Wikipedia:Peer review/John Frusciante/archive1
I and a few other editors have gone through great-lengths recently to greatly improve this article. I want to eventually nominate this article for featured status, but before we get way too ahead of ourselves, I thought a peer-review would be helpful. If anyone wants to look over this article and give us some pointers or offer some constructive criticism as to how we can further improve this article, then please, by all means. Our main concern with the article at this juncture is the equipment section. Although I have gone to great lengths to cite every piece of equipment listed, it's possible that further improvement could be made to the formatting or presentation of the section. Thanks. Grim-Gym 05:11, 24 June 2007 (UTC)
- Hi. This was a pretty informative article; I didn't know anything about him before I read it and it felt like you gave a pretty comprehensive overview of him as a person and his musical style. I think it could use some improvement, though.
per WP:MOSBIO, after you establish his name, just use the surname, Frusciante, instead of John Frusciante. For other people in the article who do not share his surname, after the first instance use only their surname, not their first name or fullname. This is a problem with references to Hillel Slovak.Need citations!!! You should have at least one citation per paragraph, and more where necessary.*
The early life section is out of order. Since you talk about him moving to LA in paragraph 2, it shouldn't be in the first paragraph.Many of your paragraphs have sentences that all begin the same. Four sentences in a row that begin with "He" is a little excessive, so try to mix those up a bit.Some parts of your article sound a little too magaziney. For example, "Strangely enough,"*
There are other prose issues where the sentences are structured awkwardly. Here are a few examples- "
When Frusciante was later inquired about the response he gave to his rapid sanction into the Red Hot Chili Peppers" - "
By this time, he had developed serious drug habits as a result of touring with the band during the previous four years; similarly, during the time interval, Kiedis embarked on a drug-pillage, once again after being clean for five years."
- "
This seems to be contradictory: "fell into a docile and volatile depression,"*You don't need to specify that River Phoenix is dead.Some parts of the 2004 recordings section appear more like trivia*
Do you really need the equipment section?*Some of your citations are formatted incorrectly or are not using a proper template. These have the author's first name first instead of last name first.
Good luck! 15:06, 25 June 2007 (UTC)
- Wow, this is very helpful, thank you. As you can see, I've already addressed the smaller points you made, we'll start work on the larger ones right away. I removed the "magaziney" statement you referred to. Was this the only example of this you could see, or were there others? The equipment section is becoming a scourge upon this article, and I must concede that it may be for the best if we removed it. This was tremendously helpful, thank you. If anyone else wants to help look over this article for other points that could be improved, that would be greatly helpful. Grim-Gym 17:52, 25 June 2007 (UTC)