Wikipedia:Peer review/History of Sunderland A.F.C./archive2

History of Sunderland A.F.C.

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for January 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want a very comprehensive look at how I can eventually bring it to FAC. My previous FAC did not go to well after the FAC was used as a peer review, so please be as thorough as possible. :) Thanks. Sunderland06 (talk) 15:14, 18 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Eddie6705

First paragraph of lead. "Sunderland are England's sixth most successful club of all time" No need to link 'of all' as well. Done - Moved outside the brackets.
The final sentence does not need the 'in' between 'runners-up' and 'a'. Done - Removed redundancy.
Second paragraph of lead. The second sentance needs a comma between '1992' and 'where'. Done - Added a comma.
Also there should be a comma after '1985 Football League Cup Final'. Done - Added a comma.

Early years and title success: 1879–1913

"Their first kit was an all blue strip, in a sharp contrast..." Don't need to use 'in' and 'a' together. Either will do. Done - Removed "in".
"...to James Allan's boarding school, and would change..." Need a they between 'and' and 'would'. Done - Added "they".
"Sunderland joined the Football League in time for the 1890–91 season, which was only the league's third season. Stoke, one of the twelve Football League founder members dropped out after two seasons." I would reword this to something like this; Sunderland joined the Football League in time for the 1890–91 season, the league's third season. They replaced Stoke, of the original League founder members, who dropped out after two seasons. Done - Changed.
"This was followed up successfully in the 1892–93 season" Replace 'in the 1892-93 season' with 'the following season' (keeping the link in place). Done - Changed.
"Manager Tom Watson resigned as manager" 'as manager' is redundant and not needed. Done - Removed redundancy.
In the fourth paragraph, '6th' neededs to be fully spelled out. Done - Spelt out.
"McCombie, however, saw the money..." The first comma isn't really needed. Done - Removed comma.
"..six directors were being suspended for two and a half years" The being isn't needed. Done - Removed "being".
"and be help in Newcastle's spell of league success of the era" This sounds awkward. Done - Changed to "and help towards Newcastle's spell of league success of the era".
"The 1907–08 season included the club's record win, a 9–1 win against Newcastle United at St James' Park" I would replace the second win with victory. Done - Changed to "victory".

Further success and First World War: 1913–1939

"Sunderland finished in eighth place in Division One of the 1914–15 season" I would reword this as; Sunderland finished in eighth place in 1914–15 Division One season Done - Changed.
"Charlie Buchan broke to 30 goal mark" 'to' should be the. Done - Changed to "the".
"Birmingham won the match and took Sunderland out of the cup" knocked may be a better phrase to use rather than took. Done - Changed to "knocked".
"Sunderland managed to surpass the runners-up spot and win their sixth league title. They scored 109 goals through the season, with both Raich Carter and Bobby Gurney hitting 31 each while they won the league by 8 points." this could be reworded as; Sunderland managed to surpass the runners-up spot and win their sixth league title by eight points. They scored 109 goals during the season, with both Raich Carter and Bobby Gurney hitting 31. Done - Changed to that.
"when they reached the semi-finals, they came up against Huddersfield Town but were beaten 3–1" replace 'they came up' with coming up and insert a comma after 'Huddersfield Town' Done - Added a comma.
"retirement from management. after" should be a comma. Done - Changed to comma.

Second World War halts progress: 1939–1959

"shortly into the 1939–40 season to halt progress with the new manager..." reword to something like; shortly into the 1939–40 season, halting the new manager's progress. Done - Changed to that.
"The league resumed in the following season" No need for the 'in' Done - Removed the "in".
" December 1952 was a memorable date for their stadium, Roker Park, as floodlights were experimented with for the first time in a match" 'their stadium' is not needed. Done - Removed "their stadium".
"They played Manchester City at the Wembley Stadium" Don't need 'the'. Done - Removed "the".

FA Cup glory and Europe: 1959–1979

"The FA Cup win in 1973 led Sunderland to qualify for European competition for the first time..." 'for a European competition' Done - Added "a".
"After 1973, winning FA Cup manager Bob Stokoe became ill in the 1976–77 season, he stepped down from the job, where he was replaced temporarily by caretaker manager Ian MacFarlane." Don't need 'After 1973, winning FA Cup' Done - Removed.

Two cup finals: 1979–1997

"They played an "England XI" side, featuring teams from both Newcastle and Middlesbrough" shouldn't 'teams' be 'players'? Done - Changed to "players".
"Knighton managed the club for 94 games leading the club to a 2nd position finish, in which they were promoted to the First Division.[83] Although he was sacked the following season with Sunderland struggling towards the bottom of Division One." Should all be one sentence. Done - Made one sentence.

Recent times: 1997–present

"Over 40,000 fans travelled from the North-East to see an game against Charlton Athletic"" 'the game' Done - Changed to "the".
"Sunderland finished seventh, shortly missing a place..." replace shortly with narrowly Done - Replaced with "narrowly".

General

All positions needed to be written out in full rather than being abbreviated. Done - Spelled out.
Link the first mention of 'caretaker manager', so there is no need to link it again. Done

I hope you don't think I have been too critical of the article. Eddie6705 (talk) 16:58, 18 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

No, not at all, this is exactly the type of comments I'm looking for. I'll get to them ASAP. Sunderland06 (talk) 17:03, 18 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Good job on making the changes so quickly. I 'll have another look through tomorrow. Eddie6705 (talk) 23:12, 18 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]