Wikipedia:Peer review/Gavin Donoghue/archive1

I've listed this article for peer review because i want an outside opinion on raising its quality.

Thanks,

Y done Use the en-dash for year ranges (see WP:DASH).
Y done Introduce the player as a footballer before saying he's a defender.
Y done "contracted to" - odd terminology in UK football - try "currently plays for"...
Y deleted *"highly rated" - by whom? Citation required.
Y done Use the {{convert}} template for height in the infobox.
Y he has played for ireland under-19 In fact, this article is verging on being up for WP:AFD - has he actually played any professional football?
Y replaced words A few too many peacock terms like "gifted", " good first season ", "very quick recovery" - need removing or citing.
Y bracketed what it meant in first mention What's DDSL?
Y changed to Donoghue Not "Gavin does this blah..." use "Donoghue does this blah..." - it's an encyclopaedic article.
Y done Numbers below ten need to be written out "eight months"....
Y tagged sections " Donoghue combines very good aerial ability with a classic approach to playing central defence. His reading, patience, and excellent long range passing being his best assets" - whoa. NPOV required.

Y doneI can still see at least one instance of "Gavin does XYZ", which should be "Donaghue does XYZ"
Y done "defeats" is spelt wrong in the "international career" section
Y i have tagged this, and requested a copyedit "Donoghue combines very good aerial ability with a classic approach to playing central defence. His reading, patience, and excellent long range passing being his best assets." - this is all very POV and possibly OR - what does "a classic approach to playing central defence" even mean? Unless a citation can be provided to say that a significant figure in the world of football has specifically praised the player for these abilities then the whole section has got to be removed
Y done "the 2007 season" - 2007–08 season, surely?
Y done "Donoghue was included in the 2007 1st team precurrently plays forseason tour of Ireland" - what on earth does this mean? Firstly there's no such word in the English language as "precurrently" or "forseason", plus the whole thing just reads as gibberish
Y done "Donoghue decided that a move to Wearside suited him best" - says who? This is just one of a number of statements which desperately need a citation (in fact almost all of the "early career" section is completely unreferenced
Y done "He plays as a central defender. Donoghue is an Irish defender" - don't need to say "defender" twice in consecutive sentences

Do you think that this article needs a copyedit as i have put one in.--Sunderland06 16:28, 4 December 2007 (UTC)[reply]

A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR _t 19:44, 5 December 2007 (UTC)[reply]

This article needs quite a bit of work. First off, you need to remedy the problems that have led to tagging. It needs a lot more citations, it needs a bigger WP:LEAD and you need to clarify some points in the text. (where it says ^{{clarify}}) *The lead can only be expanded once the information in the main body of text is beefed up. You need to expand it.
- Some points for expansion:
- Why did he choose Wearside over other Premier league clubs. (Is that accurate?)
- Y 'done Expand the international career section, talking about the games, (when were they?)
Other problems:The NPOV problem is a big one. Wikipedia is not a fanzine and phrases such as in time to return to action make it seem like a football fanzine and not an encyclopedia. Also the second paragraph in the Sunderland section needs to be completely refactored in order to remove the POV bias.
It is a good start, but it needs quite a bit of work. Woody (talk) 12:54, 10 December 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Y done His name is being used too much. It needs replacing with pronouns (e.g. he, him) to free up the flow.

Not much else to recommend, as most things seem to have been dealt with already. Mattythewhite (talk) 18:58, 10 December 2007 (UTC)[reply]