Wikipedia:Peer review/Katsura Hoshino/archive1

Katsura Hoshino

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for March 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because I hope to take it to GA, but I can't find a good model. It probably needs a copy-edit and an expansion on the influences and biography section. By the way, the character design image is under works because its longer than the influences section right now.

Thanks, ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 05:46, 11 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Note: I've added a Style section. I don't really know if it's focused enough. It felt like writing a reception section for a series. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 23:23, 16 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I've gone on enforced wikibreak until April 10. I'm not likely to see any comments here. Itzjustdrama as 71.167.77.138 (talk) 23:21, 25 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: Here are a few suggestions for improvement.

A published biography, if one can be found as a source, would be most helpful here. As it is, the article relies heavily on the manga itself, and it's hard for me to tell fact from fiction. I gather that much of the autobiography and other information is coming from the manga series. It would be really good to add more information from magazines and newspaper articles and reviews if you can find any. Here are just a few other suggestions.
- I'll see what more I can dig up. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 22:01, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  - I really can't find anything other than what has been provided in the manga. She has only one interview that has a chance of containing biographical information, a copy of which I can't obtain. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 17:36, 21 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Choppy prose, passive voice

The prose is choppy in several places because the sentence pattern is unvaried. The sentences are short, and many use passive voice rather than active. Here's an example: "An anime adaptation, directed by Nabeshima Osamu and produced by Dentsu, was aired from October 2006 to September 2008. An English language release is licensed by Funimation. The first thirteen episodes of the anime are set for a DVD release in March 2009. Two novels, commonly named D.Gray-man Reverse, have been written by Kaya Kizaki. Two video games and a trading card game, all developed by Konami, have also been released." A few small adjustments would improve the flow and keep readers interested. Something like this: "An anime adaptation, directed by Nabeshima Osamu and produced by Dentsu, was aired from October 2006 to September 2008. Funimation licensed an English language version, the first thirteen episodes of which are set for DVD release in March 2009. Based on Hoshino's work, Kaya Kizaki has written two novels, commonly named D.Gray-man Reverse, and Konami has developed two video games and a trading card game."
- I've attempted to fix it. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 22:01, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

"She made her debut in July 2003 with the publication of her manga Continue and is known for her current work, D.Gray-man (ディーグレイマン ,Dī Gureiman?), which began serialization in Shueisha's Weekly Shōnen Jump in May 2004." - Delete "current"?
- Fixed. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 20:57, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"including an anime series and two novel adaptations" - Wikilink anime?
- Fixed. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 20:57, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"The series has picked up attention in North America" - "gained" rather than "picked up"?
- Fixed. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 20:57, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Biography

"Growing up, she liked to draw and drew manga every day to please her sister. She drew her first manga at twenty-one." - These two sentences contradict each other.
- To be honest, the first sentence isn't cited by the citation at the end. The second is. I'm removing the first since I can't verify. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 20:57, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"Initially, they only fought with each other." - Even though this is sourced, I would not use it in the biography of a living person. On the face of it, it is not true. They could not possibly "only" fight with each other.
- Removed. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 20:57, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I hope these few suggestions prove helpful. Finetooth (talk) 16:02, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Tintor2 comments, not much that I can say but here are my few suggestions:

Per WP: Lead the lead does not need references since it is all cited in the sections from the article.
- Fixed. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 21:16, 16 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
"Living people, some of which include unnamed famous scientists, her editor, Aleister Crowley, and Yūsuke Santamaria, as well as the Tim Campi Design silver accessory brand, serve as models for various characters." has too many references, it would be better to reduce them.Tintor2 (talk) 13:31, 16 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
- Broke it up into two sentences. Instead of one sentence and five refs, it's now two sentences, three and two refs. ~Itzjustdrama ^{C ?} 21:19, 16 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]