Wikipedia:Peer review/IMac G4/archive1

IMac G4

I've listed this article for peer review because I'm interested in getting feedback prior to a Featured Article nomination. In particular, any comments on technical aspects from an average reader would be useful to prevent it from being too dry and technical. Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ^talk 18:52, 5 September 2024 (UTC)

Comments from PMC

Signing up! Ping if I don't comment within a week. ♠PMC♠ (talk) 23:33, 12 September 2024 (UTC)

Lead and overview

• If I don't point out "comprised of", Giraffedata will eventually manifest from the ether and change it; may as well save him some time
• "Suspended above" this is such a nitpick, but "suspended" implies attachment from above, whereas this is mounted from below
• the iMac G3 (1998) <- comma after ) here, to close out the comma introducing it
• "and the desire to have each component of the computer be true to itself" what does this mean? If it's corpo-buzzword speak, it should be in quotes
  • I can see from the body that it's a Jobs quote, so yeah, it ought to either be an attributed quote or explained in human language
• "wireless networking card aftermarket" the placement of "aftermarket" here reads oddly, like it's supposed to be part of the phrase describing the networking card. Maybe move it to the beginning of the sentence, like "Aftermarket expansion is..."?
• same sentence has "adding"/"added" twice; this one may be difficult to write around so I won't hold your feet to the fire
• "in a white color" I think you can probably trim to "in white"
• "the higher-end models" what higher-end models? You haven't mentioned them before, so "the" feels jarring. What other differences did they have? Are they worth discussing in their own small paragraph?
• "pack-in software" may not be a common phrase; I assume this refers to Pre-installed software? You may want to link that

Development

• "first released in 1998" - "first" is unnecessary here. since most things only release once, only a second release would need remarked on
• "After the iMac's initial release" same with "initial" here
• "proceeded to revamp" trim to "revamped"
• "Apple's industrial designers..." I feel like this whole sentence could be trimmed or simplified (most significantly I don't think you need to say "within the company" if you're already saying "Apple's" or vice versa)
• "from a building across the road from Apple's main campus to a new space in the main headquarters" you could probably lose the "across the road" detail and just go with "from a separate building"
• Maybe throw in a link to and a photo of a sunflower, so the reader can see the visual that Jobs was seeing?
• "ditching" is a little more informal than I think you can get away with at FAC
• "suggested the same" - suggested twice in one sentence. Maybe "after Jobs agreed"?
• "playful design" hmmm. this is editorial, I think

Release

• I'm not sure the release section is the best place for the name footnote. Seems like it belongs earlier?
• "The new iMac was also..." this sentence is awkward.
  • Do we need to specify that the dot-com crash was tech-based?
  • "where there was heightened expectations" from whom? This clause doesn't seem to follow from the previous clause about the dot-com crash
  • I would rearrange the whole thing. maybe like... "in the wake of the dot-com crash of 2000, Apple's market share had eroded to just above 4% in the United States, and less worldwide. [Pundits/Apple worshippers/tech analysts/whatever] expected that the new iMac would revitalize sales and increase market share" or something like that?
• "monitor and arm's anthropomorphism" this is the first time anthropomorphism is discussed in the body. You mention it in a footnote earlier, but if you're the kind of reader who doesn't read efns, it comes a bit out of nowhere.
• "and apparent personality" in what way does it have a personality?
• "computer hardware was becoming increasingly commoditized" as opposed to when they were...what?
• The sentence is structured in a way that seemingly contrasts this increasing commoditization with the digital media hub strategy, but I don't see the connection. In what way does using a computer as a media hub contrast with the computer as a commodity?
• "personal computers were not in trouble" when did we say they were?
• not sure you need to emphasize "better" with italics
• "the cheaper configurations" at this point the only mention of any different configurations so far is within the image showing the monitor sizes. Model differencees should be discussed in "overview" I think, as I suggested above
• "of any product since the original iMac"
  • Of any product at all, ever, or any Apple product?
  • Can trim to "since the original" since we're already established to be talking about the new iMac
• "They featured ... cheaper prices" I'm not sure a price can be said to be a feature of a product

