Wikipedia:Peer review/Larry Doby/archive1

Larry Doby

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I've listed this article for peer review because it's a Good Article on a subject who deserves to make it to Featured Article status. I provided the GA review and think it could be ready for FAC with an extra set of eyes by a non-baseball expert to make sure any jargon and the like is dealt with.

Thanks, Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 02:26, 24 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments – Some initial thoughts from the first few sections are below. Overall, I think a copy-edit will be needed before an FAC nomination, as I'm finding a lot of small issues even early on. I fear the FAC prose reviewers will not be kind to the article in its current state.

In the lead, the en dash in "All–Star" should be a hyphen instead.
Last word of "World Series Championship" should be decapitalized.
Early life: The word order seems off in "Doby played with shortstop teammate, Monte Irvin." Actually, the sentence as a whole seems off.
Negro leagues: "advised Eagles' owners Able and Effa Manley to give Doby a tryout." Is "Able" supposed to be "Abe" like in our article on him?
"26 box scores have been found and concluded his batting average was .391." Confusing. It reads like the box scores made the conclusion, not people. I also feel this area could benefit from some context on how Negro League statistics are incomplete.
"against squads composed of white players, some which were composed of major leaguers." First, it should be "some of which". Second, the usage of "composed" is redundant here; try to seek greatly variety in the phrasing.
"While in Hawaii, Doby would meet fellow Navy man and future teammate Mickey Vernon. Vernon...". Try not to have words repeat from the end of one sentence to the beginning of another like this.
Another issue I see in this sentence that is constant throughout what I've read so far is an excessive use of passive voice. The active form, "met" instead of "would meet", is smoother to read. Similar edits could be made in too many places for me to list. It's worth going over the text to find areas where such changes can be made.
"and led the NNL in triples 6." Should either have parentheses around the number or "with" before it.
Don't need another Monte Irvin link here, since there was already one in the previous section.
"Doby hit .372 with one home run, five RBIs and recorded three stolen bases." The "recorded" is just getting in the way here and isn't needed for the structure of the sentence to work. Giants2008 (Talk) 01:28, 28 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Appreciate your time and efforts! I have resolved some of the minor CE issues noted. Will work on more time consuming issues soon (verb tense, wording). Zepppep (talk) 02:12, 13 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]