Wikipedia:Peer review/Osteitis fibrosa cystica/archive1

Osteitis fibrosa cystica

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for November 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because… I'd like assistance in cleaning up/improving this article. Any help at all would be appreciated.

Thanks, Strombollii (talk) 14:08, 18 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

I believe there is a better link for your "calcified bone" - namely "ossification"
What does "peritrabecular" in the intro mean?
What does "hypercalcemia" mean (in "Treatment")?
Typo in wikilinking "bone re-absorption" in "Diagnosis"
You might want to wikilink your use of "parathyroid carcinoma" in "Treatment" - It was linked earlier on (in the intro), but as your article gets longer it is acceptable to wikilink a technical term twice or more as long as it isn't one right after another (in other words: wikilink in sections at the beginning and end if need be)
Literal quotes = bad.

"The only opportunity for cure is surgery with meticulous resection of the tumor intact because disruption of the capsule will seed tumor cells. This diagnosis should be considered in patients with hyperparathyroidism who have severe hypercalcemia, extremely high parathyroid hormone (PTH) levels, or a palpable neck mass."
— Kearns

I suggest moving links from "See also" to the beginning of sections in which they pertain. I can do this for you if my wording is confusing :-P
Try to expand the links in your disease_box : You can always get to the database websites by going to an article (like OCD) and clicking on the blue-linked text in the disease_box. From there, just search "Osteitis Fibrosa Cystica" and post the link #'s in the disease_box template. I can help if this is confusing.
Elaborate on "detected in its early stages." (From intro): Suffering my ignorance, is hyperthyroidism genetic at all? If so, how early is the onset of OFC after birth? Can it be detected prior to birth? If it isn't genetic, then how early can it be detected? Will the patient suffer any ill effects before it is detected? Is it ever confused with osteoporosis (as you described the bones turning "soft")?
This is a rate of incidence, not a cause... thus it would be appropriate under "Etiology". You might desire to keep the information about tumors, however the & rate is strictly a statistic. Also, I see no reference!:

"The vast majority of cases of hyperparathyroidism are the result of random tumors which invade the parathyroid glands. These instances comprise approximately 80–85% of all documented cases of hyperparathyroidism."

Also, in referring to the "soft" quality of bones and some of your descriptions in "Signs and symptoms:" these would be more appropriate placed in a section entitled "Pathophysiology." Some of these describe the effects of OFC on a patient, AKA how it damages their skeletal structure:

{quote|"Osteitis fibrosa cystica is, in essence, the replacement of outer layers of calcified bone with fluid-filled cysts. In some cases, the marrow of the bone is then replaced with vascularized fibrous tissue and osteoclasts. If left unchecked, the bones will turn soft."|Rubin}}

Overall, not too bad! Quite a few of my comments are merely personal and not part of any formal requirement. Thus, feel free to address these as you see fit. Good work so far, keep it up. Cheers! Food_Puma 00:38, 21 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]