Wikipedia:Peer review/James Whale/archive1

James Whale

This peer review discussion has been closed.

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for December 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to get it up to FA status and need some guidance about where best to focus my energy on improvements. I already know it needs more references and I'm continuing to work on adding those in.

Thanks, Otto4711 (talk) 04:54, 29 December 2008 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments. A well-written and comprehensive article. Its chief fault at the moments lies in inadequate citation to sources.

• Lead
  • First paragraph: I suggest a full stop after "Show Boat", then a new sentence: "He became..."
  • Second paragraph:
    • "born into a large family", rather than "to"
    • "and studied art" is a bit cryptic. I think "and studied art in the evenings" would be more informative.
    • We have, in close proximity, "...discovered his artistic talent" and "...discovered his talent for drama". Repetitions so close to each other should be avoided; the drama phrase could be reworded to "During his time as a prisoner of was he found he had a flair for drama" (only a suggestion)
    • "living with" - "living" is unnecessary
  • Third paragraph:
    • Comma required after "direct for the stage"
    • "love of" might be better as "love for"
    • Comma required after "wealthy"
• Early years
  • Comma required after "heavy industries"
  • Comma required after "artistic talent"
  • I am intrigued by his army commission. In 1915 it was highly unusual for a working-class boy to be commissioned - is there a story here? Also, the commission needs a citation.
  • "and housed" -> "and was housed"
  • Comma required after "poker"
• Theatre
  • "Whale initially offered the role..." If Olivier accepted it, then the "initially" is not necessary
  • The parenthetical comment about Olivier accepting a role in Beau Geste looks awkward. I suggest lose the parentheses, place a comma after "lead role"
  • The long quote beginning "managed to coalesce..." needs to be attributed in the text.

Rest of the review will follow Brianboulton (talk) 19:09, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

Resuming...

• Hollywood: This section is serously under-cited. No refs at all in the first three paragraphs, thereafter pretty thin. Also:-
  • Second paragraph: "...to direct another company of Journey's End" Surely "production", not company
  • Third paragraph: Commas after Tiffany-Stahl and "Raleigh"
• Career in decline: "he barged into..." is probably not encyclopedic
• Post film life
  • Another section which needs many more citations
  • "25-year-old" needs two hyphens
  • Whale was 62, not 67, in 1951
  • "62-year-old" needs two hyphens
• Sexuality
  • Ernest Thesiger should be linked
  • "...especially a camp sensibility, especially embodied..." is clumsy wording
  • "he discusses..." Who is "he"?
  • Comma required after ("friend")
  • The quotes beginning "He gas no innate understanding..." and "No mistake" need to be attributed in the text.
• Legacy
  • "...engraved into the cels" - what are "cels" (jargon or mis-spelling?)
  • "cannister": I've never seen it spelt this way, it's usually one "n". Is this accepted Am-Eng spelling?

I hope you find these comments helpful. Brianboulton (talk) 19:30, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

• Thanks for the review. Definitely helpful suggestions and I will address them in the article, particularly the sourcing issue. Everything in it is sourceable to the Curtis biography but I've been trying to find the same information in other sources so as to reduce over-reliance on a single source. To answer a couple of questions, a cel is a square of film, although since our article seems to restrict its meaning to animation I will change it to "frame". "Cannister" is an accepted variant spelling. Honestly I don't remember if I even wrote that particular bit; it was one of the few somewhat developed sections in the article when I found it. Otto4711 (talk) 20:10, 9 January 2009 (UTC)
• Oh, and about the commas...I tend not to use them if there is a conjunction immediately following and per WP:COMMA either is acceptable as long as the usage is consistent throughout the article. Otto4711 (talk) 20:17, 9 January 2009 (UTC)