Wikipedia:Peer review/Marouane Chamakh/archive2

Marouane Chamakh

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I've listed this article for peer review because I think with a proper review, it is capable of becoming a good article.

Thanks, Joao10Siamun (talk) 17:11, 11 January 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This looks generally good, well-organized, well-illustrated, and broad in coverage. The prose could still use a bit of polishing here and there, and I have a few other suggestions.

Infobox

"National team caps and goals correct as of 17:57, 1 January 2011 (UTC)" - This seems unnecessarily precise. I would delete the exact hour of the update.

Overlinking

It's generally unnecessary to link terms more than once in the lead and once in the main text. More than that is distracting. In the lead alone, for example, Morocco National football team is linked twice, as in Arsenal. Arsenal is linked at least two times in the main text. Angola is linked three times in the "International goals" table, and other terms are linked multiple times in this table.

Layout

Three consecutive directional images beginning with File:Marouane Chamakh.jpg look out of the page rather than in. Generally, directional images look better if facing into the page. MOS:IMAGES has details.

Lead

Since the lead is to be a summary of the main text, I think you should add something about Chamakh's captaincy of the Morocco team to the "International career" section. Or am I just not seeing it?

"on a free transfer after agreeing to a four-year contract" - Link "free transfer" to Free transfer (football)?

Bordeaux

"Upon his arrival to the club, Chamakh was inserted into the club's youth academy and began attending high school, with early ambitions of earning a Baccalauréat in accounting, which he later accomplished." - Slightly too complex. Suggestion: "Upon his arrival, Chamakh was inserted into the club's youth academy and began attending high school. He hoped to earn a baccalauréat in accounting, which he later accomplished."

"The team was coached by Jean-Louis Garcia and Chamakh was involved heavily in team's campaign appearing in 17 matches and scoring six goals as the team finished first in their group, thus earning promotion to the Championnat de France amateur." - Too complex. Suggestion: "Chamakh was involved heavily in the campaign of the team, coached by Jean-Louis Garcia. He appeared in 17 matches and scored six goals as the team finished first in their group, thus earning promotion to the Championnat de France amateur." I should add that I'm not sure whether this means the whole team was promoted or that just Chamakh was promoted.

"after incurring a second yellow" - Link "yellow" to the appropriate page?

"Chamakh finished the campaign with 14 total appearances with all his appearances being as a substitute." - Repetition of "appearance". Suggestion: "Chamakh appeared in 14 games, always as a substitute, during the campaign." Or something like that.

finish since ending the league campaign in 16^th - These "th" endings should be changed from superscript to regular type; i.e., 16th. I changed a few but not quite all.

"Under manager Laurent Blanc, Chamakh struggled to earn meaningful minutes in the 2007–08 season with Blanc preferring new signing David Bellion." - "With" doesn't make a good conjunction, and I noticed these here and there in the article. It's easy to make them more clear by re-casting the sentence. Suggestion: "Under manager Laurent Blanc, Chamakh struggled to earn meaningful minutes in the 2007–08 season because Blanc preferred David Bellion, a new recruit."

"He began the season claiming his fifth silverware" - Should "silverware" be linked or briefly explained?

"advanced to the semi-finals on the aggregate scoreline" - Should "aggregate scoreline" be linked or explained?

Career statistics

"As of 8 January 2011[1][52][56][57][58][59][60][61][62][63]" - This string of citations will not be very helpful to someone who wants to check the sources for verification of the claims or to find out more about a particular item. Which citation matches which claim? You might solve this problem by adding a "Notes" column to the table and placing the citation for each row in the Notes box at the end of the row. Just a thought. There are no doubt other solutions.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. Since I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments, if my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 19:19, 14 January 2011 (UTC)[reply]