Wikipedia:Peer review/Edward I of England/archive1

Edward I of England

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it just passed GA review and I'm thinking of taking it to FA. I'm pretty happy about the general shape of the article now, but there is probably still some issues with language that could be worked on. A copyedit would be welcome, but also comments on general readability and understanding would help.

Thanks, Lampman (talk) 13:57, 23 September 2009 (UTC)

Hi Lampman, the first thing that strikes me is that the lead is too long. I know it's made to look longer by the infobox, but even taking that into account, I think it could use some tightening. SlimVirgin ^{talk|contribs} 08:16, 26 September 2009 (UTC)

I've made a few additions, mostly just links; I didn't think there was much else I could improve. It has everything I would expect to read about Edward and goes into great (but not excessive) detail. I agree that the lead might be too long, but he did have a long and active life, so it would be difficult to shorten it. Adam Bishop (talk) 02:15, 30 September 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for help and advice. I cut a couple of sentences from the middle paragraph of the lead, but I think it's hard to do full justice to the man and his reign with a much shorter lead than this. Lampman (talk) 13:59, 1 October 2009 (UTC)

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

• General -
  • Measuring Worth, which is what {{Inflation}} uses, starts at 1264, so suggest you convert monetary units.
  • You need Alt text on your images.
  • Strongly suggest finding a better copyeditor than I am. The prose seems a bit stilted and wordy, neither of which problems I'm well suited to fixing, unfortunately.
  • Sources seem like you're using most of the most important and authoritative ones. I do note that there isn't much use of journal articles, might double check with any articles listed in the ONDB entry or Here for information that might be helpful.
  • One suggestion is to have a general map with Scotland, Wales, England and Gascony on it to help orient readers.
• Lead -
  • "After the Battle of Lewes, Edward was given as hostage to the rebellious ..." wasn't he captured at Lewes? Might reword to "After the Battle of Lewes, Edward was a hostage..."
  • "Edward's reign had two characteristic phases." Characteristic implies to me that it's emblematic or iconic. I think a better phrasing here might be "Edward's reign had two main phases." because neither phase was "iconic"
• Childhood -
  • "17/18 June 1239" isn't going to be readily understood by most readers, suggest "17-18 June 1239" of "the 17th and 18th of June 1239".
  • "baronial reform movement" might link to an article on that? Or something?
• Early ambitions -
  • "... when he took sides in a local conflict in Gascony, a stand that ran contrary to his father's policy of mediation." what side did Edward take?
  • Magnates - for some reason, folks at FAC don't understand this word well, suggest a quickie explanation of it.
• Civil war -
  • "... mutilated in the field." Wouldn't it be "on the field"?
• Crusade -
  • ".. rest had to be raised through a lay tax, which had not been levied since 1237." .. you link "lay tax" to Laity, but that's kinda an easter egg link, as you'd expect that phrase to link to an exact tax. If there isn't a link for the exact tax (which was it, by the way? A subsidy? Or a fifteenth or similar?) you should rephrase to "a tax on the laity" and keep the link on just laity.
  • Ah, I see, it's a twentieth. Should explain exactly what that means and what was taxed.
• Administration -
  • "The inquest produced the so-called Hundred Rolls, from the administrative sub-division of the hundred."... the first hundred rolls are from 1255, so this is a bit misleading in implying that these rolls were the first. Suggest rewording to "The inquest produced a new set of so-called Hundred Rolls, from the administrative sub-division of the hundred."
  • suggest a quickie explanation in the article of who Bracton is.
  • Should the various statutes and legislations be italicised? I think they should...
• Welsh wars -
  • "Problems were exacerbated when his younger brother..." I think you need to clarify that the his here is Llywelyn, since the last person mentioned was humpreh de bohun.
  • Is Madog a son of Llywelyn? Need to clarify and/or explain briefly in the text.
• I've taken the liberty of doing some copyediting. Hope this helps. Ealdgyth - Talk 15:50, 8 October 2009 (UTC)
• Comments
• Please check for snakelike sentences, such as the two in a row beginning with "Though the endowments"
• What does this mean: "but the English triumph would eventually prove deceptive"?
• Is it Almain or Almein? I see both. Ditto Lusignan/Luisignan.
• Inconsistent formatting, this note: G.W.S. Barrow, Robert Bruce and the community and realm of Scotland, p.80
• Missing from refs:
  • Brand, Paul (2003).
  • Carpenter, David (1985).
  • Carpenter, David (2007).
  • Davies, Rees (1984).
  • Denton, J.H. (01 1989).
  • Maddicott, John (1983)
  • Maddicott, John (1989).
  • McFarlane, K.B. (1981).
  • Morris 2009
  • Parsons, John Carmi (2004).
  • Parsons, John Carmi (1984).
  • Prestwich 1980
  • Helen Cam (1963).
  • Tout, T.F. (1920).
  • Waugh, Scott L. (2004).
  • Tunzelmann, Alex von (2008-07-31).
• Ling.Nut (talk) 03:22, 23 October 2009 (UTC)