Wikipedia:Peer review/Mwng/archive1

Mwng

This peer review discussion has been closed.
After more than five years on Wikipedia I've finally decided to brave the FAC dragons. I'd like to go in as prepared as possible so any and all comments would be useful. The article has recently passed a GA review and has been copyedited by Macwhiz Cavie78 (talk) 19:13, 8 November 2010 (UTC)

Thanks, Cavie78 (talk) 19:13, 8 November 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This seems to me to be in fairly good shape, but I have one serious reservation and some smaller ones.

• The article depends too heavily on short, embedded quotes in the text. I'd recommend that you make the article less dependent on direct quotes by restating the claims in your own words. That's tricky, I know, because whatever you say must be supported by the sources. Still, I count 11 or 12 of these snippet quotes, things like "new wave of confidence in the Welsh nation", "pop strike", and "token Welsh songs" in the lead alone. The overall effect is to make the article read too much like a compilation of the words of others. An example of an easy change from quote snippet to paraphrase occurs in the sentence, "Rhys has stated that many of the Mwng 's songs are highly personal reflections on what were a 'pretty heavy' few years for him." You might replace this with "Rhys has stated that many of Mwng 's songs are personal reflections on what were difficult years for him." The source supports both ways of saying this, and neither paraphrases the source too closely. So why use the quote snippet?

Origins and recording

• "Rhys has also stated that Mwng was inspired by him simply "getting bored" of writing songs in English... " - The construction "by him getting" is a bit awkward. Maybe "inspired by his boredom with writing songs in English"? Or "Rhys has also stated that his boredom with writing songs in English inspired him to write Mwng"?  Done Have changed - I prefer the latter suggestion.

• "rather than being a celebration of Welsh culture" - Tighten by one word by deleting "being"?  Done

• ""Sarn Helen" was recorded and engineered by keyboardist Cian Ciaran in his living room." - Change to active voice to avoid a string of passives; i.e., "Keyboardist Cian Ciaran recorded and engineered "Sarn Helen" in his living room"?

• "Overdubs for all songs were added at Ofn with Owen, who also mixed the album at the studio along with the Super Furry Animals." - Active voice? Maybe "Working with the Super Furry Animals, Owen mixed the album at Ofn, and he added the overdubs for the songs"? My rule of thumb with the passive voice is to change to active when it's relatively easy to do so; e.g., "The cat scratched the dog" rather than "The dog was scratched by the cat".

• Citation 25 lacks the publisher info, which seems to be cokemachineglow (CMG), and the date of most recent access.

The date of most recent access is there. I've chosen to add publication details only for print media per WP:CITEHOW

I've changed some of the web cites, changing work to publisher so  Done

• In citation 29, "SUPER FURRY ANIMALS" should be changed to Wikipedia house style, "Super Furry Animals", even though the source uses all caps.  Done

• The image of Rhys would probably be better placed on the left so that he looks into the page.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 03:25, 17 November 2010 (UTC)

• doing... Happy Thanksgiving Tbhotch^{Talk C.} 19:50, 24 November 2010 (UTC)
• Done Happy Thanksgiving Tbhotch^{Talk C.} 07:40, 25 November 2010 (UTC)
• General

WP:ALT would be added.

Has excessive quotes.

• Lead

References in the lead should be avoided because the information is the body, see WP:LEAD.

The refs are for direct quotes and the chart position only. Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

Singer Gruff Rhys stated that -> Change "singer" for "vocalist of the band" ore something similar.

The "lo-fi" -> link it to low fidelity.

 Done Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

• Origins and recording

Top 10 -> WP:NUMBERS

Top 10 is the commonly used spelling. Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

Welsh language album was not "an explicitly political statement", the group did want to make a "stand against globalisation", railing -> Lead states that Ryhs felt it, not the group.

 Done Changed in body of text. Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

The "lo-fi" Mwng -> as above

 Done Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

in contrast with the "excessive expense" of Guerilla—cost just GB£6,000 to make -> and how much cost the "expense" Guerrilla?

I don't think it matters - the point is simply the album was recorded cheaply, for much less than its predecessor. Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

were recorded at Famous Studios in Cardiff and were engineered by Greg Haver, while "Y Teimlad" was recorded at Real World Studios, Box, Wiltshire and was engineered by Michael Brennan, Jr. -> commas -> were recorded at Famous Studios in Cardiff, and were engineered by Greg Haver, while "Y Teimlad" was recorded at Real World Studios, Box, Wiltshire, and was engineered by Michael Brennan, Jr.

 Done Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

• Music syle

(the writers of "Y Teimlad") -> already noted.

It think it makes sense to state this again here. Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

even though "Anglo-American pop culture of the 60s, 70s and 80s" is a quote by someone on the group, it can be re-written for not make it a quote.

Rhys has said that, although keyboardist Cian Ciaran -> already mentioned -> Rhys has said that, although Ciaran

My rule of thumb is to give complete names the first time people are mentioned in a different section. Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

and "psychedelic-era" Rolling Stones. -> Maybe and "psychedelic-era" of The Rolling Stones.?

I think this is fine as it is. Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

cruising down the A5 to Rome in a two-door chariot -> Link Rome.

 Done Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

being chased by bees after he disturbed a beehive -> -> Link both bee-related words.

 Done Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

• Release

The Super Furry Animals had originally intended to issue Mwng in ... that Creation originally intended to issue Mwng -> synonyms needed.

 Done Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

in the UK as B-sides -> B-sides already linked.

 Done Removed link Cavie78 (talk) 00:37, 3 January 2011 (UTC)