Wikipedia:Peer review/Jessica Alba/archive1

Jessica Alba

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for May 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it has passed as a good article and would like to know any further improvements I could make to it for a possible FAC later.

Thanks, Hello32020 (talk) 02:57, 7 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: This is an interesting article, but I think it needs some work to get to FAC. Here are some suggestions for improvement. I usually pick a few examples of things to improve, so this is not an exhaustive list.

A model article is often useful for ideas on style, refs, structure, etc. There are several FAs on actresses at Wikipedia:Featured_articles#Media - I note that Reese Witherspoon is an FA and may be a suitable model.
Please see WP:WIAFA - especially "Well-written" means that the prose is engaging, even brilliant, and of a professional standard. I think that this would be the main obstacle to the article becoming FA, and the article needs a copyedit. I will try to point out some places where the prose could be improved.
- She has received many awards and notations for her acting and physical appearance.[1][2][3][4] What is a notation? The word "notation" is not used again in the article.
- Alba's TV and movie appearances began with her child acting in Camp Nowhere (1994) ... is "child acting" really a common verb? How about Alba's began her TV and movie appearances as a child actor in Camp Nowhere (1994) ...
- Alba's parents married in their teenage years.[13][14][15] How about Alba's parents married as teenagers.[13][14][15]? Also, does this really need three references? Or with all these refs could you say "Alba's parents married when her father was 17 and her mother was 16"? (I made these ages up)
- Alba was raised in an Air Force family with her brother, Joshua[16] and her grandparents until she was seventeen years old. I really am not sure what this means - did her grandparents live with her family? What happened when she was 17? Also note that references usually come at the end of a sentence.
- She was originally hired for two weeks but her role turned into a two-month job when the actress in one of the prominent roles dropped out.[5] It seems she was also hired for a smaller role and got moved to a larger role, but this does not say that.
Avoid overlinking - Dark Angel is linked twice in the lead alone.
Provide context for the reader - see WP:PCR. When did she move back to California (what age was she / what year was it)? Was it when she started acting / getting small roles? When was she in Autralia for Flipper for two years? I find it odd that in Early life she has collapsed lungs twice and pneumonia every year, but in the Career section she is a diver - this seems like an odd combination
Per WP:MOS#Quotations, block quotes should be used for quotes of four lines or more, so I thought it was a nice guide, but it certainly wasn't how I was going to live my life.[14] should not be a block quote.
Another big omission - since she is an actress, what sort of critical reception has she had? What have critics said about her acting in TV and films?
Watch for one and two sentence paragraphs (Obama supporter, for example) and very short sections (Charitable work is one sentence). I would combine these with others or expand them as needed.
Awards and Nominations seems to be missing somethings mentioned in the lead / article.
Most refs look fine, but some need publisher or date accessed or authir information. Ref 33 uses IMDb which is not generally seen as a WP:RS

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 03:29, 14 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I've tried to implement some of these, and have ended up finding up information that actually wasn't sourced [didn't realize it - I didn't add it]. I implemented many of your suggestions however. Though I cannot find any critical reception on her work as a whole, and I fixed one of the PCR suggestions, again could not find information on the others. Most of the Awards & Nominations are in the notes for filmography [as in the Witherspoon article] and the ones in the remaining section don't fit under a single movie. Hello32020 (talk) 00:17, 15 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I think it would be OK to use reviews from individual movies. Roger Ebert is online and so are others. Sometimes Ebert will mention an actor and say "While I liked her in X, in this Y I do not" or "I love her performance in this, so why did I not notice her in that." I do not write Biographies so I am not sure how to integrate reviews - models are useful here. Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 19:27, 15 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]