Reception and legacy

• I would split these two, or at least subsection them, because the transition from reception to legacy is otherwise quite abrupt
• Appreciate the minimal use of quotes in the reception section.
• "noted" - normally I don't get sticky about "noted", but in this case, since forgetting the rest of the computer is such a subjective experience, could we sub out for something like "felt"? (Also, did all three critics really say that?)
• "or the dome to..." I would just split the sentence here, since the dome/R2 comparison has nothing to do with the desk lamp look.
• "screen was called" passive voice. Maybe "Critics called the..."?
• "The iMac's ease of use was cited as" passive voice again. "Reviewers cited..."?
• Suggest swapping efns [e] and [f] for bundles with {{refn}} or a similar template, so they show up in the refs section rather than footnotes
• "were noted" passive voice again
• Sentence 1 of para 3 stretches across three lines and includes several lengthy clauses and a semi-colon. Please split it somewhere
• "but that Power Macs" I think you're missing a verb between but and that
• Paras 1-3 are all centered on a theme (great to see this btw), but para 4 seems to comprise miscellaneous criticism. I might give it an opening sentence to clarify; something like "reviewers identified other issues with the G4" or "reviewers had other minor critiques"
• "It has been called one of the best computers Apple has made." obviously a fairly strong statement requiring strong sources. Macworld is an obvious yes, iMore I'm less sure about, but I don't think Six Colors, which appears to be one man's personal Apple enthusiast site, would pass muster at FAC. It might also help to have sources that aren't Apple fansites. Anything that can be done here? Otherwise I would suggest tweaking the statement to something like "Apple enthusiasts have called it..."
• "Despite the ergonomic design and Jobs insistence the design would remain a decade"
  • why would ergonomic design necessarily mean the same look would be kept around for a long time?
  • "Jobs's insistence that the design would remain for a decade" normally I'm the poster girl for trimming words, but I think "that" and "for" are necessary here for flow and legibility (also, it should be Jobs's per MOS)
  • As a note, this is the first time we've seen any indication that Jobs has insisted anything about the design language of this model - why not mention that earlier, if it was such a sticking point for him?
• I think you could probably merge para 3 of legacy with para 1

I have not looked at the specs because that is Greek to me. The bones here are good, but I feel there are some places the prose could be improved. Take your time responding and of course I'm always open to discussion. ♠PMC♠ (talk) 03:19, 19 September 2024 (UTC)

RoySmith

• stainless steel arm that allows the monitor to be easily tilted and swiveled "easily" is editorializing.
• reversing the company's fortunes I'd be more explicit that the company was going downhill and this was a win for them. That's kind of implied by "a commercial success", but I'd say that outright.
• Apple began envisioning a replacement based around an LCD A replacement for what? I suggest something like "Apple began envisioning an LCD screen to replace their current CRT models".
  • Oh, wait, I see I entirely missed that you switched from talking about the G4 to talking about the G3. I didn't notice this until I got down to Development where you mentioned sales of six million units and that didn't jive with what I'd read earlier. I'd give the reader a head's up (in both the lead and in Development) with something like "Apple's previous release, the iMac G3, had been a commercial success..."
• updated over the years with faster processors, components, and larger LCDs earlier you implied that the processor was a component, now you've switched to processor being listed in addition to the components.
• all the input/output I think you need a noun there: "input/output ports"
• Video Graphics Array out I suspect more readers will recognize "VGA" than the full name spelled out.
• That's interesting about shipping with Otto Matic. I remember another Mac I had which shipped with Pangea's Nanosaur, which both my wife and I got addicted to and competed to beat each other's scores :-)
• Apple stagger-launched the iMac G4; initially only the high-end 15-inch model was available ... A high-end model with a larger display released in August ... reduced to a single 15- and 17-inch model each I'm having trouble following the chronology of the various models. I think this wholse section needs some clarification.
• Critics noted that the flat-screen design allowed them to forget the rest of the computer was there, as well as the ergonomics of adjusting the screen this is a difficult sentence. If you don't read it carefully, you come up with "to forget the ergonomics of adjusting the screen".
• PC Magazine and HWM were among the publications that suggested that ... The repetition of "that" is awkward. I've never been able to figure out the that/which thing, but even if this is grammatically correct, it reads funny.
• In the Specifications table, you use "TFT" without defining it. Also SDRAM

SC

Will review shortly. - SchroCat (talk) 12:32, 18 September 2024 (UTC)

• "(Earthlink and AOL,)": I'm not sure the comma should be inside the bracket
• "a new space in company headquarters, offering a larger space": can one of these be swapped for a synonym?
• "equivalently-clocked": As the adverb ends in ~ly, no hyphen is needed
• "found the external speakers tinny": I think you may need to rework to clarify if they felt tinny or sounded tinny. I presume the latter, but it's a bit unclear as it stands

That's my lot. Very readable and nice and clear. Cheers - SchroCat (talk) 10:14, 1 October 2024 (UTC)