova marrying Iglesias, a reference would be needed. But I'd be tempted to just remove it completly.
The continued reference to "Soviet NHL players" in a post-Soviet Union world seems wrong. A change of term should be in order.
Unlink Fetisov's name, and use consistency throughout the article for his name. Until this point in the article, he was "Slava Fetisov." Now he's "Vyacheslav Fetisov." Use one name, or start with Vyacheslav and then Slava.
"600,000-foot" should probably be "600,000-square-foot."
In "records" section, change "league" to "NHL."
A good article, very thorough and detailed, with plenty of citations for everything. Good work on it. Kaiser matias (talk) 07:46, 25 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]