Wikipedia:Peer review/Egyptian mythology/archive1

Egyptian mythology

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to take it to FAC, and it should have at least one other pair of eyes first. All my sources are Egyptologists, and I would particularly like input on what other perspectives might need inclusion.

Thanks, A. Parrot (talk) 18:56, 24 January 2012 (UTC)

Comments of Redtigerxyz

I am not a specialist in Eqyptian mythology,

• More images needed
• Who is John Baines or Jan Assmann? Give a brief description to let the reader know why his views are noteworthy
• Topics which may be needed, if available: Syncretism of myths, Influence on other mythologies, Origin theories, Modern interpretations, retelling/art depiction in other cultures or modern times

--Redtigerxyz ^Talk 10:40, 28 January 2012 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: This looks an interesting and well-produced article which I hope I shall enjoy reviewing. It may take me a little while as it's quite long, but I will post when I can. As a starter, here are some comments on the lead:-

• Readers may wonder what you mean by "understanding the cosmos". Do you mean by this the ordered universe, or any orderly system?
• The language is at times too academic and obscure for a lead, part of the function of which is to draw readers in. The lengthy sentence beginning "The rarity of..." should I think be simplified or omitted. The second senetnce of the second paragraph ("The events of this mythic past...") lost me, I'm afraid. Simpliication requested.
• The first sentence of the second paragraphs is grammatically flawed. Possible fix: "Inspired by the cycles of nature, the Egyptians saw time in the present as a series of recurring patterns, whereas they perceived the earliest periods of time as more linear". On further reflection I would lose the qualifying "more".
• "Egyptian religion" should be rendered as "Ancient Egptian religion", as is the linked article. Most people interpret "Egyptian religion" as Islam.
• A few words could be linked which aren't, e.g. "cosmos, "amulet".

More will follow Brianboulton (talk) 20:18, 3 February 2012 (UTC)

Here are comments on a few more sections:

Definition

• This section does not seem to lead to a "definition". Rather, it outlines what appears to be an unresolved debate, so perhaps the section heading should change.
• The formulation "scholars like Vincent Arieh Tobin and Susanne Bickel" is odd if you actually mean Tobin and Bickel. I would say, e.g. "However, recent scholars including Vincent Arieh Tobin and Susanne Bickel..." etc

Content and meaning

• a tenses conflict arises between "believed" and "govern" in the second sentence. There are other instances of this through the article.

Sources

• Some of the sentence constructions are a bit awkward and hard to follow. An example is "Among these papyri are hymns, which in the course of praising a god may allude to the god's mythological roles, and texts describing temple rituals, many of which are based partly on myth."
• Is there a suitable link to "Greco-Roman period"? There seem quite a few possibles but I don't know which is best.
• There is some tendency to write in declarative sentences, e.g. "It is unclear that..." This wording suggests an editorial judgement rather than the summary of a source.

Cosmology

• "The earth is a flat piece of land, the god Geb, over which arches the sky, usually represented by the goddess Nut." There seem to be words missing from this sentence. I assume the meaning is "The earth, personified by the god Geb, is a flat piece of land over which arches the sky, usually represented by the goddess Nut".
• "Egyptians saw even stories that were set in that time as being perpetually true." I imagine that should be "even saw"?

Brianboulton (talk) 18:40, 5 February 2012 (UTC)